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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

A Little Demon at Camp part 1

by UnorthodoxDreamer


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I watched as my butler slew monsters, Greek ones at that. I suppose I should be surprised, but 111 of being a demigod can certainly ruin that much. After all, having monsters attack you constantly, assassins and swindlers after my fortune, running a company after my parents died, getting a demon butler, becoming a lover of said demon butler after becoming a demon myself. yep, not much surprised me anymore.

Sebastian finished pummeling all of the monsters into monster goo (or would have, but they have a habit of exploding into dust when they die) and sauntered over to me, slipping him arm around my waist and pulling me close in a protective and possessive manner. he leans in and whispers, so as not to hurt my ears, "Maybe we should take you to that camp after all." I hear him sigh, and though his warm breath felt nice on the skin of my neck, I frowned.He didn't seem happy about it (it was just 3 years since we've become lovers after all) and I wasn't either. what made him, the most possessive creature in all of the worlds, to want to send me away to an overnight, summer long I may add, training camp for demigods?

"why?" I ask. it seemed the best way to get answered at this point. I hear him sigh again, he should stop that, it makes him less pretty.

"Bochan, as much as I'd loath to send you away from me.." his grip tightened at that. "It has come to my attention that it is dangerous like this, and not to mention, lots of extra work." I had to stifle a chuckle (not a giggle no mater what Sebastian says.) at that, because just 30 years prior to the current date, Sebastian wouldn't have said anything but the 'extra work' bit.

"All right." I say. "but you have to come with me, do the rest of your duties, hire extra servants to take care of the mansion while we're gone, set up extra security everywhere, keep me up to date with my paperwork and public events, and keep up with tutoring me in the ways of demons and how to control my powers." he merely smiles at all of my commands and bows, one hand on his heart, and says "Yes, my lord." before disappearing to do as he was told. hey, he may be my lover but he's still my butler.

I walk alone in our maze of a garden, wishing I had something to cuddle with, when Sebastian appeared behind me and nearly gave me a heart attack. he hands me the files of the new workers he's hiring, a note from the camp director saying we would be welcome anytime and that he would be prepared for us, a news paper, and he held my suitcase in his arms. "shall we go then?" I ask, only to be picked up, kissed, and carried into the awaiting limo. I'm starting to feel nervous before I squish my nerves, lie down in Sebastian's lap, and let the long drive to long island begin.

I wonder how they'd treat a 111 year old son of Hades.


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298 Reviews


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Mon Dec 21, 2015 8:30 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Hello! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!

First of all, there are a LOT of capitalization errors here that you should really REALLY fix.
Also, this line:
'I suppose I should be surprised, but 111 of being a demigod can certainly ruin that much.'
was kind of confusing because of the 111 part. 111 what?

Also, you should have probably expanded the fighting at the start a bit more. I had a hard time picturing the beginning and I wasn't 100% sure what was happening for a while after that. I mean, it's good, but it kind of needs some work.

I really like the twist with Ciel being the demigod son of Hades. Really cool and really great idea.

That's all from me! Have a good whatever-time-of-day-it-is! :)
~Holographic Ladybug




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 5:01 pm
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi UnorthodoxDreamer,have a good day,so here is Dark to give review on your story.

A Little Demon at Camp part 1-->The title caught my eyes here.

I see your story and the messages you want to convey here.It is actually an interesting story.Just need some improvement.

A bit comment about words usage?Hope you don't mind ;)
#'.. because just 30 years prior to* the current date, Sebastian wouldn't have said anything but the 'extra work' bit.'
Avoid "prior to"

Clichés are phrases used so much they lose their original power. Try revising the meaning of this phrase using your own words. It will make a stronger impact on your reader.

Some part,you need to fix the grammar.But I still like the way you write here.Keep it up!
kudos,cheers
dark



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thanks. thank you for the advice as well. i will try to not be as cliche in the future.



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Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:27 am
BigBook says...



Hi.
You have talent, i'll give you that, but the "111" line is too confusing. It's good you cleared that up in the end, but you have to work on capitalizing the first words in your sentences. The story looks great and has lots of potential. Good work!



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i know, my grammar sucks and I don't prof read even though I should. thank you for the feed the feedback, though!



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Wed Sep 18, 2013 9:46 pm
IntellectualBacon wrote a review...



Firstly, I saw "I suppose I should be surprised, but 111 of being a demigod can certainly ruin that much." What is "111"? 111 years old, 111 singing donkeys, 111 what?

Secondly, while you were free of other grammatical errors, I saw a lot of capitalization mistakes.

I found another confusing sentence in "what made him, the most possessive creature in all of the worlds, to want to send me away to an overnight, summer long I may add, training camp for demigods?"
I feel this sentence would be more fluent if you wrote: "What made him - the most possessive creature in all of the worlds - to want to send me away to an overnight, summer long camp? Which was also a training camp for demigods, I might add."

I'm not really "big" on fanfiction, but I do like Percy Jackson and Harry Potter add-ons by the community. However, with the setup you provide here, I'm not sure where you could go next.

Anyway, hope this helps!

-Bacon




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Wed Sep 18, 2013 7:33 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



What does this sentence mean? "I suppose I should be surprised, but 111 of being a demigod can certainly ruin that much". The 111 makes no sense, grammatical or otherwise. "111" of what?
You had a ton of things that need to be capitalized. Example: "he leans in and whispers, so as not to hurt my ears, "Maybe we should take you to that camp after all."" That "he" needs to be capitalized. Please check that and other paragraphs for like errors.

As far as the fanfic goes, I'm not a huge fan of the fanfic genre, and I'm definitely not "digging" [pun intended] this story. I wish you had more description, but at the same time I don't like yaoi and so could have done with even less description than you gave in that regards (translation: if that were my writing, it wouldn't have been yaoi. However, that's me and not you).
Biggest question: where in the world did the demon come from, and how did a demigod become a demon too? That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever based on all the canonical literature for this fanfic. Please kindly elaborate.

Hope this helps!



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the 111 was a huge mistake. i missed a word when typing. its supposed to say "111 years" and i missed 'years'

i also forgot to proofread so i apologize for all of the capitalization, grammar, and spelling errors.

i made this so that it'd match with the end of the second season of "Black Butler" the anime, not the manga. the whole back story is there. as for the rest of your questions, they will be answered in future 'Parts' that have yet to be written. you forget that this is only part 1.





ah, I see. that's an entirely different series than what I thought it was. Have you read Percy Jackson? If you have, then you can hopefully understand why I'd mistake this for a fanfic set in that universe.




Books give a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything
— Plato