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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Ch 1 - Ch 3

by InaliFang


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Blather. It's about Nyu Osama. She's a split personality victim. When it's 'she said' it means the other personality. When it's 'I' it's Nyu.

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"Hello?" she blurts out. I quickly cover my mouth with both of my small hands, as though my mouth has a mind of its own. My eyes are crossed and I’m distraught and all alone to the core.

"Don't be afra-" she evilly utters.

"Don't even start." I bluntly state.

"Don't start what? You can't stop it." she said crossly.

"No, no, no!" I exclaim.

"No, what?" she sarcastically adds.

"You should know. You're the other half," I explain, strutting down the eerie street. I halt in my tracks, clenching my fists, and gritting my teeth. My medium-length pink hair is gently relaxing on my revealed shoulders. My right arm starts to move, an involuntary movement that I did not allow. I swiftly move my other hand to pin it down, to no avail. It swerves and punches me on my right cheek, ferocious and uncontrolled. I land on my back; pain shoots up my lower back. I cry out in agony, I jump back up and pin my right hand to the gravel with my left knee.

"You don't know what you're doing! Stop this monstrosity! Sister!" she pleads, with a venomous voice to pull a sham to deceive me.

"I don't know what I'm doing?! You're such a skank!" I shout ruefully as a tear stains my face. I point my head down, and then I shake it off by jerking my head left and right. She is too appalled to even object.

I stand up, my head looking at my mangled hand while it’s trembles violently. My left hand shields my right eye from being seen. It is bloodshot and I feel it. I dash down the abandoned, meandering street, passing several houses, street signs, and mailboxes.

My right leg halts, unwantingly, in its tracks, causing me to trip and land face first on the pavement. I quickly sit up, legs crossed. I whine from the stinging pain and cover my face with my left arm.

"What'd you do that for, sister?!" I shriek, rubbing the dust from my face. I rotate myself to where my legs are on the pavement, drawn in close to my thighs. My hands gather on the ground, fists clenched. I grit my teeth tautly.

"Ya' know what? I don't care." she states boldly. I gasp at the meaning of those words, and then quickly recover to growl at the disgrace.

Stupid fool...

"You never did care... You're a disgrace to my body. Get OUT." I say crossly, my heartache reappearing. It is shattering my fragile heart like glass.

Why did that hurt? Do I really need her? She's in MY body, not hers. She can get her own for all I care.

I shake my head as a tear falls down my cheek and to the pavement, quickly dissolving into the asphalt.

"I can't, and you know that. I like annoying you anyways." she explains, pointing her index finger at me.

"Oh Really? You're such a jerk!" I scowl.

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What do you think???

Ch 2

THE NEXT DAY; AFTERNOON

I was walking around for an hour now, searching for my sister, Inali, who'd said that she would be here and at this very spot. The park is next to a gigantic tree near the sign that says: Welcome to the Lumarian Park!

The park has blue-painted wooden benches scattered around, six drinking faucets, a medium-sized playground to my left, and enormous, luscious trees .. The playground consists of double-swing-set, teeter-totty, monkey bars, and sand that covers the floor.

I glance in the direction of the pitter-patter of the faint footsteps on the smooth earth; it’s Inali, bringing someone else with her. Someone I don’t recognize immediately.

"Hey Nyu, we’re here!" Inali shouts, dashing towards me while hand-in-hand with Amethyst trailing behind her, our best friend since third grade. Her violet hair flows in the breeze, along with Inali’s, as her’s is a deep maroon that is short.

Both girls run up to my side, though Inali is always cold and distant, and Amethysist is as optimistic and carefree as I am.

“Why don’t you j-,” she starts again, but I slap my left hand onto my mouth to prevent her from carrying on, almost tripping over my dainty feet to do so. A closed eye smile suits it. They both have puzzled looks plastered onto their fragile faces. Amethysist shrugs it off, though Inali becomes concerned. I shoot daggers at Amethysist with my eyes and trudge away in the opposite direction while my fists are clenched lightly.

“Nyu… She didn’t me-, “ Inali clarifies, trying to pacify me, despite the fact that we don’t listen.

“Buzz off!” she and I snarl over our shoulder, my medium-length pink hair fluffed up and my eyes fuel with rage. I realize that Inali is shocked with her tiny cyan eyes vibrating violently.

Amethyst exhales with little composure, as to control her uprising attitude. “Look, I’m sorry Nyu. It’s just tha-,” she starts.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” she screeches up-close-and-personal, taking over MY body like she is venom coursing through my veins.

(((QUICK AUTHOR’S NOTE – Italics is thoughts while within –random words-. *random words* is ‘she’ and the other words are Nyu.)))

What is wrong with you?!

*ME? What is wrong with you? You’re the one who is staying with these bakas!*

How dare you!

*How dare I? Shame on you…*

SHUT UP!

*Never!*

YOU are the one who started this, YOU are the one who is always doing this, and YOU shall stop this RIGHT NOW, SISTER!

I strut towards the rest of the way home alone, burning tears clouding my line of sight. I don’t even look at the surroundings, although they seem vaguely familiar. I stop and collapse on a wooden bench lethargically, eerie written all along this place.

*Why did you run, dearie?*

I didn’t you fool…

*FOOL?!*

Yes, fool. You were foolish to even to utter those words. You’re lucky that you are in MY body; otherwise, you’d be dead.

*YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS FOOLISH! I’m just doing what I’m here for, to turn you to insanity.*

“Just… Just go away, I’m tired…” I demand my voice scarcely audible.

“This will not suffice!” she roars. I swipe my left hand to silence her to no avail.

“Just be quiet…” I whispered, virtually to dreamland. I gradually slide shut my eyes, she rejected it, but then again, I just don’t care. She pokes me on the cheek and I roll over, lying on her arm.

She continues to pester me and I just ignore it, eventually falling asleep.

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Ch 3

THE NEXT DAY; NOON

(The blazing sun with blinding light and warmth are coming.) I groan and she whacks me with the back of her hand. I then jolt up with many cats falling off me while some reposition, stretch, or yawn.

-What the-?

*Um… I can’t do anything about that. They were here before I woke up. Weird, right?*

Yep. Why are you not being an ass today?

*SHUT UP!*

There it is…

*Let’s just go already.*

Fine.-

I rudely shove multiple cats off me and get up while yawning softly and stretching my arms. The felines gather around my feet, anticipating my next move. I speedily move around them; though they are mewing and purring loudly, not leaving me alone.

-Ugh… Why now (remove word) must they be annoying?

*Hey! Don’t look at me, I didn’t do anything.*

Yea, sure. Whatever.-

I start to sprint and the cats follow, yowling indistinctively. The moment I stop moving, I felt several cats try to either climb onto me or get my attention by whining earsplittingly. My clothes have accumulated a bunch of hair on them and I brush it off nonchalantly.

I sigh heavily while bending down to pet the numerous cats that strenuously desire my attention. This one particular cat, unlike the other cats that are hyped up on cat nip, which is silver with white stripes, was licking me calmly,

-Hey, you there.

*What the hell do you want?*

Yes, you with the face! Hahaha!

*Shush…*

I laugh quietly as I hold my stomach as it starts to turn. I clutch my sides as I whipped (whip or turn) around quickly to vomit on the cement. I then I wiped my mouth from the residue. Some of the cats dart away from the foul stench and splattering chunks, and yet they still meow relentlessly.

-Should we go h-?

*Home? Yes indeed.*

Yep. That’s what I thought.

*Shut your pie-hole or I will do it for you.*

Like you would. Try me, I dare you.

*Just watch me try.*-

She irks her hand towards my face and I immediately stop it.

-*WHAT?! How did you…?

Do that? It’s nothing really, just a trick.

*I would’ve known! NO!*

Shut up you annoying one!

*…No…*-

I scoff and turn around, trying to keep my composure calm by inhaling deeply.

“Hey! Aren’t you Nyu?” I turn around quickly to find that it’s the person that made me run off in the first place, Amethyst. I scrunch up my eyebrows and turn back around and start to sprint slightly.

“I didn’t mean to… Ya’ know, make you mad. Please forgive me, Nyu,” she confesses, grasping my shoulder casually and gazing at me with her vast, innocent, cobalt eyes.

“Atchi e ike! (あっちへ行け!/ 去る GO AWAY!)” I shove her away from me with my eyes underlined with fury. I start to huff and puff, exerting energy by breathing heavily.

“Sheesh... I didn’t do anything to you so why are you reacting like this, you little punk?” she sarcastically mocks while waving her small finger at me.

“Why you little…!


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51 Reviews


Points: 77
Reviews: 51

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Tue Sep 24, 2013 10:26 am
sphealwithit says...



Hello, Sphealwithit here, A happy reviewing day to you :)

I like the idea behind the story, i'm currently studying psychology so this kinda thing interests me. You have forgotten to punctuate the speech correctly at times. Apart from that it's a really good story.

Keep at it.

(PS, I love the use of Japanese, it's an amazing language)




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51 Reviews


Points: 77
Reviews: 51

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Tue Sep 24, 2013 10:26 am
sphealwithit wrote a review...



Hello, Sphealwithit here, A happy reviewing day to you :)

I like the idea behind the story, i'm currently studying psychology so this kinda thing interests me. You have forgotten to punctuate the speech correctly at times. Apart from that it's a really good story.

Keep at it.

(PS, I love the use of Japanese, it's an amazing language)




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Points: 740
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Thu Sep 19, 2013 2:01 am
IceQueenMiki wrote a review...



So, look at all the technical stuff below me *points* (That's just so I don't have to type every single grammar error that I catch.)
A few other things-
~Dialogue is punctuated incorrectly in certain areas. For example: "'Don't start what? You can't stop it.' she says crossly." Should be "Don't start what? You can't stop it,' she says crossly." because "she says crossly" is not a complete sentence (capital first letter) so we need to put a comma before the quotation mark. If it's a question mark or an exclamation leave it as is. If you don't use tags like: "Sentence."
"Another sentence."
"Another sentence."
Then leave it as is. It should be fine.
The weird thing is, I just read a few more lines, and it was fine, and then you made the same punctuation mistake.
~Take that author's note out. Do author's notes at the end, not the middle. It really interrupts the story.
~You really shouldn't have to use an author's note to explain something in your story. That should be something that is just there, that you just know. Or rather, there should be something inside the story itself to signify that "this is Nyu talking" or "this is the other one".
~Great idea, though. Just little problems in the storytelling.
~I like your use of Japanese, but I'd suggest putting it in italics and removing the parenthetical. Although, that's a completely optional part.




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Thu Sep 19, 2013 1:40 am
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



It's time for *drumroll* a REVIEW!!!
All right, here we go.
Technical stuff first.
"I stand up, my head looking at my mangled hand while it’s trembles violently", your "it's trembles" should be "it trembles".
"I gradually slide shut my eyes, she rejected it, but then again, I just don’t care." This sentence reads really awkwardly, and that first comma makes this a comma splice. Also, "rejected" is past, not present, tense. So that needs to be fixed too.
"Why now (remove word) must they be annoying". ??? What does "Why now" mean, especially related to the rest of the sentence? And you should put "[expletive]" or "[redacted]" in place of "(remove word)". It just reads better.
"My clothes have accumulated a bunch of hair on them and I brush it off nonchalantly." You want "hairs", not "hair", in this instance.
"I laugh quietly as I hold my stomach as it starts to turn. I clutch my sides as I whipped (whip or turn) around quickly to vomit on the cement. I then I wiped my mouth from the residue." You switch verb tenses again. There were a few other places where the verb tense and usage got a little tricky.

Now, story notes. I liked your idea, but the author's notes might not entirely be necessary. You could easily figure out a way to show, in the text, that "she" means the other personality. And then the ((Quick Note...)) was just a huge interjection that was kind of like "Oh, here's a big neon sign telling us what to do. Okay, sign's gone but the glow's still there. Well, the story goes on..." I think you could figure out a way to make it clear who is who without doing that. The formatting kind of gives it away already, so all you have to do is distinguish which speaker is which (and you pretty much do that already; it isn't THAT hard to tell). So please look into that.

Hope this helps!

And, in case a herald has not yet announced it, you should check out the library contest thread Knights of the Green Room -- Quest for a Library [Sept. 28]





Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
— Alison Billet