z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Another Day-Chapter Two

by WritingAngel777


Chapter Two

The Shadow's starlit eyes prickled at my skin as they gazed over me. I wanted to scream, to run-anything, but suddenly I couldn't do a thing. It was as if the Shadow’s stare paralyzed every muscle in my body until I was glued to the ground.

I was a fly in a spider's web.

My heart rate sped up instantly; the only thing my body would allow was raspy gulps of air.

Panic washed over me in mere seconds and my chest tightened as the creature leaned over me.

My breaths had become more and more ragged until a dark cloudiness tugged at the edge of my vision. I was losing consciousness as the dark beast loomed over me; ready to do God knows what.

For once since the very first attack I was terrified for my life, mine alone, I never thought that would happen. I had nothing to live for; if I died there would be nothing to lose. So why was I so afraid?

My body began to tremor and I couldn’t tell if it was my doing or the Shadow’s, but as the blackness began seeping in my figure shook violently.

While at times I welcomed the motion of death the idea of it now frightened me. Actually being faced with it sprouted thousands of chaotic thoughts in my mind.

What came after death? Was there an afterlife? Would I become a ghost? Would I reincarnate? I thought when death was this near I would feel peace, but in this moment I felt the exact parallel.

The Shadow laid over me, and tears managed to escape my jade eyes as the creature dropped lower and lower until its black ghostly face touched mine.

The feeling it gave off was peculiarly electric, and the energy grew as the Shadow suddenly dove into me. I gasped as sparks exploded as the E.T. somehow encased itself in my body.

Full consciousness zoomed back to me and I felt as if a supernova star had just imploded inside me, and then as rapidly as it had appeared it began to fade away. What had just felt like the sun now felt like a black hole, and not just in my body; in my mind as well. Then as the fire turned to ash I began to understand. I was losing myself; I was being possessed.

I felt as if the Shadow and I were trapped in a dark cavern together. I could feel its presence hovering around, exploring areas that I curiously couldn’t.

It was as if there were thousands of barricaded tunnels, and the Shadow was pushing its way through every last one of them.

I trailed along behind my invader, wanting to catch it and rid its evil essence from my mind, but everything was occurring so fast. It was if another barricade collapsed every second, and I couldn’t seem to keep up.

What was the Shadow doing?

I struggled to follow the ghost under the immense pressure, but my adrenaline pushed me forward, and I was soon dashing after the villain at full speed.

“Where are you?” I screamed as a silhouette appeared, “Don’t move!”

“Why I would I move?” A familiar voice questioned me as I neared the figure. It was too dark to see its face, but it definitely wasn’t the Shadow.

This figure wasn’t as lean; it was manly, muscular-attractive. It strode toward me with a suave confidence in its step until finally recognition struck.

“Dave? What are you doing here?” I ambled forward, unsure.

“I’m here for you just like you always wanted.” His voice was lined with a sensual edge.

“What?” I halted mid-step.

“You’ve always liked me, haven’t you?” He questioned, filling the distance in between us.

“I…I used to.” I mumbled.

“Well now you can have everything you’ve always wanted.” He spoke to me gently, pulling me into him and catching me gracefully into his perfectly sculpted arms.

My breath was trapped inside my chest, and butterflies fluttered around in my stomach as Dave leaned into me, his deep ocean blue eyes sinking into mine.

“I love you.” He whispered as his lips danced above mine, but before they could touch my mouth I shoved him away, tripping over myself as I flung out of his grasp, “What’s wrong?”

“You’re not real.” I mumbled, marred by my harsh realization.

“Of course I am!” He told me, rushing to my aid.

“Stay away.” I turned my head as another figure skipped by in the corner of my vision, “Em?” A small figure waved at me in the form of my sister, bouncing in my direction with her extensive straight hair flowing behind her in seamless correlation, “I need to get out of here.”

“No, stay.” Dave commanded.

I shook my head and darted away, searching intently for the Shadow. Worry was capturing me as I ran onward, and out of nowhere a voice moaned in the darkness.

“Help me.” The voice grumbled at me from below and as I looked down I nearly gagged at the scene.

“No, no, no.” I shouted at the past memory as the sight of Tommy’s blackened skin seared its way into my vision.

“Why did you leave me? Why?” Claw marks scarred his skin from where the Destroyer ripped at his flesh and now Tommy grabbed at me, spreading the disease that the Destroyer had left rushing through his veins.

A high pitched scream escaped my mouth as I kicked at the decaying arm that was pawing at my leg.

“I’m sorry!” I yelled as Tommy looked up at me. He gave me the same look he had given me months ago: his eyes were dilated, begging for me, begging for help; and once again I left him.

I ran as fast as I could; fear thrashing behind each stride I took. I needed to get out of here. Now.

I spotted a long silhouette ahead of me. It was the Shadow. I raced towards it as it sprinted up to a barricade.

“Stop!” I shouted as I felt the last area in the cavern-my mind-become exposed to me then in an instant the scenario changed. Everything around me fell into nothingness; the only thing remaining was the Shadow.

The creature’s energy was phenomenal; its power catastrophic and I was terrified to be locked with it here-the one place that I thought I’d always be safe from an E.T.

“What do you want?” My words ricocheted in the vastness, bouncing off of an invisible barrier before returning to me.

“You.” A demon-like voice dropped out of the Shadow’s indiscernible mouth.

“Why?” I attempted a step backwards, but I was frozen in place watching its crystal eyes.

“To live as something other than a ghost.” It hissed.

“Is this what all Shadows do? They possess humans? Don’t you see how wrong that is?”

“You’re all so foolish,” It thrashed its arm at me, “The world you knew is gone forever. There is no hope for your race. Most of you have already given up. You were one of them. I could feel it. Now you don’t have to live this life any more. Give up. Stop fighting.” It grabbed at my shoulder, causing me to gasp.

“I don’t think I want to anymore.” I told it.

The Shadow’s voice crackled until it formed into a dark chortle, “You don’t have a choice.”

It’s wispy fingers slid up to my neck, contorting around my flesh with a surprising strength.

I gasped in astonishment as the anomaly squeezed at my last hope of survival. How was this even possible? How was I being choked inside my mind?

Shrill moans escaped my throat as it began to close and once again blackness yanked at my sight, but this time it felt different. This time it felt permanent.

This had turned into a very twisted nightmare: one that I couldn’t control.

The blackness now enveloped more than half of my vision. All I could see was the Shadow’s glowing eyes in the center, gleaming at its near victory.

This wasn’t fair. All I wanted was to discover what Shadows were capable of, but now I was moments away from losing myself to one forever.

I blinked away tears as the world began to darken completely then I struggled for just one more breath.

My throat whined, and I willed it with every bit of strength I had to get even the tiniest breath pass the Shadow’s iron grip.

Then suddenly I did it: I stole a breath, expanding my lungs; but as I did the Shadow’s glare intensified.

I shouldn’t have been able to do that-I shouldn’t have been able to inhale, but I did. Millions of possibilities spun around me like a maelstrom then one of them hit.

This was my mind. Was it possible that I could control everything in it? I watched the Shadow with a fiery stare then I imagined the creature combusting into flames.

The offender squeezed harder at my flesh as I attempted it; it’s like it knew what I was trying. This wasn't a physical battle as I had first suspected-this was a battle of wits.

I thought the Shadow was choking me, so I felt it, but what if it didn't have hands? I forced myself to picture the creature without its extremities, thinking of nothing else.

I willed for my twisted idea to come into motion until finally it did. The Shadow's hands seemed to slowly disintegrate until they were no longer visible.

The Shadow stepped back, alarmed; raising its amputated arms in the air.

"You're a quick learner, little girl, but I opened your mind for my use not yours." It grunted as its hands reformed before me.

"What are you talking about?" I stepped forward with my hands balled into fists.

"It's part of possession, Molly, I need you alive to unlock your own mind, but after that you're useless to me." The Shadow chortled at me.

"What do you mean by unlocking my mind?" I interrogated.

"You humans are capable of much more than you know. You're one of the most powerful beings in the universe, but you don't know how to use your abilities. You became content with being puny insignificant creatures, which coincidentally works out well for my kind." The Shadow lifted his ghostly hand and a trail of fire sprung from the ground crawling towards me rapidly.

I screamed and backed away, terrified of the vicious flames. They grew higher and higher approaching my sweat soaked cheeks, causing me to fall backwards.

"You may have an open mind now, but you still act as if it's closed; you aren't meant for this kind of power, Molly. Right now the only thing you're meant for is a fiery grave." The Shadow pushed the fire onto me, and it quickly began ripping at my legs, and charring my flesh.

I shrieked at the intense pain, how could something contrived purely of my imagination cause this much agony? How could I let it?

"No!" I yelled as I forced the flames away from my body.

The dark being glanced at me with fury building in it’s sparkling eyes, "I won't let you beat me."

I stood up, re-stitching my torn flesh with my mind as I did, "You don't have a choice.” I repeated it’s words, faking confidence as I once again attempted an attack on the Shadow. I just had to clear my mind, and think of nothing else but the attack... I could do this.

I held out my hand then squeezed it, pretending I was squishing imaginary putty. Then I took it farther and pictured the Shadow as the putty.

It fell to its knees immediately; its body rapidly folding in on itself. I cringed at the image, but kept squeezing at the "putty" until the Shadow began screeching.

My ears begged for silence, and I came to the realization that I could grant their wish. This was my mind, my domain. So, I shut out the sound.

What happened next was like watching a silent horror film. The Shadow formed into a decrepit ball, decreasing until its form exploded into a black mist.

I ambled over to the smoke, exhausted, and then suddenly a white flash spread out across my vision. I tried to push it away, but it wouldn't budge for several seconds and when it did hyperventilation attacked my body: I was back in the field-outside of mind.

I searched my surroundings for the Shadow and I noticed the slightest glint of white eyes bouncing away before they vanished from my sight.

What had just happened was beyond unbelievable-it was impossible-not to mention crazy. I couldn't seem to catch my breath as I thought over the event.

I collapsed back onto the ground, inhaling and exhaling slowly while attempting to calm my disarrayed mind. I covered my face with my hands, trying to shut out the world, but when the sound of footsteps echoed through the field I jumped up in an instant, having to face the world all too soon.

"Molly! It's you! Thank God!" Tommy ran to me, enveloping me in a giant cocoon hug with perfectly healed over skin. I heaved out a breath, thrilled to see my friend whole again then I pushed away the dark image I had seen earlier. What had happened was in the past. It was over.

"After we heard that God awful screeching we thought for sure you were dead. All of us were cradled on the ground; Meredith is still unconscious. " Tommy spoke into my golden hair as he embraced me.

"Meredith?" I questioned as Tommy's muscular arms quickly dropped to his side.

"You don't know who she is..." His words were low and he dropped his head down letting his dark shaggy hair hang over his pale, glistening forehead.

"I...don't." I admitted, feeling sick as I realized where the conversation was headed.

"Right, why would you? She hasn't passed your grace period. She hasn't proven to you that she's not a liability; she hasn't proven that she has a chance of survival-a chance to be seen as a person in your eyes." Tommy spat the words out at me.

"Tommy, I'm sorry; I know it's wrong, but you know what I’ve been through. I just don't want to get attached to someone who's..." I couldn't finish.

"Dying," He stated, "You'll never change will you, Molls?"

"Tommy, please, it’s not like that! Don’t be upset!" I grabbed at his arm forcing him to look at me with his tar shaded eyes.

"Everyone's out searching for you," He pulled away, "We should get back to camp."

"Tommy..." I let his name sink into the darkness as he started trekking back through the field, not caring in the least bit if I was following him.

***

When we returned to the site I noticed Em pacing around the fire.

There were hardly any logs left in the pit and the flames were dimming, but I still detected the horror painted across my younger sister’s delicate face.

“Em!” I shouted at her.

"Molls!" She sprinted over to me, flinging her petite body onto mine, "I'm so glad you're ok."

"That makes two of us." I sucked in her warmth, bathing in her concern. Em had this way of making anyone feel like the most important person in the world, which was exactly what I needed right now.

"What happened out there? And don't you dare leave anything out!" she demanded as her face formed into a pouty frown.

"I won't, but we should wait for the others. This is something everyone needs to hear.”

"I'm going to look for them." Tommy lurked up behind me and I turned to him; his head was held high but his face was carved with tension.

“I’ll go with you.” I told him.

“No, you should stay; you were the entire point of this search party,” He began, “Besides you look like hell.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Tommy left me before I could. I didn’t blame him for wandering away. Not after what happened. I wouldn’t blame him if he never spoke to me again.

“What was that all about?” Em turned her fair, freckled face towards me, waiting for an answer.

“Nothing,” I paused, “Just the past coming back to haunt me.”


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Thu Oct 31, 2013 2:14 am
D4RKR4VEN wrote a review...



This is an interesting read. Anyway, hi! I am The Raven, Squire of The Knights of the Green Room and I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided up into the sections 'What Is Good' and 'What Needs Improvement/Suggestions'. Now, let's get down to business, shall we?

What Is Good:
1) I enjoyed your extended metaphor for the mental struggles between the Shadow and Molly. While by no means original, it is done very well that originality matters not at all. Besides, originality hardly, if ever, exists. Now, that philosophy aside, I like the visual imageries you employed in exploring the mindscape of Molly, and how she was slowly being taken over, and how Molly takes her mind back. Well done!

2) Character development. I like how Molly grew to eventually wield her power, and it was by no means easy! Also, I'm glad that Molly isn't exactly a Mary Sue, choosing to distance herself from the dead and dying and all. I could only expect even more good stuff later! Just keep at the breach, and make sure she doesn't descend into Mary Sue territory!

The Shadow itself is an interesting character. Surprisingly, I could sympathise with its cause, although I'm not sure if that's your intended effect. While what it's doing is essentially (mind)rape, I can get that it's not exactly fun to be an incorporeal entity. In the end, what it's doing is essentially the same as what businessmen does, or what anyone engaging in any sort of competition does. It's taking an opportunity, and possibly for an unintentionally good cause - unlocking humanity's true potential. Moreover, I can sort of get its rationalisation - humanity's taking themselves for granted.

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) Okay, the ugly business first. Language issues...

I wanted to scream-to run-anything


The use of dashes to affect pacing, to speed it up, can be done, but not here. I recommend using full stops instead. Or you could have commas, and maybe a dash somewhere. Sometimes it's the simple solution that works. With those dashes, it looks messy, and it could get a bit confusing as the sentence structure's confusing. Anyway: 'I wanted to scream, to run - anything!' or 'I wanted to scream. To run. Anything.' There's a lot of variations you could try.

I was a fly in a spider's miserable web.


I get what you're trying to say, but with both fly and web in the same sentence, I'd tend to associate miserable with the fly rather than the web. So... 'I was a miserable fly in a spider web'. It's to do with the definition of miserable, or at least the immediate first definition a lot of readers would tend to think of first.

I was losing consciousness-my sense of reality-


Okay, dashes again. I suggest using M-dashes. It's a punctuation issue. You should scan through the entire piece for anymore problems like this. I spotted at least one more after this one.

2) The next thing would be the kind of register you're employing. There's just too much science involved for this kind of supernatural/horror theme. It's not even a sci-fi horror. The cases I'm aware of are...

paralyzed every muscle, vein, and artery in my body


There's no need to be so specific right down to the blood vessels. Moreover, it's a lost expression, as veins and arteries can't be paralysed in that sense.

My heart rate sped up instantly


This sounds far too medical/clinical for the benefit of your story. Try to be a bit more natural. Your character's not a nurse or a doctor, is she?

I gasped as sparks exploded as the E.T. somehow encased itself in my body.


I doesn't work when you refer to the Shadow as an ET, and this happens several times. It's not extra-terrestrial is it? And of course, there's also the unfortunate pop-cultural implications, as ET also refers to the friendly alien thing in the movie of the same name. I was laughing at the juxtaposition between your Shadow and that ET.

standing less than a foot apart in pure darkness.


There is no need to use empirical measurements in describing distance. This is art, not science or mathematics. Try to loosen yourself up a little, you're so tense! Be natural!

I stole a breath large enough to expand my entire lung capacity


Again, too clinical for my taste. Be natural!

Well, that's all for registers. I might have missed out a few other examples, but I think you get what I mean, right?

3) Some sentences can be simplified. Here's a few examples:

So why was I so afraid for myself?


To 'So why was I so afraid?'

Would I reincarnate into another beings body?


To 'Would I reincarnate?' or 'Is there such a thing as reincarnation?'

The trick is to spot for phrases that is already more or less implied in a previous phrase. In my examples, for example, when you're saying you're afraid - just afraid - it tends to point to the fact that you're afraid in a personal way. If someone is afraid for something or someone else, he'd tend to elaborate, and not necessarily in a verbal way. As for the reincarnation part, the concept of reincarnate already suggests that you'd land in some other body anyway, so there's no need to gloss through that fact.

4) Story-wise, I disagree with the other reviewer. I feel that there's too little details, and to shave off anymore would reduce your story to a mere script with dialogues! I feel that there should be more descriptions in the narrative. How does the Shadow exactly look like? How does the forest look like? The other characters? What's their facial expressions like? Even the campfire could use a bit more description. What I want more too is the rooms and caverns in Molly's mind - there's quite a bit of missed opportunity there. What are those rooms and caverns filled with? How do they look like? And since they are visual metaphors of Molly, it was a chance to characterise Molly very intimately. Otherwise, it's hard to get immersed into the environment - it'd end up like trying to put yourself on a whiteboard.

5) Other smaller things. I feel that there's too many uses of 'suddenly' and 'then'. I feel that there should be a bit more sentence variations, rather than starting many of them with 'I' or 'The Shadow', or dialogues for that matter.

6)Moreover, there's something off about the way you're describing Molly's reactions to The Shadow, and her movements in general. You tend to describe her body as a separate thing altogether. While I get that you're trying to make it seem that she's losing agency to her fear, sometimes it gets a tad too much. Don't overuse it.

I think that's all I got so far. I hope I've helped. Keep Writing! Best of luck, buddy!






Hey! Thanks a lot! I knew I needed work on this particular chapter I just didn't know exactly how to correct it, but you really helped! I'll work on making the necessary adjustments!



D4RKR4VEN says...


No problem, buddy. I'm glad I helped.



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Wed Oct 30, 2013 5:04 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Ooh! Special powers! That's always exciting. I hope the other characters have good reactions when they hear about that.

Anyways, some notes: I feel sometimes like the amount of detail you put in is too much. But that doesn't happen too much, there're just a few spots where a different verb would've worked better in place of an adverb and verb so it doesn't feel weighed down.
I'd like to hear later some theories on how the Shadow communicates so easily with Molls. Science is often a key part of Sci-fi or apocalyptic stories, so I'd like to see that later.

I really enjoyed this piece so far, so keep it up!





Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud