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E - Everyone

4 a.m.

by juniferxo

There are parts of me
that look back
for you
but I know you'll never be there
waiting for me too
the past is gone
and you with it
and all i have
are memories
of your tobacco stained kisses
stinging my lungs

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52 Reviews

Points: 578
Reviews: 52

Fri Nov 08, 2013 3:02 pm
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strawberrybeaches217 wrote a review...

Hello my friend! Here's a short review for you! ;) I really enjoyed this poem! There is only a few things I noticed... For some lines you only had one word... I'm not sure if that's how you like it or what... I love the writers perspective in this! Keep up the good work! :)

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592 Reviews

Points: 1281
Reviews: 592

Thu Nov 07, 2013 10:45 pm
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fortis wrote a review...

I really like this poem. This narrator is looking back fondly, a little bit wistfully at a time gone past. This wistful feeling is such a universal feeling that your poem speaks to everyone.
The ending is such a beautiful sensory detail. It's very descriptive and I think it fits the mood of your poem very well, especially the "stinging" part, because wistfulness is not always the most pleasant feeing, because there's a little sting of sadness that things can never be how they once were.
One thing I don't like (and I just know someone's going to yell at me for telling a poet to capitalize anything) is how you're inconsistent in capitalizing your two "I's." It's just a naggy issue I have with it. If it was intentional, by all means keep it there, but if it was not... either capitalize the lower-case i, or un-capitalize the uppercase one, and while you're at it, the first letter.
You do know that this poem is just one sentence? Just thought I'd point that out. Also, you have no punctuation. But I'm sure you knew these things.
One more thing: I don't like the parts of your poem where there's just one or two words on a line. Actually, there are only three instances of this that bother me ("are memories" actually adds to the poem by being on it's own in my opinion). I think that the "waiting/ for you" lines would disrupt the flow slightly less if they were on the same line, as well as making that part easier to read and understand, AND it will give more emphasis on other line breaks because the reader subconsciously thinks when they see line breaks willy-nilly "oh, these are just crazy line breaks. they don't mean much. they're just a bother." if you get rid of the unnecessary ones, the reader won't think that, and they will, without knowing what caused them to, like the poem just a smidge better. That of course, is my opinion. Don't take it as fact that that happens, cause I don't know, but if you see where I'm coming from...
The other line break thing that I don't like is the "because." Now I can see why it's there, it separates THAT half of the sentence from THIS half, but I honestly think you could accomplish that by having a comma after 'too," and then shoving "because" before "the past is gone," and then again we'll have all our lovely side effects! :D
Hope this makes sense,
Keep writing!

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183 Reviews

Points: 1810
Reviews: 183

Thu Nov 07, 2013 8:20 pm
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"Tobacco stained kisses" That is awesome. Great great great.

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48 Reviews

Points: 353
Reviews: 48

Thu Nov 07, 2013 6:58 pm
sbitonti wrote a review...

This poem is AMAZING. Particularly for the last two lines:

"of your tobacco stained kisses
stinging my lungs"

I wish you'd incorporate more of this vivid imagery throughout your poem. I am quite ambivalent though, because at the same time, I express the simplicity as well.

Technically, I feel if you should separate the line "waiting for me too" so it would be parallel to the other line ("waiting"). To make this clearer:

for you
but I know you'll never be there
for me too"

You also have an inconsistency of rhyming some couplets in your poem, and then not.
This poem is a little rough, but has the capability to be genius.
On a personal note, however, I already think this poem is genius. I give it a 10/10.

sbitonti says...

Autocorrect error! I meant to put "I appreciate" not "I express"..what was my computer thinking...

juniferxo says...

Good points, thank you tons, love. I will work on it. (:

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33 Reviews

Points: 2574
Reviews: 33

Thu Nov 07, 2013 6:40 pm
SkyeJane says...

Hey there juniferxo,I just wanted to say that I love this poem as it brings back familiar memories for me.

juniferxo says...

Thank you <3

“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken