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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

The Hulk Over Driehel

by Photomajig


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Captain Seuche Maratan strode across the deck of the Swan as destructive magic ripped her beloved ship apart below her. Black flames rippled around her, flung witch-fire from the portalrigger slamming into the wards in the hull. The bastards had put themselves between Seuche and their contested prize, the vast drifting hulk bearing the heraldry of the Silent Lady. It wasn't salvage she'd usually have gone after due to the innate dangers – though there were worse ways to go than in the hands of the Sisters of Mercy – but this time the lure of treasure had been too strong. Unfortunately, the pirate vessel had gotten there before them.

'Put your backs to it!' Seuche shouted over the roar of battle, offering a hand to a fallen crewmember.

He stood up just in time for a bolt of lightning to strike the unfortunate deckhand in the back and leap out from his chest, leaving a garish, steaming hole in his torso. Seuche winced, stepping back and shaking her hand in a vain attempt to get the blood off it.

'Damnit,' she said. Something on the upper deck had caught her eye. 'Carsyn! Carsyn, where are you going with that? Is that my kraken's eye?'

The diminutive gunner had the time to look sheepish. Straining his voice, he called back down; 'To the sanctum, ma'am! The mages think they can use it as a focus, ma'am!'

'Well... carry on, then. Make sure they don't break it, Carsyn! This is your skin on the line!'

'Yes, ma'am,' the man said, giving a slight smile. Behind him, the solar sail flickered and died, taking the mast with it. Panicked shouting erupted as it crashed straight through the deck.

Seuche glanced right through the rain of magic towards the portalrigger. It was a big, bulky thing, armed with an assortment of cannons - along their usual magicians - they'd probably bought from the British at Hychis. Their own counter-fire wasn't having much of an effect, wards absorbing their magic and the sheer range their mundane weapons. She could see its crew leering over the railings, perfectly safe from harm.

They were battling above an enormous world-tree of blinding gold, called Dryhil or Driehel, or something similar. She could make out invididual cities amongst its roots and hanging from its branches like leaves as it floated in the void. She hoped they would avoid most of the collateral damage and falling wreckage.

As another blast tore into the lower decks, Seuche decided to get a move on. She headed for the gunners' hole embedded in the deck.

'Captain!' she heard a familiar voice call before she got there. Ess, her first mate, appeared at her side, her almost black skin contrasting with her own lighter blue. Her lower right arm hung uselessly on her side, her other arms still tying down a makeshift bandage. Mahandi were gifted with an exceptional capability to multitask with their arms.

'What is it, Ess?'

'Captain, we can't win this one. I think it's time we cut our losses and ran, captain,' Ess said. She sounded utterly dejected. Seuche knew she right, but damned if it felt wrong to abandon their prize after all this.

'I know. I give the order. Get to the sail and see if you can get it back up. We're not going anywhere until that thing is fixed.'

Ess acknowledged the order and saluted. Seuche watched her go, ignoring the hull-rattling hits smashing into the deck only a few meters from her. The Swan had taken quite a beating, but she wasn't done yet. She couldn't truthfully say the ship had been through worse, though.

'Ma'am! Hold on! The mages are going to give the bastards hell!' Carsyn shouted again from the upper deck, snapping Seuche out of her stupor. 'The kraken's eye worked!'

'Is it in one piece?'

'Err...' Carsyn said, glancing back. 'Not a scratch, ma'am!'

Seuche nodded absentmindedly. Above her, a reality storm was forming, the void rippling and twisting as enormous magical forces threatened to pull it apart. It was a similar effect to whenever the Swan performed a shatterjump, except that then they went all the way. The mages really had to be preparing for something big. She felt the temperature cascading down, frost appearing on the railing. On the last moment, she thought to hold onto it.

The blast of released energy reveberated throughout the ship, shattering any remaining wards and bending and cracking wood and metal. She felt the deck disappear beneath her feet and grasped for a hold of the railing with all her arms.

Seuche glanced up just in time to see the blast strike. Streaking across the void, it danced forward with erratic movements like an enormous bolt of lightning, white-hot witch-fire fixed squarely on the pirate ship.

The impact was cataclysmic. The world went white for a long moment, all other sound apart from the slow, all-pervading noise of reality shaking disappearing. Then, slowly, gradually, the world returned.

The portalrigger was unharmed.

'You have gotta be kidding me,' Seuche muttered, blinking hard. As she watched, the wards on the enemy ship that had been knocked out in the strike flickered back on.

Atleast they weren't firing. That gave them time to run.

'Alright, everybody, get her moving! We better be out of range by the time they come back to their senses!' Seuche shouted. All movement on the deck had drawn to a halt following the blast, except where actual fires were burning or emergency repairs needed to be made. Following her command, they snapped to action. The Captain smiled. They were a good crew.

Ess soon reported in the solar sail was back in some semblance of working order. The Swan began picking up in speed again, turning sharply away from the portalrigger and the hulk behind it. Seuche marched around, directing repairs and navigation magics, not breathing a sigh of relief until they were guaranteed to be out of range. It was just in time, too – she saw the portalrigger light up and begin moving fast towards the hulk. That was it, the prize was lost.

'Captain, the mages report another reality breach near the hulk!' Ess suddenly shouted, appearing from the sanctum entrance. 'They think they may have attracted something here!'

'What do you mean, 'somethi-'' Seuche started to ask, but the next few minutes effectively shut her up.

The blast had twisted and shaken reality. This was nothing like that. With an explosion of raw magic, the void behind the hulk erupted in white lightning, the blackness seeming to bulge and strain against unseen barriers. In a few seconds, the lightning had spread, sweeping into every direction to cover dozens of kilometres of space. This time, Seuche was smart enough to hold on before it happened.

In the span of an eyeblink, all color and sound fled from the world. She felt an indecipherable coldness inside, a feeling of wrongness, of being somewhere she shouldn't be.

Then the void predator ripped through the fragile fabric of reality.

Later on, she would find it difficult to describe the thing. It was almost perfectly the size of the rift, a bloated mass of white and grey with all too many mouths. But at that moment, she could see it in all its glory.

Without a moment's pause, the immensely vast creature surged from whatever hellish dimension had spawned it and swept its meteor-scarred beak open to swallow hole both the distant hulk and the portalrigger. There was a resounding boom as the beak shut close, the creature showing no signs of slowing down.

Seuche didn't need to tell her crew to get the hell away. They did it on their own, in perfect silence.

Eventually, passing the world-tree only by a few kilometres, the void predator drew to a halt. Hundreds of eyes began closing, if eyes they were, and all movement on its body slowed down.

'Well,' Ess said after what felt like an eternity, breaking the silence. 'Atleast they didn't get the hulk, right?'

Seuche didn't reply. Her mind was racing as her eyes studied the abomination's behavior.

'Ess,' she breathed, trying not to let excitement creep into her voice, 'correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it look to you that thing is getting a bit tired right now?'

'I think so, Captain. The way the mages tell it, big beasties like these go to a very, very deep sleep after devouring their prey. Something about difficulty with adjusting to a new reality. I'd guess that's what it's doing, though you'd have to ask them if...' Ess trailed off. 'Oh, Captain, you can't be thinking th-'

'That may very well be what I'm thinking, Ess,' she said. Raising her voice to be heard everywhere on the ship, she continued. 'Men! Don't count that hulk out of our grasp just yet! I think I have a plan!'

---

A few minutes later and a half-hearted show of disagreement later, the Swan began drifting towards the gigantic sleeping monstrosity - and the treasure in its stomach.


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:58 pm
skorlir wrote a review...



Take with salt; mind the edges.

Captain Seuche Maratan strode across the deck of the Swan as destructive magic ripped her beloved ship apart below her.


Seuche is a ridiculous name; attempt to name with meaning and humanity. The name Seuche sounds like a combination of "soot" and "[expletive]" when I attempt to pronounce it. That's not a great image.

Altogether the scene is nondescript, albeit fascinating. You introduce a formless starship, the Swan, being destroyed by formless "destructive magic..." Describe the scene. This is just ink blots.

Black flames rippled around her, flung witch-fire from the portalrigger slamming into the wards in the hull.


Fix verb confusion: "witch-fire flung from the portalrigger..."; What is a portalrigger?; where is "the wards" and why are they in the hull - should not they be within the hull, meaning that the flame slams into the hull outside the wards? I assume wards means living quarters - and so the captain is near the living quarters. And why is the captain in the living quarters during an attack?

The bastards had put themselves between Seuche and their contested prize, the vast*,* drifting hulk bearing the heraldry of the Silent Lady.


Antecedent confusion - are "the bastards" contesting "their prize" among themselves? Suggestion: "The bastards... and the prize: the vast..." so forth.
Is the hulk the Silent Lady, or does it herald said Lady? It bears markings which seemingly could suggest either.

It wasn't salvage she'd usually have gone after due to the innate dangers – though there were worse ways to go than in the hands of the Sisters of Mercy – but this time the lure of treasure had been too strong. Unfortunately, the pirate vessel had gotten there before them.


Poor sentence structure (in red): "It was dangerous salvage she would not usually pursue" serves better, is clearer.
Who are the Sisters of Mercy?
"This time"; so it is we happen upon a salvaging scoundrel captain; a picaresque beginning.

'Put your backs to it!' Seuche shouted over the roar of battle, offering a hand to a fallen crewmember.


Is the hull breached? Why is there a roar? Since when are there crewmates?

He stood up just in time for a bolt of lightning to strike the unfortunate deckhand in the back and leap out from his chest, leaving a garish, steaming hole in his torso. Seuche winced, stepping back and shaking her hand in a vain attempt to get the blood off it.


Strong imagery. But whence the lightning cometh, O Muse of Zeus? And where is it falling? What is going on? Where's the combatant ship? What does it look like? Is it above? Aft? Fore? Where does the magic come from? Guns? Witches? Flying broomsticks from Fantasia?

To the reader, all the action takes place in scattered black backdrops - I could as easily be in the Pillars of Autumn as the Firefly, and proprioceptive tumult follows this lack of setting. Add scenic detail. Especially with a starship - I have no context for the interior, exterior, lighting, or architecture of such a thing. You must provide these things.

'Damnit,' she said. Something on the upper deck had caught her eye. 'Carsyn! Carsyn, where are you going with that? Is that my kraken's eye?'


Another strange name. What is a "Kraken's Eye?" What does it look like? It is a weapon, I assume?

The diminutive gunner had the time to look sheepish.


How does he have time? Poor word choice. He took pause to look sheepish; in the midst of battle, it is confounding to suggest anyone has time for anything but survival. Diminutive, however, is excellent diction.

Straining his voice, he called back down; 'To the sanctum, ma'am! The mages think they can use it as a focus, ma'am!'


A focus for what? What is it? What is the sanctum? Where is Carsyn standing? A catwalk over the Wards which leads to the Sanctum which may or may not also somehow be in proximity to the bridge, where the captain ought to be?

I am ready to commit to my verdict.

Describe the scene, characters, weaponry. Give context to the shapeless forms. The reader abhors proper nouns - what are they? What do they look like? What is the context?

Your verb use is pretty good, your structure is so-so - which is easy to fix - but I cannot continue reading when everything takes place in an amorphous mist - it is like the scene is described to me and I have cataracts. I am blind. Provide sight.

Redraw, rewrite, improve, and I would love to see this again. I am much a fan of scifi.

~Skorlir




Photomajig says...


Appreciate the review. Not gonna reply to everything, but; I understand the blindness, though I myself have a fondness for 'vaguely worldbuilding' and allowing the reader to fill in the blanks. It's the joy of imagination - but I can see that maybe the scene is not painted vividly enough for that.

In a full-scale story, all (well, most) of these things would be explained and described in due course, unfolding naturally as the story progresses. This was more of a practice in an action-ey scene.

I'm surprised that you aren't familiar with 'the roar of battle' which is commonly used phrase, though. Or maybe I misunderstand here. And a kraken's eye is just that - if you are familiar with what a kraken might be, you can probably imagine a kraken's eye. Why it is a focus, what is a focus, etc, are indeed good questions, though.



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Sun Sep 22, 2013 5:34 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



All right, technical first. Several times, you have "alright" and "atleast" instead of "all right" and "at least". Those should be fixed. " swept its meteor-scarred beak open to swallow hole both the distant hulk", the "hole" there should be "whole". And what does "'correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it look to you that thing" mean? That last half of the sentence doesn't make any sense. You omitted something there.

For the actual world itself, a few comments. First of all, your shatterjumping is an already well-established concept known as slipstream space or slipspace (depending on the sci-fi universe), so if you used the "proper" terminology it might help readers identify what you're talking about a little sooner. The same goes for all your other reality-bending terms. It can get a little confusing for readers if you're not careful. If you want to keep the terms, then just make sure you clearly explain what each does.

And question: if there's a giant tree made of gold underneath them, why are they fighting over some Podunk little treasure (in comparison)? What makes that treasure so special?

Hope this helps!




Photomajig says...


Well, it seems I somehow misplaced the latter half of that sentence. It's supposed to be about 'void predators going to very, very deep sleep after entering another realm blah blah', but I'm not sure where it went... ah well.

I certainly don't have any intention of changing the terms (as a note, 'shatterjump' comes as their travel can have very negative effects on the worlds they travel through, effectively 'shattering' reality), but yes, in a wider story they would be explained. I'm glad you got what it meant regardless.

The world-tree is not literally made of gold, but even if it was, it's a bit tricky to haul that anywhere. The locals might not be very amenable to that either.

Thanks for the review!



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Wed Sep 18, 2013 2:12 am
wildwildcat wrote a review...



This story started off fun, and the adding of magic only added to that. (Boy do I love magic!)
I have one nitpick that stood out:
"They were battling above an enormous world-tree of blinding gold, called Dryhil or Driehel, or something similar. She could make out invididual cities amongst its roots and hanging from its branches like leaves as it floated in the void. She hoped they would avoid most of the collateral damage and falling wreckage."
Perhaps using Seuche's name in there could make it easier to see who's thinking. I thought Driehel was, at first.
All in all, an interesting plotline, but many things are unanswered. How does this magic system work. Shatterjump? Is magic an everyday occurence? World-tree?
I hope you continue this, and writing in general!
~wildwildcat





grammar is hard and i dislike it immensely
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