z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

The Life of an Assassin - Ch. 2

by IntellectualBacon


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

CHAPTER TWO: MELISSA

This day was not going according to plan for Melissa Belfield. She woke up late, just to experience a horrible hangover that made her retch up anything she may have eaten, ever. After the vile contents finally finished spilling out, she flushed them away, and took notice of her surroundings.

The nice pale coloring of the whole room was very soothing, and it was reflected in just everything, from the walls, to the faded honey carpets, and sleek curtains dimming the sunshine from wall-length windows in the corner of the room. Letting her eyes flit around the chestnut wood of furniture, Melissa saw a wide array of photographs containing a young man with copper hair and ambitious eyes in various stages; drunk, well-groomed, and drunker.

It was just then that she two things popped into her head. One, she didn't know that man. Two, this wasn't her house.

In the midst of realizing she was late for work, exhausted, and nursing a mystery hangover due to who knows what happened last night, Melissa perceived that the room she was in was not hers.

Was she hallucinating? Or possibly dreaming? Pinching herself, and yelping from the unexpected twinge of it, Belfield concluded that she was not. But what to do now, in reality? She racked her brains for something to grasp at, but confusion and loss of memory confined her to simply checking the area she'd woken up in. It wasn't exactly a stellar start for someone so addicted to "Detective Bronson" TV Thursdays, but it'd have to do.

Tangled bedding upon a rickety yet soft bed awaited her. Amongst the mess she found a variety of clothes - male and female. Tripping upon sheets and garments on the ground to get a closer look, she stubbed her toe in the mess of it, causing Melissa to look down to examine her wound. It was only then that Melissa grasped that those clothes were most likely hers, though they weren't quite on her. Simply put, she was absolutely stark naked.

Cursing at her stupidity for getting involved in this situation and failing to see it sooner, Melissa quickly started pulling clothes on as mental pieces fell into place. Obviously, she had been drunk as hell in some pub somewhere. She'd then picked up some bar trash, gone back to his place just before her huge conference at work, and screwed him for all it was worth, by the looks of the bed.

After getting her plum sweater on, Melissa got a whiff of the cotton. It nearly made her run right back to the bathroom to heave up some more.

Besides the smell of a typical bar bathroom, body odor, and other fluids that resulted from last night, Melissa concluded that it was safe to say she smelled worse than a dumpster. There was no way she was wearing this, late or not. If she was already tardy, why not spend a few more minutes making sure she didn't look like a disgruntled stripper?

She tentatively opened the bedroom door to find herself in a considerably smaller kitchen, which gave her even more reason to breathe through her mouth. Upon a not-so-white table in the middle lay her bag and a note most likely from last night's Prince Charming. Scanning the scrawling mess of handwriting, Melissa deciphered a hastily written message:

Babe,

I got to go to work. Sorry for the short notice. I didn't have time for much or to write much, so do what you want, I guess. Your bag's on the table, your stuff's probably in it, and your car's outside. I think you mentioned you got work today, too, so I hope you don't find this that late.

When I come home, I hope I'll see your dirty little face again, baby, but if you gotta go, that's alright with me. Call me, sugar: 1-523-443-1606

Bryan "Sexy Bear" Montiago

Gagging in disgust at her decision to go to town with this guy, Melissa crumpled up the note and shoved it into her bag, all the while navigating the flat as best as she could. At last she found the front door, and slammed it behind her. Thankfully, her car was undamaged, parked on the curb of a line of shoddy brick apartments. Digging in her mess of a bag, she found her keys, and floored it, racing back to her apartment. Once there, she changed like lightning, and was soon on her way back to the massive empire of the Harvey Stock Market, hoping and praying that she wasn't that late.


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122 Reviews


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Reviews: 122

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Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:49 pm
umaima wrote a review...



Hey :D

Awesome Awesome story here! I loved it, and above all felt like it was something which would end very nicely!

Now starting the serious reviewing, Let's start from the plot, shall we?

I couldn't quite get a lot about it because you see I haven't read the first chapter but this chapter kinda made me think that the story is worth reading. And strong enough to make this story a hit! So it's a job well done there.

Secondly, I thought your characters names were different. Now when it comes to writing a novel there are some seriously famous names you can see almost in each of those you read and it gets annoying in the end and confusing too if you are reading 2-3 novels in the same week without ending one.

Thirdly, I felt the formatting was perfect. Now if the formatting isn't good then the reader loses interest so I will surely appreciate the formatting here! Though the lesser the lines in the paragraph the better!

Fourth, I liked how there weren't many grammar and punctuation mistakes.

Fifth, new story, new idea. What else can be better? :D

Umaima






Thanks for the critique, glad I could interest you!

-Bacon



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347 Reviews


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:43 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello! I've come to be more nosey for Team Rouge and this amazing review day! I will provide you with a delightful review sandwich in just a jiffy :)

First things first, the things I liked;

I have been nagging away all day about sentence openers and you, my friend are a breath of fresh air! It's so nice to see you starting with adverbs and prepositions! Makes me more inclined to read more of your work because it's interesting with a capital 'I'.

“It was just then that she two things popped into her head. One, she didn't know that man. Two, this wasn't her house.” - Love these lines. You've done a great job of describing the scene to us and now you're adding the little touches of mystery and suspense.

And now onto constructive criticism;

I would just take a look at your last paragraph and think about splitting it into smaller paragraphs. Other than this, it's perfect! No spelling or grammar mistakes that I can see. -claps-

Good luck & keep writing!

Olive <3






Thank you for the revisions! I always find that I do an average job of proofreading, at best.

-Bacon



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:44 am
AmethystNight wrote a review...



This is a good piece with a great sense of the character and where the story is going. Your description is brilliant and really sets the scene. Here are a few things you might want to look over to improve the piece a little.

her retch up anything she may have eaten - ever.

The hyphen strikes me as a little bit odd here and, personally, I think that a comma would work better.
and even more drunk.

This should really be 'drunker'.
Racking her brains for anything to start with when you've lost your memory and confused, she decided to check the area she'd woken up in.

This sentence is very confusing and I'm really not sure what you meant to say. Look it over again, decide what it is you are trying to get across to the reader and then write your sentence.
Amongst the mess she found a variety of clothes - male and female.

Here I'd make it 'male's and female's' because, as it is, it sounds a little like the clothing has a gender.
Cursing at her stupidity - for getting involved in this situation and failing to see it sooner - Melissa quickly started pulling clothes on as mental pieces fell into place.

The hyphens in this sentence are unnecessary. You only need a comma after 'sooner', which would make this a lovely complex sentence.
Obviously, she was drunk as hell in some pub somewhere.

Now, it sounds like you're saying she's drunk at this moment in time when what you mean is that she was drunk last night. Because you've switched to talking about something that happened further in the past you should use what is called the pluperfect tense, 'I had done', 'I had gone', etc. Here, this would be, 'I had been drunk...'
If you have a look at some of the things I've mentioned and just give this another quick read through, it will be a fantastic piece. Great job. Keep up the great writing.






Thank you so much for your criticism! I'll start revising these sentences right away.

-Bacon



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Tue Sep 24, 2013 2:23 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

So, this was the only awkward sentence in the piece. " Digging in her mess of a bag, she found her keys, and floored it (as inconspiciously as she could, of course), she raced back to her apartment". I would try to separate this up a bit.
And I'd perhaps up the rating to 16. I know you don't go into a ton of detail, but it just felt a little too close to descriptive for my tastes.

You do a good job of descriptions, and unlike the first chapter section this felt more realistic. I'm looking forward to seeing more like this in the future. Keep it up.

Hope this helps!






Thanks so much for the review! I love critiques. And yes, that sounded hella sarcastic, but I mean it. Also, I'll change the rating.

-Bacon



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Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:39 am



Sorry, I know this kinda varies from the original one, but they connect eventually. I originally wanted to make Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 to help relate Sam and Melissa, but it just got too long, so I'll try to make Chapter 3 quickly to wrap it up.

Enjoy!

-Bacon





It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela