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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

The Marks on the wall by Lewys Monroe Tapscott-Nott

by Lewys1991


CHAPTER

ONE

THE FIRST DAY AT COLLEGE

Sixteen year old Millie Salem had just arrived and unpacked her stuff and looked out her window. It was a stormy night the trees were blowing from the wind and knocking on the windows.

Thunder was striking fiercely. Suddenly . . .

The door slammed loudly!!!

Millie was going to check if a window was open strangely there was no windows open.

“Strange”. Millie said. Millie tries to reopen her door but it was locked.

“That’s weird I never locked this door”. There was a suddenly loud . . .

Click!

Millie got scared. She then tried the door again.

“That’s weird it’s open now”. Millie shrugs.

“Must have been stiff”. Millie then enters her room to find writing on her wall.

‘YOU CAN RUN CAN’T HIDE LITTLE GIRLIE!!!’

Suddenly there was a knock on the window and no trees knocking against it at this point

Millie was beginning to think maybe she and her parents had arrived in a haunted house.

As she lied in her bed thinking ‘what is my first day at college going to be like am I going to make some new friends or even meet a cute boy OMG I wonder if he’d have a big six pack’? Suddenly

There was a loud knock!

Millie answers it trembling.

There was no one there.

Mille goes back to bed she shuts her eyes then the light comes on by its self.

Millie gets up tries to switch off the light by she can’t then suddenly . . .

BANG!!!

The light blew up.

Millie starts to feel scared.

‘I’m about to wet my knickers’ she thought.

Suddenly there was more writing on the wall.

‘AWWW IS LITTLE GIRLIE SCARED HAHAHA!!!’

Millie feels the writing and finds it was written in . . .

Blood!!!

Millie closest and still no sight then suddenly . . .

The closest jammed her fingers!!!

“Ouch”!

With some force she got her fingers out of the closest.

She turns around and sees the writing.

“OUCH THAT’S GOTTA HURT HAHAHA”. Millie asks it.

“Who are you where”? It writes back.

‘IT’S LIKE HIDE AND SEEK COME AND FIND ME’ Millie goes on her computer and blogs.

“I am Millie Salem and I am about to wet myself”!!!

Next morning Millie goes down for breakfast.

‘God what a rough night’.

Millie thinks Millie rubs her eyes and heart pounds fast 100% faster than normal.

Her mother Stephanie Salem walks in the kitchen.

“I heard you last night”! She said to show off her snobbish tone by way of a morning greeting. “Crying”. Her mother teases.

Millie glared she was sick of her mother and father they were evil and her mother always was trying to find ways to make Millie snap.

“I don’t cry shut up”.

Her father Charlie Salem comes down with a belt.

He worked at NatWest bank he had a way of entering a room he would slash his belt with every step he took.

As he entered he glared at Millie.

“WHAT”? Millie says snapping.

Charlie glared more.

“Young lady don’t say what in that ungrateful tone or you’ll get . . . The belt”!!!

Millie stays quite and carries on eating her toast.

Stephanie comes and has makes out on the dining room table.

“Dear why do you always wear a towel all the time”? Charlie asks.

Stephanie laughed evilly.

“So that when Millie brings boyfriends over all eyes we’ll be on me and not that little brat”.

Millie runs off to her first day at college sobbing.

She dries her tears before entering the college she didn’t want the college asking too many questions because she didn’t want the belt.

She bravely entered the college.

When she entered all eyes were on her she was the new girl the one everyone was talking about the one they all gossiped about.

She entered her new classroom.

“Hey I’m um Millie Salem”.

The teacher smiled.

“So you’re the famous new girl in Transylvania”. Millie nods.

“Ok then Millie sit next to um ah! Aoife”!

He pointed to a beautiful young girl who was smiling up at Millie she had beautiful red hair that had gone down to her knees.

And red cheeks from the cold.

“Now, Millie Aoife is our Irish student”. Millie smiled at her.

“Aoife think you can look after the new girl”? Aoife nodded.

“You can count on me Mr. Michaels”! Mr. Michaels goes back to the white board.

“Now Millie we were just about to learn about street art. Tell me, have you heard of it”?

Millie nods. “But my parents think that it’s the work of the devil”. Millie replied.

At lunch she ate with Aoife one question was question was floating through Millie’s head

‘What on earth does Aoife mean Irish’? In the end Millie asked and Aoife smiled.

“I am glad you asked that actually Millie.

My name means “beautiful, radiant, joyful.”

Known as the greatest woman warrior in the world,

Aoife was the mother of Cuchulainn’s only son, Connlach.

Aoife Dearg (“Red Aoife”) was a daughter of a king of Connacht

who had her marriage arranged by St. Patrick himself.

In 2003 Aoife was the third most popular Irish girls name for babies in Ireland and I am proud of it”. Millie smiled.

“And so you should be”.

That night Millie had another message on her wall saying.

‘I CAN SEE YOU’.

Millie goes to sleep and cries some more.


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18 Reviews


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Reviews: 18

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Mon Oct 28, 2013 3:34 pm
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mongoose wrote a review...



hey mongoose her

Ive read it through,

I like the concept you've got going. It s good that the characters have all been introduced well because it i the sort of a story its nice to have a grasp at who everyone is.
The lay out was a little strange, it was almost a poem in how short some of the lines were, but i think that may be a formatting issue.

The use of Millie as a character is good, because she has a bad life as it is i assume, so by choosing her to 'haunt' allows you to connect with the character , as a reader you feel like, aww she needs a friend. And then you bring along the college with the friendly irish girl and yo are relieved that millie has someone to connect with. I enjoyed it.

However the use of caps lock was a bit out there in a sense, i think it would look better presentational with just an exclamation mark, but the caps lock did work when you used it for the demon ghost, thing, because i could imagine it as a booming voice, or as you said the writing on the wall which made sense and worked well.

it makes me wonder what will happen to millie, and how she will deal with it all. Some tweaking needed but other than that, thanks for posting.




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166 Reviews


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Mon Oct 28, 2013 2:23 pm
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Cheetah wrote a review...



Hi, Cheetah here, ready to review your piece.

Hm, this was okay, but it could use some work.

1) Why are there random segments in all capital letters and bold? It doesn't seem very natural for a story to have those, and we don't really need them.

2) Like Bugslake said you could split your two big paragraphs up into smaller ones. It's hard to read one big block of words so remember to start a new paragraph whenever someone is talking, you stat a new idea, and so on.

3)

Millie answers it trembling. There was no one there.


You switch to present tense in the first sentence. Just a little typo - not a big deal.

4) I don't really see the plot of this story. Unless it's the first chapter of a story, you need a satisfying ending. We still don't know who was writing on the wall, so I'd be nice to know that.

Other than that, this was pretty good. Just smooth out the bumps and you'll have a good story! Keep writing! :)




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Points: 2966
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Mon Oct 28, 2013 1:53 pm
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Bugslake wrote a review...



Hey I always love scary stories, but it was hard to follow this one because there weren't any new paragraph each time you had a new thought. Every time you talk about or the character in the story talks about something new items you need a new paragraph. Just because it is important to develope your character does not mean that it is correct to randomly describe her. You try to look for the best time to develope that character and it is done smoothly. Sometimes you don't describe certain things about the character so that the reader's imagination can take control of it.




Lewys1991 says...


I think I fix it less description of the people and more story




I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison