z

Young Writers Society


12+

Ravenwood Investigations Part 1

by Liaya


* Note: This is a short story--in the sense it's only supposed to span about twenty pages all told. I didn't think people would want to read that much all at once so I'm splitting it into parts.

-

"Cass, you do it."

I stared at Harry in disbelief as Lily laid out the candles in a circle on the concrete play area. "You've got to be kidding," I told her. "What would make you think I'd be any good at this kind of thing at all?"

Harry grinned at me, her diamond-studded tooth flashing in the moonlight. "Come on, Cassie, everyone agrees you seem to have some kind of sixth sense. All your predictions come true, after all."

I shifted uncomfortably on the cold ground. My twin brother Calvin was always saying that too. "I'm just a lucky guesser, that's all. I can't perform a séance."

Brian slapped me on the back. "Don't hold out on us, Cass! We know you can do it."

Mike pushed his glasses up on his nose somberly--they glinted silver and opaque for just a moment. "A séance is entirely useless without the presence of someone who is more spiritually connected with the Otherworld," he intoned seriously. I rolled my eyes.

"The 'Otherworld,' as you put it, refers to faeries, not ghosts," I reprimanded him. "Guys, I don't want to be the one doing the séance! Make Jeremy do it--or Lily. I bet they'd do fine."

We were all sitting in the dark courtyard of our schoolhouse. My group of friends who I'd dubbed "The Death Dealers" had come to my window around midnight, egging me to join them for some kind of late-night thrill. We'd slipped into the schoolyard underneath the loose links of the western gate, and now everyone was bent on doing a séance. Lily, my recommendation for the séance, was quiet and intense with bright gray eyes and black hair, and she seemed just the type to be in the middle of a candle circle. Not me with my orange hair, periwinkle eyes, and white nightgown! I thought I was more likely to be the ghost.

Jeremy nudged me, one eye blinking from beneath his curtain of black bangs. "Just do it," he muttered softly.

Lily was lighting the candles now, her grave manner suggesting reverence. I rolled my eyes for what seemed the millionth time. "I don't know what to do," I insisted.

"Just call on the spirits that reside here at the school." Lily finally spoke, her eyes meeting mine. "Just say what you feel is right. Every medium is different, after all."

"I'm not a medium!" I protested again, but I stepped into the center of the circle as Lily backed away, skull earrings swinging. Calvin is going to make fun of me when he finds out about this.

Silence fell as everyone arranged themselves in a circle around me and the candles, joining hands. I stared up at the black sky for a moment, watching as the full moon dodged in and out of wispy gray clouds. It was a perfect night for ghosts--nearly Halloween, full moon, the trees bared and skeletal except for the occasional trembling leaf. I shivered in my thin nightgown and began to speak, feeling utterly ridiculous.

"O Spirits that slumber here, I call upon thee!" I spoke as I thought Mike would, trying to use fanciful old language. I paused, staring at Henry's expectant face with irritation, then continued. "All those hurt and forgotten, rise again!" Once again at a loss for words, I closed my eyes.

It was then I started having one of my feelings. Stop. Stop now, I kept on thinking. But then everyone would think I was a coward! I bit my lip and resumed in a low voice, wishing I was still in bed.

"By the Moon that sheds thee with its light and gives power unto the night, Awaken!" A sudden, unexpected desire to actually experience a ghost bloomed within me and my voice faded to a whisper. "Please...if there are any that linger here...come out now. You can come out now." I shuddered again and suddenly, with a sound like a deep sigh, all the candles around my feet went out.

My wonderful, brave friends all screamed and took off as a wind began to howl, shaking the branches of the old oak tree. My heart was pounding as I stood frozen, listening the the lamenting wind. Stop, I thought helplessly. Cassie, there's no reason to be afraid. Ghosts don't exist. I forced myself to kneel down and gather the candles. I hitched my nightgown up to my knees, making a pocket for the candles and piling them in there. I picked up the jacket that Harriet had left and put it on--I'd return it to her later. I walked slowly and purposefully towards the gate where I'd gotten in, shivering. I felt like someone was watching me, but I kept my eyes stubbornly trained on the gate, scared to look anywhere else.

I was just about to crawl back out when I saw something move in the corner of my eye. I spun to see the oak tree bending in the wind. I let out my breath. "See, Cass?" I told myself aloud. "This is why you're an idiot."

And then it happened. A figure stepped out from behind the tree. I couldn't see any features; it was completely shadowed. I lost it. The candles cascaded from my skirt and I took off, tearing through the broken section of fence. My nightgown caught on a link and tore, and the band holding my braid together was snagged off, but I didn't slow down until I was back home and locked safely away in my room.

-

The next day at school was dreary. I was exhausted and a constant drizzling of rain was keeping everything damp and cold. All of my friends were jumpy and giggly and perfectly ridiculous, so I steered clear of them. Who I really wanted with me was my twin brother, Calvin, but he was busy with studying for another test.

I went outside for fresh air during lunch. The grounds were pretty much empty because of the rain and I wandered around enjoying their barrenness. When I came back round front to the play area, there was a girl sitting on the bench. She looked lonely. She was hunched over and soaking wet, a lunchbox next to her dejected form. I walked over to her. "Hey," I said, "are you okay? Can I sit with you?"

She looked up, straightening. She was wearing a cardigan and skirt that were both slightly outdated--no wonder she was out here alone. The people at this school could be cruel. Her face was pretty enough though and she smiled shyly at me and nodded. I sat down on the wet metal bench, wincing as my buttocks were immediately soaked through. "Do you like sitting out here in the rain?" I asked.

She wasn't looking me in the eye. "Not really," she shrugged, her voice barely audible.

"Then why are you out here?" I asked. I felt sorry for this girl; she seemed painfully shy.

"No one wants me around," she sighed.

"Well, that's just ridiculous!" I burst out, my temper getting the better of me. She jumped a little, startled, her eyes widening as I leaned towards her passionately. "I'm sure plenty of people will love to have you around. You're just shy, that's all--right? I bet we could be friends! I'm Cassie. What's you're name?"

"P-Paisley Webber," she stammered, leaning away from me. I grinned and stuck out my hand.

"Nice to meet you--"

"You're Cassie Baker?"

A new voice interrupted us and I turned to see a tall boy standing just inches away from me. I hadn't even noticed him! He had black hair that was a little too long, pale blue eyes, and was extremely straight-faced. I recognized him vaguely but I was pretty sure we'd had minimum contact. "Sorry, Paisley, wait just a moment," I said, staring him down. "Yeah I am. And you're interrupting me because...?"

His eyes turned to where Paisley was beside me. "Because you lost something last night." He dropped a plastic bag onto my lap; the candles. My face flushed.

"What? How did you--why're you giving these to me?"

His face remained absolutely stoic. I thought he looked kind of like a vampire; he was all dressed in black, his bone structure was fine, and his skin pale. "Because you're the one who dropped them. They weren't necessary for the séance, by the way. Neither was the fancy language. The spirits didn't listen until you said 'Please.' " I felt my cheeks redden and eyebrows draw together.

"You were there last night?" I accused. "You were the one sneaking about to scare all my friends! Did Mike set us up? Spill it!"

"I wasn't there because you were, I was just there." A small smirk crossed his thin lips. "Although the results were...highly interesting."

"Oh go away," I snapped. "I'm in the middle of a conversation with Paisley."

He raised his eyebrows; he seemed haughty, and it just irritated me more. "Paisley Webber?" he asked. I nodded. "This proves my point. Paisley Webber committed suicide ten years ago. Good job waking up the ghosts, Cassie. She hasn't been seen in years." He spun on his heel and stalked off. I couldn't believe he'd be so rude as to say something like that about the poor girl next to me! I turned to her to apologize about the episode--

But she was gone. The bench was empty and drenched, a puddle forming where she was supposed to be sitting.


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 8:16 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Liaya! Here to review your story this fine review day!

What I liked about this piece was that there was a cool plot idea here emerging about waking up the dead and all that. I quite like supernatural in general and this is a really cool idea to put forward.

When I first starting reading this, I thought too many character's names were mentioned without proper introductions. I know they're all part of this gang or something, but without introducing them formally, the reader tends to forget who they all are! So I'm not saying right at the beginning introduce each member of the gang with a lengthy description about their physical appearance. I'd say just mention how many people are in the gang, and then whenever one of them does something significant- then mention their name and what they're like.

When they see the figure and run away, I just think this big scene has been built up and then falls flat because it's so short about how they get away. So I think expanding the running away bit there- do they trip over things? What thoughts are going through their heads? Also, maybe some more description about the monster/figure would be great!

I saw a few cases in here where you told, instead of showed. For example, here.

she seemed painfully shy.

Okay so this is great, but instead of just saying she seemed painfully shy- show it! Maybe she always has her head down. Maybe she talks really quietly- which in fact you've already mentioned. So just talk about her walk-and-talk more, so the reader gets an idea of whether she's shy or not.

Overall, this is a really cool story! Please let me know if you post anymore because I'd love to read it. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing! From a member of Team Rouge,
~ArcticMonkey x




Liaya says...


Thank you for your suggestions! They help a lot! :) Very appreciated!



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Mon Sep 16, 2013 5:07 pm
KingKamor wrote a review...



Hi, just here to review your piece.

I thought that the writing here was pretty flat. I couldn't really get a sense of place, so I ended up imagining the old elementary school in my hometown, rather than a high school. In addition, I think that you need to work on dialogue; they shouldn't sound like they're reading lines off of a script. Think of what someone in your own social circle would say in regular conversation and try applying that to your dialogue.

As for descriptions, I think that more sensory aspects should be explored. If she feels like someone is watching her, then don't just stop at that. Dwell on it, give the reader a feeling of suspense and paranoia before sneaking up on them and spooking them. Give your descriptions of the ghost-y spooky things a less human and more supernatural set of attributes. "And then it happened" is like telling someone that you're going to surprise them before jumping out in a scary mask and saying "Boo!" It might be scary if it's without warning, but it becomes a shade of what it could have been if you telegraph like that. Same for the last two paragraphs; the dash at the end of the second-to-last bit is an obvious sign that something is about to happen, so it gives the reader ample time to prepare for something spooky by the time they reach the next paragraph.

Another thing that I noticed was a common anime trope: the opaque glasses push-up-the-nose thing. I don't know if you actually took a page from anime or not when you wrote this, but I don't think his glasses would have done that in the first place. As a wearer of glasses I can tell you that that rarely happens at all unless the whole room is painted white and brightly lit, so I couldn't help but laugh. If you did indeed use it because you are aware of the cliche, then I would advise you not to use common anime themes in writing of literature.

Finally, near the end, I think it is counter-productive to just outright say that the black-clothed kid looked like a vampire. Everyone has their own image of what a vampire looks like, from the original Nosferatu to (unfortunately) sparkly loners. Otherwise, you described him just fine and I don't think saying "he looks like a vampire, yo" helped at all.

I realize that all of this sounds like me cracking down on you, but I just really like ghost stories and junk like that, and hope your story turns out to be interesting and insightful. Good luck with the rest of it, and always keep writing!




Liaya says...


Thanks for your feedback! This is just what I needed, and I'll consider all of your suggestions! :)



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Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:25 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Hmm...well, that was interesting. The biggest thing that stuck out to me was "Who I really wanted with me was my twin brother, Calvin, but he was busy with studying for another test." You waited until about the middle of the chapter/segment to introduce that she has a brother, and is a twin no less. You'd think she would have at least thought about it at the beginning when she was sneaking out with her friends. Just a thought.
Hope this helps!




Liaya says...


Thank you for the suggestion, you're absolutely right. I added a couple of sentences mentioning him. Thanks for reading!




Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton