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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Part One Edited

by RainbowPowerPonies, Dragofriend1234


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Drago rolled into the room and snuck up on Krystal.

"Dude not cool, don't sneak up on me like that." Krystal scollded staring Drago down.

"Lol. Fine." Drago laughed, smiling.

Krystal looked at Drago doubtfully "Promise?"

"I promise your eminence." Drago said. Then she cracked up.

"I'm going inside, don't come... please" Krystal said before she walked into the house alone.

    Drago jumped into a tree above a training dummy. She dropped down and chopped the head off it. "I lose more training dummies that way." She said.

Krystal moved up the stairs and looked down at the living room below, gave a sigh and locked herself in her room.

"Stop locking yourself in your room. I swear next time I find a Battering Ram I'm breaking into that room." said Drago.

"Oh back off, you lock youreself in your room at your house all the time."

"I'm paranoid that's different." Drago said. Looking out the window for the fifty milionth time that afternoon.

"Oh please, there's no difference." Krystal said her voice getting more quiet with every word. She opened her window and sat on the edge of it looking out at the night sky, She inched forward and let herself fall from the two story window. As she aproched the ground she foucused her positive energy on one place, that was the ground. When she would have hit the ground hard instead she landed gracefully on a cushion of pure air. Her magic was in progress but it was getting better every day.

Drago jumped back into the tree and then onto the roof of the house. She pulled out her grapple gun.

Krystal quickly hid in the bushes that had been planted by the back of the house then looked up at the sky once again.

"I know you're in the bushes and frankly I don't care. I've got a gang to bust." Drago said putting on her gangbuster jacket.

"I'm hiding idiot so just let me lay low" Krystal said irritated. She jumped up into a tree and hid there for a few minutes before moving on using her elemental magic. She was currently scheduled to meet her teacher by the park for more training but wasn't moving towards the pond that he stood by instead she teleported into the car and whistled to signal him.

Drago met her team at the ice cream shop close to the gang's base. "Alright team let's review. I sneak in and dispose of the guards then on my signal you open up the door and open fire." she said to her team. They nodded. "Let's do this!" She shouted.

The cherry red sportscar glided down the street catching a few puzzled glances here and there. But after a few boosts from Algepeto's powers the two got to their destination like lightning.

Drago took off her glasses. Her eyes went walled like normal. She snuck into enemy headquarters. Then disposed of the guards, just as planned. She pulled out her walkie. "Coast is clear bust it up." She said. The others jumped in while Drago rolled into the gang's meeting. "Here's Drago." She said.

Krystal dissapeared into a white medium sized building, Algepeto right behind her. "Algepeto come see this." She whispered looking over at him making her eyes shift towards him slightly but before he could look she was inside the building walking on the ceiling above a group of vampires dressed like teenagers.

Drago started the attack. The mobsters were not prepared for her martial arts skills.

    Krystal pounced upon one of the vampires and disappered back up to the ceiling to retreat before the vampires saw her. Then landing gracefully back on the ground without a sound blindfolding all of them and tying them to a pilar in the middle of the room.

"You bastards weren't expecting this shit were you. Wall eyed chick gonna beat the shit outta your sorry asses." Drago taunted.

"Algepeto?" Krystal turned around and saw him smiling at her from the top of the building. "Dont do that!"

 "Oh come on I was tying my shoelace, I could've triped!" He protested jokingly and walked down the wall and said "see, now my shoelace is tied, let's go."

Drago punched one of the mobsters in the face. She kicked one in the balls and threw him into a wall.

Krystal slipped into the great hall where the Grand Mages of Nightingale sat looking down from their towering chairs. "You have grown much Krystal Phionex but your training isn't over yet." Theseous told her, seeing Algepeto at her side. He frowned not amused at all by the pair's attire of jeans and leather jackets.

"This is the most fun I've had in some time." said Drago.

"Grand Mages I apoligize for me and Phionex's clothing, there was no time to change for the meeting." The youngest of the high court rose and said "We received word that a gang of Dark Mages are out in the streets your asignment, Krystal, is to stop them." The middle athority stood when the younger sat once again, "This is serious if you fail the world is over," "Do you understand us?!" The oldest of the Mages asked in a low serious voice, " Yes sir!" Krystal and Algepeto replied in unison. They started to leave the room when the eldest called them back "Algepeto this is Phionex's asignment your staying behind." "You can't do this to her she just 15! She's only started her training and-" "and she's perfectly capable of this mission." Theseous argued.

"No disrespect Grand Mage but she ISN'T ready and-" Algepeto started

"I can talk for myself, Algepeto, Grand Mages, with all due respect and more for my masters I suggest you allow Algepeto to accompany me on my mission. If it is so critical let me have my companions there to assist me." Krystal said carefully 

"Well... if you insist." Theseous gave way.

"Thank you master." Krystal knelt before the Grand Mage and held in the giggles. When they were outside she let the laughter fall out. 

"Let's go Drago."

"What's the "ever pressing" matter of "extreme importance"?"

"Oh, you mean my mission" Krystal giggled

"Yeah" said Drago a smirk tilted on it's side.

"Stop the assholes. Report back. Kill the Master. Party like a bitch." "You know, the usual" 

Drago couldn't stop herself from laughing. "Yeah..." she giggled "The usual!" she smirked her usual smirk as the three of them got in the sports car and drove away. 


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Sat Jul 25, 2015 8:47 pm
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mephistophelesangel wrote a review...



Hey RPP!

I gotta say, this was a very interesting piece of work. Full of action and awesome characters. I especially liked Krystal and her dialogues. I would like to comment on the flow of the story, a bit of technical error and all that, but please don't let anything make you believe that you are not a good writer. I see a lot of potential in how you write, and I would not want to see it lost.

First of all, I think that the plot flew by a little too fast. I'm not saying that it's a really bad thing; it's just that I would have appreciated some juicy details. Such as; what do the characters look like? I know that listing off a character's physical attributes like a shopping list is not a good thing to do, but it's also great if you just give hints of it here and there.

Also, last thing on plot; as I read, I was kind of introduced with places and attributes, then wasn't given any more details. For example, I had no idea that Krystal was a secret agent or something until you told me that. (although that is pretty cool!)

Okay, the technical things will be pretty short, I think. So here it is :

The dialogue. You missed a couple of commas here and there, like;

["Oh, you mean my mission"]

That would require a comma at the end.

One other thing, right here :

["Stop the assholes. Report back. Kill the Master. Party like a bitch." "You know, the usual" ]

I'm assuming that the two dialogues are meant to be from one person? If so, they should probably be merged together.

Overall, I liked it! I would love to help you with a title, but I just suck at making those, so I'll leave that to the author :)

Keep on writing, Mephis






Thank you, I wanted to clear up that further on the details get more intense, the idea of the first chapter is to introduce you to the characters personalities and their relations to each other. Try for a name any suggestions help :). Lastly I wanted to tell you that Krystal is my character and Drago is Dragofriend1234's character in our RP





You're welcome! You did a nice job with the introductions and relations :)





Thank you so much, I wanted to ask you if you would like to be another character in our story?





Sure, that'd be awesome!





:D sure just tell me a time that's good for you 2morow



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Tue Apr 07, 2015 1:59 pm



Hey everyone! @OliveDreams @Tenyo @dragonfphoenix @blacknwhiteeagle100 @mephistophelesangfel and @AdrianMoon
I'm continuing with this. @Dragofriend1234 may or may not be continuing it with me though. I will go through and edit all errors. Please be patient with me. If anyone wants to help me, feel free to PM me.




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Tue Apr 07, 2015 1:59 pm



Thank you, everyone, for the help.




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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:55 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello there Crystal.

I know you are no longer participating in the review day proceedings but I see there no reason why you shouldn't receive some first class reviews. I will make you a lovely sandwich!

First things first, the things I liked;

I like the relationship that you've created between your two main characters. It feels warm and natural. Drago is also very interesting.
And now for the constructive criticism;

I get the impression that this is more of a script than a novel? If so, then you need to set it out accordingly. You almost have stage directions and it doesn't read like a literary description. It was distracting and hard to read.

“Krystal looks at Drago doubtfully "Promise?"

"I promise your eminence." Drago said. Then she cracked up.” - You are switching between past and present tense. You need to decide which one you find more comfortable to write with and stick to your guns.

A lot more description and explanation will go a long way with this piece of work!

Good luck!

Olive <3






Me and my co-author did this soooooooooooooo there are a few mistakes. Thanks though





I rejoined review day a while back because of this review :)



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Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:06 am
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Tenyo says...



Hey Crystal! Two minute review!

Sentence structure:
"Jumps into tree above training dummy." Who jumps? It may seem obvious to you but not to your reader, so you should try to make complete sentences.

"Her eyes went walled2," I really like this, it says a lot about Dragos character, who I'm growing fond of.

Two minutes is up >.<

I swear I'll come back and turn this into a proper review.






Thanks a lot, I need to tell everyone here this though. This started as me and Dragofriend1234's Role Play and she's the co-author. I have to give her the credit for Drago. That was her character but I am expanding on the story. I bet Drago would be happy to hear that you liked her character! We worked hard together but that's why that says "Walks into house." because it was my turn and Krystal is my character. She was going into the house!



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Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:15 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



*rubs forehead* Wow, this needs a lot of work. Okay, I don't want you to take this review the wrong way, so let me start by saying that it's not bad, it's just difficult to understand because of omitted information, which needs to be put into the story for it to make more sense.
Where in the world did Algepeto come from? Who is he (or she)? And what exactly is going on between Drago and Krystal in that whole scene at (I think) Krystal's house? And then when they get to that 'gangbusting scene', first you call them mobsters, but then they're suddenly vampires? And how did Krystal, Drago, and Algepeto even get to that place? You don't transition very well.
Technique things. First of all, your verb tense needs to be solidified. You use both the past and present tenses; which one is this story going to be written in? Please pick one and stick with it.
And then these sentences: ""Lol. Fine."" Please...don't use "lol" in dialogue. " Walks into house alone." Who does this? (I think it's Krystal, but you need to say that, please).
Hope this helps!






Wow bro.... *rolls eyes cuz t was just a draft and co-author uses lol not me* Gee I feel soooooooooooooo talented!



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Sun Sep 15, 2013 6:25 pm
blacknwhiteeagle100 wrote a review...



Hey! I'm not a really great reviewer but I'll try. NIce to meet youu~~

Ok. So is this the very beginning of a story?
The concept is interesting, I'm not sure that I know very much about it, but...I guess I'll find out later?
In all honesty, I feel like you could make the opening a lot more catching. Like something to catch the reader's excitement or interest or something. Don't get me wrong, I like this, but in terms of having a very poignant beginning you're somewhat in the lacking :/.

Also, throughout the part, I feel like you could explore more in detail about the surroundings. What was the atmosphere like? I know it might not have been your initial intent on like maybe putting the characters' background and et cetera in this very beginning part, but if you do do that that would be better :).

For instance, why is Draco there? Are they friends? Brothers? Maybe I haven't read a prerequisite to this piece. If that's the case, then my apologies. :)

Hm. I guess that's it. Best of luck! :)

-blacknwhiteeagle100






to clear things up, Drago and Krystal are sisters and they are also best friends. thank you for your review



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Sun Sep 15, 2013 6:13 pm



Of can anyone help me think of a title for this piece????
It would be lots of help!
Thanks






RainbowPowerPonies





Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk