I have dreaded this day the moment you told me the date
Sitting, pondering, thinking of excuses to create
A reason for you not to leave
A reason for you to believe
That I will not be able to swiftly move on
Having to take on the world by myself
From dusk till dawn
I already feel the loneliness
Crawling into my mind
Obliterating every memory
Leaving nothing of you behind
“Don’t go"
“Don’t Leave”
I begin to beg in whisper
“I’ll woe”
“I’ll plea”
My words dissolving ever quicker
You are not going to listen
You are not going to care
The everlasting pain
That I will soon have to bear
I feel the walls of my room
Constricting like a python
Sucking life like a womb
With nothing left to strive on
The death of your memories
Bring me to tears
The breath of the promises you said to me
Begin to echo in my ears
“I will never leave you”
“Never will I leave you abandoned”
But the irony is tearing through
The promised words you said would never happen
You’re leaving me alone
To battle filth and vile
That dwells on me everyday
Just stay with me for little while
Any price I will pay
“Please don’t leave me”
“I will do anything”
“I will do all that I can”
You take a seat beside me
You close your eyes and you hold my hand
I whisper “Will I ever see you again?”
My mother walks through the door
“Sweetie, who are you talking to?”
Nobody mommy, just
My friend…
Hi Sleeplessend!
The other thing that confused me was the beginning. What was the significance of the date? Do you lose your imaginary friend when you reach a certain age? Overall, this was a beautiful piece, and I really felt attached to the child because we have all been there and felt that same heartbreak of losing our best friend, imaginary or not. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
I really like your poem! It makes me think of my imaginary friend when I was younger. I like your descriptive adjectives and the pleading notes throughout the poem. At first, I thought it to be about a girlfriend or maybe a regular friend, but then I realized it was about an imaginary friend when you said the thing about mommy. The only things I might want to improve would be to be careful about the length of some of your stanzas and your use of repetition. I know the pleads are supposed to be similar, but you should be careful like with “I will do anything”
“I will do all that I can” Although maybe that was what you were going for, in which case you should just completely disregard that part.
-Storygirl95
Hi Sleeplessend, have a good day! Dream with review on your wonderful poem.
The first thing I see when reading your poem is that it requires some punctuation to make it running smoothly through each lines. But I try to not care about it and then look at the theme and messages you would like to convey.
I'm really impressed with the beats you do in these lines.
I like the diction you use and the language styles you presented here.
Nevertheless, this part of your poem is a bit bother me. It is a hyperbolic element that provides extreme within the meaning of the poem. Some are able to beautify the meaning, but here it looks a bit freak.Letting go of someone especially your friend indeed not easy. But should it ended just like that? You seem to lose hope and assume all is over. The memories should not died when you are really a good friend to him/her; the same if he/she truly a loyal friend ). It may also be caused by the crisis between yourself and your friend, then it make sense.
Overall, it is still a nice poem to read. I love the idea when you use a narrative form to deliver the messages. Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers.
I find this poem really intriguing. Your incorporation of spoken elements is an interesting technique, I think it is very successful in creating an heir of desperation in the poem and overall creating different layers to it. However, You may want to consider splitting it up further into verses in places where there are transistions in the flow. For example after "From dusk til dawn." That however, is a matter of opinion and you would have to see how it works for you.
Something I really like about this poem is the language and imagery- "I feel the walls of my room constricting like a python." I feel like this line gives us the image of a struggle at the same time as the image of enclosing space, which works well along with the theme of your poem. Words such as "vile," and "everlasting" were also used well towards developing the theme.
One last comment is in regards to the ending. I find it throws me off a little bit, although that could be me just not fulling grasping it. I feel like it makes it seem childish or petty in contrast to the rest which is powerful and dark.
Overall this is a very successful piece and definitely enjoyed reading it, keep writing!
After looking at the ending i see what you mean. The ending is supposed to signify that the friend is not real, its an imaginary friend and the child is broken. Perhaps i will edit it to make it seem that way and it will be better. Thank you for the review