Hi Json,

Here to review this essay! I think you did a great job with getting enough facts in there, and explaining the affects of technology. I never actually knew that the more you sat, the likelier you are to die younger! I was shocked, and whenever a reader learns something new, or is surprised, you know your essay is good.

I also liked how you started with a rather absurd question, and then went on to explain what you meant. It immediately hooked my attention and I just wanted to read more! You have some topic sentences in there, which is the first sentence to each paragraph and should tell the reader what they are expected to read. For example, a perfect topic sentence that you used is: Technology promotes an inactive lifestyle. It's perfect

Some things which could use working on is your use of commas and full stops. Sometimes they weren't there at all, when they needed to be. Perhaps you should read your essay aloud, and see where you pause? Whenever you pause, there needs to be a comma or a full stop at that exact place. It is easy to know where they need to be then.

"Many people were addicted to technology that they used to just sit with their modern electronic gadgets almost throughout the day." This sentence is a bit muddled when it comes to the English in it. My version: Many people can get addicted to technology and spend a lot of time using their gadgets and sitting. Other than that, this paragraph was awesome!

I think the rest of your essay was great. It had a good mix of quotes, information and I learnt quite a bit. I do think the conclusion could use a bit of tweaking in terms of English and the message you want to give the reader.

"Technology is really too much." You've done a good job of remaining formal when it comes to this essay throughout. Let's keep that up here as well. And maybe say something more extravagant. Like: technology is taking over our world, because we let it.

"It has changed everything, from the shape of the apple to the color of the air." Hmm I think this is taking the beginning phrase you used a little too far. I understand what you are trying to bring across at the beginning. But really, I don't know what you mean by the colour of the air? In my opinion you should cut this section out of the essay completely.

Then it was all good, and very uplifting. And the final line, "Leave your seats and look beyond, there are still countless wonderful real things outside!" It was a good way to end! Maybe cut out the word real, because it sounds like you're trying to say technology isn't 'real' which it is, and can lead on to a whole argument surrounding just that.

I think you should work on the title, because Too much T isn't really flattering, and in comparison to the essay I don't think it fits. Maybe something like technology taking over the world. Something a bit more intriguing.

I hope this review helped! If you want some more tips on writing essays this club has a good forums with articles and so on. Please do subscribe! clubs/1759

Deanie x

"Technology" is a broad topic . You should choose a topic that is specific , but you are able to elaborate it well . Good job

wow!!! it was nice...very nice....thanks to the sharer

hey brother,

This is connected to KT's review.

"Technology has promoted an inactive lifestyle. Many people were addicted to technology that they used to just sit with their modern electronic gadgets almost throughout the day. People neglect the healthy way of living leading to many health problems. One example is having a blurred vision with migraine that happens after too much constant staring at computer and device screens. Neck and back pain could also get from long hours hunching in front of your computers, laptops, and other devices. Using headphones and ear buds could also result to hearing loss and lack of awareness leading to accidents. Another thing is that technology has made almost everything available without much effort exertion. You can order a fully-cooked meal and research anything even without leaving your seats. The abuse of technological devices has made people do most of their daily activities while sitting. This is too bad however, because research shows the longer you sit, the greater the likelihood you’ll die at younger age."

I clearly understand the writer's point. What he's trying to say is the negative POSSIBILITIES of abusing technology. He's also not concluding that everyone experiences those health risks.

WELL WRITTEN!
-YOUR SISTER -

Hi, I'm Teen, here to review your essay. As a Knight of the Green Room, I do have a title, but I only use it on formal occasions.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, that's ok. The KOTGR have a forum page in the lounge.

Have you already eaten a rectangular apple?

Technology has promoted an inactive lifestyle. Many people were addicted to technology that they used to just sit with their modern electronic gadgets almost throughout the day. People neglect the healthy way of living leading to many health problems. One example is having a blurred vision with migraine that happens after too much constant staring at computer and device screens. Neck and back pain could also get from long hours hunching in front of your computers, laptops, and other devices. Using headphones and ear buds could also result to hearing loss and lack of awareness leading to accidents. Another thing is that technology has made almost everything available without much effort exertion. You can order a fully-cooked meal and research anything even without leaving your seats. The abuse of technological devices has made people do most of their daily activities while sitting. This is too bad however, because research shows the longer you sit, the greater the likelihood you’ll die at younger age.

Online interaction has also removed the sense of real bonding resulting to weaker bonds among family members and friends.

acute (short-term) or chronic (long-term)

The worse thing is destroying our environment, is destroying us.