This definitely reads more like an essay than poetry. It's a pretty awesome essay, but it still doesn't seem to fit into poetry in my opinion. Now, it could be considered free-form poetry, but I will admit I don't know much about the subject. So I'll just leave it at that. Anyway, onward!
I love beginnings like this. Screw the weather, screw the setting, you jump right into the heart of a matter.
They sound like that favorite song that just keeps playing in your brain even after you've shut the radio off because it brings back faces, laughs and pomegranate kisses that you'd rather live without remembering.
Now, I mostly like this line, but what is the significance of pomegranate kisses? Is it the color of his lost love's lipstick? Maybe the taste of pomegranate is significant somehow? Since the reader doesn't know why pomegranate is significant, the description loses a lot of its power.
I mostly like the voice of the narrator, but try to only drop the f-bomb whenever it is just like, 'Woah, man! Something big just happened!' The word will lose its power and start to become corny if it isn't used sparingly.
Even if you said you hated me, I would love to hear that voice.
This line was great.
But you’re the best I have to show for all the scars and slices that cover the front of my heart.
This line is a tad bit cliche. It makes me thing of goth poetry, and it doesn't quite fit the mood you've created thus far in such an awesome poem. You should definitely edit this so that it does the rest of this piece justice.
Nicely done, Rememb. Keep up the good work. This piece was very well written, but it could still use some polishing. Just keep after it!
Points: 652
Reviews: 178
Donate