z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Kira's Story, Chapter 10

by dragonfphoenix


Delta Thread, chapter 3

Shadow was quietly sitting outside the coordinates Wildfire had sent to him after the intruders had been returned. There wasn’t much to see, just desert that stretched away from the grassy border like an ocean that had evaporated long ago and forgotten to take its foundation with it. The four had been dropped off nearby, and had done nothing for the hour Wildfire had stood silently watching them in the Overlay Region, an effective lookout that they would not have been aware of. Wildfire had almost gone crazy having to stay in one place, doing the same, uneventful task for so long, but he’d managed, and had learned nothing. He’d come back to the palace as ordered, and sent the location to Shadow through their headsets, one of Shadow’s special technical creations.

Shadow had arrived to find the four gone, with no trace of their whereabouts. That left him with two options: they had either been ordered to wait here until picked up if anything went wrong, or they were only trying to leave a false trail and keep him from finding out where their base camp was. Caden had said that Obsidian could have returned, so he couldn’t rule out any travel through the Overlay Region. Such a journey would have left some trail in its wake, much like the jet streams from the planes in Earth’s skies, unless of course the travelers were smart enough to know how to cover their tracks, an ability that Shadow wasn’t ready to put beyond Obsidian’s intellect.

He readjusted, sliding his tri-barreled sniper rifle to the crook of his left arm. He patted it affectionately. Weapons were his specialty, and he’d modified the model to shoot as fast as he wanted, as far as it was capable, hence the need for the rotating barrels. Too much firepower would decrease the accuracy, but he’d compensated by improving his aim. He could crank the gun up to full speed and place all the rounds exactly where he wanted them to go, even in moving targets. He was a Moderator, after all. He ought to be that good.

He glanced quickly at the lens of his Rogue headset; it still came up negative for signs of life matching that of his queries. Either he was getting old, or his software was phasing out. He wasn’t sure what was wrong, but his instincts told him that someone or something had removed the four elves, and left no trails, visible or invisible. He switched the viewer to Overlay, and saw nothing in the Region traveled only by Moderators. Caden had warned that something was amiss with the elves that had mysteriously appeared in Kira’s private dining room, past all the guards and even Caden’s foresight. Shadow doubted that Obsidian was that good yet, but doubts were what cost lives, and Shadow wasn’t about to let a vital clue slip past him simply because he doubted the probability of its existence. So he sat and waited, hoping for that clue to either present itself or the slightest hint of its whereabouts. He was a hunter by nature. He could wait out any obstacle, if necessary, and his gut told him to sit here and wait.

“Any news?” his headset buzzed, Caden’s voice coming into his ear.

“None to report.” Shadow said quietly, not letting his eyes wander.

“Keep me posted.” Caden said.

“Will do.” Shadow replied, then signed off. Caden could reach him if need be, but for now he’d maintain radio silence, just in case Obsidian had managed to start Bubble-hopping and dragging in foreign technology. The last thing he needed was for that rookie to pull the ground out from under him when he could have seen it coming. He scanned the desert again, and again found nothing. He tried all the standard frequencies, then some of the more obscure, and received negatives from all of them.

Finally he sensed the four miniscule shifts in energy, and switched his headset’s viewer to Overlay. Four dots presented themselves on the viewer, no more than little dots of energy. He waited until they’d reached their destination and flickered back into the physical world, miles from his current position, before jumping in after them. He stopped a little over a mile from where they’d reentered, and engaged the active camo on his suit before returning to the physical world. He shimmered into substantiality a hundred yards from a large gathering of tents, perhaps hundreds of thousands in his estimation. There were hundreds of rings of tents, each ring containing twenty individual tents, around now dormant bonfire pits. The camp was north of the Gypsy settlement, west of the city. Shadow began searching for signs of a Moderator, not exclusively Obsidian’s signature, but came up with nothing, only a heightened sense of the vaguely familiar. His instincts were screaming to him to get out of this lion’s den, that there was too much danger to face alone, but he ignored it and slowly moved into the outer fringes of the camp.

He saw elves, soldiers, seated in and around the tents, playing cards, throwing knives, darts, and anything else small enough to be picked up with one hand. Most were former members of the Palace Guard, defectors that had fled with Masa when the coupe had failed. Why they were all gathered here was plain enough to Shadow’s innate sense of danger: they were preparing for war. Shadow knew that they were well out-numbered by the remaining Guard, and more soldiers could be procured from the city itself if necessary. This only reaffirmed his suspicion that these elves were either not what they appeared, or held some unknown advantage that allowed them to sit out in the open, all congregated in one spot. They held some secret key that made them feel comfortable enough not to fear an open attack; they didn’t even have sentries posted at the perimeters. Shadow silently shook his head at the poor defenses held by the camp. He could unleash an unseen attack right now and wipe out half of them before they even knew they were under attack. His trigger finger gently stroked the slim piece of metal that controlled the gun. Tempting, but he’d bide his time for now.

He strode unseen and unchallenged into the heart of the camp. He still found no sign of a Moderator, and no signs of any leadership outside the fact that Caden had seen Masa among the four elves that had invaded the palace. Perhaps Seth would have some ideas; the renegade elf was due for his annual report to the queen. Shadow glided back out of the camp, a phantom that was neither seen nor felt during his visit. He waited until he was beyond shouting distance of the camp to return to the Overlay Region, and from there to where the four had been deposited several hours ago.

“Caden, this is Snatch, come in.” he said into his headset.

“I’m listening. What do you have?”

“There’s a standing army about twenty-five miles north of where Sunny dropped of the package.” Shadow said. “The package was transported by unknown carrier through the O-Region, and no signs of a Mod. Something’s wrong with the band. They’re just sitting there.”

“No guard?” Caden asked.

“None. Not even a lone sentry.” Shadow said, shaking his head in disgust. “I don’t like it.”

“You’re not the only one.” Caden replied. “All right, tag their Xwey and come back.”

“Caden, has Seth arrived yet?” Shadow asked.

“How’d you know we were looking for him?” Caden asked.

“I didn’t.” Shadow said, his instincts flaring. “Get Sunny out there.”

“Already did.” Caden replied. “Just get back here and we’ll go from there.”

“So where exactly are we?” Seth asked the small girl as she retrieved a pitcher full of an unknown, green liquid, and glasses to pour the liquid into. He was standing next to his wife, Enna, who was seated on the rectangular sofa that was situated near the center of the room. Its upholstery was a black cloth, and was far more comfortable than its hard lines suggested. It sat on a large gray rug that was soft to the touch. A small coffee table, with a top to match the couch and legs to blend into the rug, was situated a few feet from the couch, and opposite the table was a single chair that matched the room’s décor. The floor underneath the rug was a glossy white, and the walls of the room were made entirely of untinted glass that let the bright sunshine stream unhindered into the room. Raven was getting their drinks in the kitchen that was just as open as the room Seth stood in, with appliances that shone of stainless steel.

“Just one of my places.” Raven said, smiling, as she carried the tray of drinks into the living room. She set the tray on the coffee table, then handed one to Seth, one to Enna, and kept the last for herself.

“Are you sure your sister will be all right taking care of Aiden?” Enna asked.

“Lori? Of course she can take care of him. She has two of her own to take care of. She’s had lots of practice; they were quite a handful.” Raven said, looking back at the hallway which held the spare room. Raven’s sister, Lori, had taken the little boy back into the room to rock him to sleep and let his parents talk in peace. “She had twins.” Raven commented, then smiled at Enna. “So, yes, she’ll be fine.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that.” Seth said. “I wouldn’t want to impose. You’ve done enough already.”

“I’m glad you think that.” Raven said. “Because I hope you won’t be too offended when I tell you that I have to keep you here for a while.”

“As prisoners?” Seth asked, suspicion creeping into his voice. Raven may have saved his life, but he didn’t know where her alliances stood.

“As guests.” Raven replied. “I have no desire to keep you here against your will, but my orders are to make sure that you stay safely away from the palace until I’m told it’s safe for you to return. As a precaution, we’ll keep Enna and Aiden here, to make sure that they can’t be targeted like they were last time.”

“You know about that?” Seth asked.

Raven laughed, and said, “I know a lot more than that, Seth, including a certain surprise that’s coming in a couple of years.”

“What kind of surprise?” Seth asked, but Raven shook her finger.

“Seth, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, now, would it?” she said.

“What is this stuff?” Enna asked, peering at the contents of her glass.

“A highly toxic poison.” Raven replied, staring over her own glass. She took a deep drink, then wiped the residue off her mouth unceremoniously with the back of her hand. “Yes, mother.” she called over her shoulder into the hallway. “Sisters.” she commented, looking back at the pair in front of her. “Oh, it is a highly toxic poison, actually, but…” Her eyes were sparkling with laughter as she saw the concerned expressions on Seth and Enna’s faces. “Deadly only to a species you don’t know.” she finished, smiling. “It’s otherwise known as fruit nectar, silly. What, you thought I’d really serve you poison? If you were on my bad side, maybe. But seeing that I haven’t tried to kill you, and did the direct opposite for Seth, I think you can trust me to be on your side.”

“Wonderful.” Seth said, frowning as he sloshed the nectar around. “I’ll keep that in mind if we ever get into a fight. But how soon can we go back?”

“As soon as I get orders saying you can.” Raven said, her emerald eyes cool and unflinching. “You saw Masa’s Demis, right? Those things are trouble, and there’s lots of trouble brewing in Eldia.”

“Shouldn’t I be there to help?” Seth asked, confused. “I lead my tribe now.”

“As you should.” Raven commented, sipping her juice. “But not right now.”

“When?” Enna asked.

“Soon, very soon.” Raven said. “I’m waiting on my father to get here, to tell me a little more of what’s going on, and depending on what he says, you could be back in Eldia by next month.”

“Next month!” Seth exclaimed. “If there’s a war brewing, I need to be there now, organizing my tribe and the others. I can’t wait a month.”

“A month our time.” Raven continued. “Not in Eldian time. That translates to three days, give or take a couple hours, in Eldia.”

“So we’re not in Eldia at all?” Enna asked.

“No.” Raven said, shaking her head. “Does the kitchen look familiar to you? Name one of the items in it.”

“I don’t recognize anything.” Enna said.

“You shouldn’t, unless you’d been here before, which you haven’t.” Raven said.

“I don’t understand.” Seth said. “I get that we’re not in Eldia. Kira said that she’d had something similar happen to her when Obsidian took over. But she could do that, had it happen, because she was one of the Keys.”

“And you’re not?” Raven asked, her eyes looking over her cup questioningly.

“I was.” he said, absently rubbing where the blue birthmark was.

“You still are.” Raven replied, setting her glass down on the table. “The only thing that changed was that Obsidian lost his designation as the Mind Key. He still has the abilities, but he’s no longer one of the Three. Should you or Kira want to open the Portal again, you’d need to find the next Mind Key, which I wouldn’t advise you do yet. But of the three, Seth, you’re the only one who hasn’t unlocked your ability as a Key.”

“And what would that be?” Seth asked.

Raven sighed, picking her glass up again and swirling the liquid around in circles. “You’re the Body Key, Seth. What do you think your ability is?”

“You’re not suggesting that I can simply become incredibly strong if I just figure out how?’ Seth asked disbelievingly.

“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.” Raven said, taking another sip from her glass. “Grant it, you won’t see much physical change, but it’ll be there, mainly in quicker reflexes and longer endurance. You will be stronger, and definitely faster, once you unlock that reserve.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” Seth asked.

Raven smiled, resembling an eager wolf. “That is the question I’ve been waiting for you to ask for a long time.”


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189 Reviews


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Reviews: 189

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Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:07 pm
manisha wrote a review...



Hi there!
I took a long break and am back to reviewing. I am going to try to see this story through a different angle now.
Your description had toned up well from the previous chapter. It does well here too.
Who is Aiden? Is it someone I missed in the previous chapters?
Oh wait, Aiden, Seth's son? I thought he wasn't yet born. I guess my bad.
I liked the Raven you introduced to us before! What has happened to her here? She sounds like a twelve year old.
And herculean strength? Actually, I appreciate the 'power' you had bestowed Kira with. With the whole Soul Key thing. That was a nice idea but Body Key power is kinda predictable. (this is my opinion, feel free to ignore it!)
So what exactly does Obsidian have being the Mind Key? I'm curious to know. I really hope its no a mind reading thing.
I like the ending. After a long time we see suspense.
Well done.
-manisha




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:36 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Well then.

There are new characters introduced. From an apparently meaningless hostage situation at a diner in the previous chapter, we are now reading Call of Duty: Black Ops. There's a camp, commando operation, then you suddenly switch to Seth and the mysterious girl. I like how you tell us her name is Raven, but Seth doesn't actually find out. How amusing. I fail to see the point of this chapter. Weren't we talking about moderators? Why are we back to the keys? Gaaah this is confusing. Basically what I said for the previous chapters goes here. I don't know what plotline to follow, or what characters to care about, because there's just so much.

Hope this helped
-Louis




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:56 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi Dragon,Dark here to review your novel-story for chapter 10.

I'm trying the best to review your story based on my knowledge in writing a novel. So I thought I should start from the beginning, but it seems to give reviews is the most important here now.

I love your writing style in this novel. Your style is certainly unique and different from other writers.

Shadow was quietly sitting outside the coordinates Wildfire had sent to him after the intruders had been returned.


However, this sentence seems like need commas between the 'coordinates and Wildfire'. But then it still look a bit odd here.This line can be improve a bit.Or maybe you mistyping some word between it.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that.” Seth said. “I wouldn’t want to impose. You’ve done enough already.”

“I’m glad you think that.” Raven said. “Because I hope you won’t be too offended when I tell you that I have to keep you here for a while.”


Details in every conversation between them is very helpful to make readers understand the whole story. Although I noticed, their words quite a bit stiff.

Your story is so interesting and enthralling. Diction is also also good and easy to understand. But whatever the reason is, the existence of the characters are still not enough to influence the reader's feeling here. Characters that created not raises a significant personality in each of them. As if they were all have the same attitude.
Keep it up! I know you can do better,because you are a great writer ,I can see the potential here.
Kudos,cheers
~Dark




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:44 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hihi!

You’ll get really sick of this, but fix up those transitions! I’m going to mention it in every single chapter because it happens in every chapter and it’s ridiculously awkward. It’s like we've suddenly walked out of a tent into a completely foreign land without warning. Give us some warning, please.

You’ve given us some more hints about time. I feel like I can assume it’s been maybe a year and a half since the incident. Why would she mention a surprise several years from now? Like, what is the point of that at all? It means nothing to Seth or Enna and she’s obviously not going to explain it. It’s not even a hint, it’s just an annoying mention that we know we won’t see the results of. ALSO Why is Seth standing in the living room of a girl who may have saved his life but who has been cagey and unpredictable so far and only now being like “Oh wait, she might be a trap?” Like, he’s really bad at being on guard; I can only assume that he sucked at his job in the army as well.

“Oh how silly you thought I might kill you after I told you that you’re not allowed to leave yayyyy!” She’s not my favourite character anymore. Also. Seth was only barely a gypsy (and not even really) when we last saw him and now he leads the tribe? That seems really, really unlikely. And now we know they’re on earth or whatever, but that he doesn't recognise anything in the kitchen. How did he describe it as stainless steel (as we were in his perspective) then? That needs to be altered (and could stand to be a little less info-dumpy.

““You’re not suggesting that I can simply become incredibly strong if I just figure out how?’ Seth asked disbelievingly.” It is interesting that he assumes this cause I assumed it meant he could change forms, that doesn't seem like the most logical thing for him to leap to, particularly as he says it as though it is nonsense. And her response of “for a long time” dude, they've known each other like an hour or whatever that isn't a long time at all.

You’ve got the same problem streaming over this chapter as the others, unrealistic character dialogue/action coupled with a super confusing timeline which still isn’t very clear. You’ve improved on the description which is great, but now you need to disperse it a little so it isn't in this concentrated lump. We’d like to get it in little smooth bits.

- Penguin.





There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett