I Want

by Pako

Published October 3, 2013

E - Everyone

In Poems

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I want

	 I want to fly high..
	 And From There to you I say hi..
	 I want to be the reason of your smile..
	 And save every memory in my heart as a special file..
	 I want to know you more..
	 If I'll say I like you will you open the door?..
	 I want to be the one..
         Just take my hand together we'll run..
	 I want to make you feel special each day..
         Make you feel special with every word I'll say.. 
         I want to see you happy..
	 Just for you I can be cheesy..
         I want to be your best friend and your lover..
         And hope there will be no end in forever..
         I want to hear your voice before I sleep every night.. 
         Hold your hands and hug you really tight..
" The only man I'll envy is the man who wins your heart "
Comments & reviews · 4
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review Review · Oct 5, 2013

Hello, Infinity here to review!

Well I'm not one for love poems in general so I'll try to leave that personal opinion while reviewing your work.

I like the simplicity of just expressing yourself about loving someone, even though it's a bit cheesy I like that you just boldly say it without a care in the world.

However there is always room for improvement so there are some things I'd like to address and suggest to you.

Firstly I don't like the ".." after every line it's distracting and unnecessary.

"I want to fly high..
And From There to you I say hi..
I want to be the reason of your smile..
And save every memory in my heart as a special file.."

The second line wording sounds a bit off, grammatically. Well you have the first three words as capital letters, one the first word needs one. Revise the line, perhaps, "From me to you I say hi" ?
The memory in your heart being described as a special file sounds kind of awkward, maybe save it as a part of you?

"If I'll* say I like you will you open the door?.."

Here, the sentence sounds a bit.... um well you're giving conditions to someone you supposedly like, but that's just my view on it so take it with a grain of salt as I'm not one for love poems.

Hope I was of help to you, Keep writing!

User avatar
PurpleEurope
Comment
PurpleEurope commented Comment · Oct 4, 2013

I accidentally left my comment down there, so look down there!

Pako replied · Oct 4, 2013

Haha and I've replied to your comment also down there

User avatar
Gravity
Review
Gravity wrote a review Review · Oct 3, 2013

I like this poem. I think it's sweet, and light and the idea behind it is extremely romantic. There are a few things I don't like. Don't take this personally, I just want to give you ways to make an already great poem even better.

Your use of couplets in the first couple of stanzas is great. I really admired that about your poem. I also loved your formatting. It was neat, organized, and it stood out. The thing I didn't like was the fact that you used two periods at the end of each line. I know what you were trying to do. But the THREE periods should only be used to connect two... "unfinished" thoughts. See what I did there? It indicates a pause or a trailing off. You also are in dire need of commas in several places. I'm going to give you one example and you can look for the rest.

"Just take my hand together we'll run.."

The line should be: "Just take my hand, together we'll run." Or:"Just take my hand, and together we'll run." Either one will do. Also, your couplet is inconsistent right here:

"I want to see you happy..
Just for you I can be cheesy.."

I think it would sound better like this "I want to see you happy,
For you I can be sappy." It rhymes and has great rhythm. Win win, right?

That's all I've got to say, I hope this helped :)

Pako replied · Oct 4, 2013

Hey thanks for the advice I appreciate it :)

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DreamWork
Review
DreamWork wrote a review Review · Oct 3, 2013

Hi Pako, DK with review on your poem.First of all,welcome to YWS :)

Giving expressions of love may seem simple, but rather it is something that needs to be fully in a special way.I see what you want to convey, it is a reality and can not be denied. I like your idea, but let me make review on lines that caught my attention.

I want to fly high..
And From There to you I say hi*..

I think the verse structure is a bit 'odd'.
Try this;*a place where I can greet you.
I want to be the reason of*(for) your smile..
And save every memory*(memories) in my heart as a special file..


Quite nice and romantic poem,but you need to work hard in term of grammar.The rhythm is okay,but you need to improve the diction in your poem.I see the potential here,so keep it up!
Kudos,cheers
dark.

Pako replied · Oct 4, 2013

Haha thanks dude and I know my weakness is my grammar, because I'm more comfortable making poems using my language (tagalog). So my English sometimes is not good haha, but thanks for the advice :)

Hey there! I really liked your poem (although it made me a bit sad), the only thing was the dot dots bothered me a bit?

%u2665PE

Pako replied · Oct 4, 2013

Hehe sorry for the dots



The first thing I do when I have a good quote is always to put a goat in it. uwu
— Liminality