Take with salt; mind the edges.
Captain Seuche Maratan strode across the deck of the Swan as destructive magic ripped her beloved ship apart below her.
Seuche is a ridiculous name; attempt to name with meaning and humanity. The name Seuche sounds like a combination of "soot" and "[expletive]" when I attempt to pronounce it. That's not a great image.
Altogether the scene is nondescript, albeit fascinating. You introduce a formless starship, the Swan, being destroyed by formless "destructive magic..." Describe the scene. This is just ink blots.
Black flames rippled around her, flung witch-fire from the portalrigger slamming into the wards in the hull.
Fix verb confusion: "witch-fire flung from the portalrigger..."; What is a portalrigger?; where is "the wards" and why are they in the hull - should not they be within the hull, meaning that the flame slams into the hull outside the wards? I assume wards means living quarters - and so the captain is near the living quarters. And why is the captain in the living quarters during an attack?
The bastards had put themselves between Seuche and their contested prize, the vast*,* drifting hulk bearing the heraldry of the Silent Lady.
Antecedent confusion - are "the bastards" contesting "their prize" among themselves? Suggestion: "The bastards... and the prize: the vast..." so forth.
Is the hulk the Silent Lady, or does it herald said Lady? It bears markings which seemingly could suggest either.
It wasn't salvage she'd usually have gone after due to the innate dangers – though there were worse ways to go than in the hands of the Sisters of Mercy – but this time the lure of treasure had been too strong. Unfortunately, the pirate vessel had gotten there before them.
Poor sentence structure (in red): "It was dangerous salvage she would not usually pursue" serves better, is clearer.
Who are the Sisters of Mercy?
"This time"; so it is we happen upon a salvaging scoundrel captain; a picaresque beginning.
'Put your backs to it!' Seuche shouted over the roar of battle, offering a hand to a fallen crewmember.
Is the hull breached? Why is there a roar? Since when are there crewmates?
He stood up just in time for a bolt of lightning to strike the unfortunate deckhand in the back and leap out from his chest, leaving a garish, steaming hole in his torso. Seuche winced, stepping back and shaking her hand in a vain attempt to get the blood off it.
Strong imagery. But whence the lightning cometh, O Muse of Zeus? And where is it falling? What is going on? Where's the combatant ship? What does it look like? Is it above? Aft? Fore? Where does the magic come from? Guns? Witches? Flying broomsticks from Fantasia?
To the reader, all the action takes place in scattered black backdrops - I could as easily be in the Pillars of Autumn as the Firefly, and proprioceptive tumult follows this lack of setting. Add scenic detail. Especially with a starship - I have no context for the interior, exterior, lighting, or architecture of such a thing. You must provide these things.
'Damnit,' she said. Something on the upper deck had caught her eye. 'Carsyn! Carsyn, where are you going with that? Is that my kraken's eye?'
Another strange name. What is a "Kraken's Eye?" What does it look like? It is a weapon, I assume?
The diminutive gunner had the time to look sheepish.
How does he have time? Poor word choice. He took pause to look sheepish; in the midst of battle, it is confounding to suggest anyone has time for anything but survival. Diminutive, however, is excellent diction.
Straining his voice, he called back down; 'To the sanctum, ma'am! The mages think they can use it as a focus, ma'am!'
A focus for what? What is it? What is the sanctum? Where is Carsyn standing? A catwalk over the Wards which leads to the Sanctum which may or may not also somehow be in proximity to the bridge, where the captain ought to be?
I am ready to commit to my verdict.
Describe the scene, characters, weaponry. Give context to the shapeless forms. The reader abhors proper nouns - what are they? What do they look like? What is the context?
Your verb use is pretty good, your structure is so-so - which is easy to fix - but I cannot continue reading when everything takes place in an amorphous mist - it is like the scene is described to me and I have cataracts. I am blind. Provide sight.
Redraw, rewrite, improve, and I would love to see this again. I am much a fan of scifi.
~Skorlir
Points: 1115
Reviews: 83
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