Young Writers Society

So I'm reading this thinking, "what in the world? Is this just like, a crazy poem or does it have some deeper meaning that I just didn't catch because I'm not the best poetry reader?" And I read the whole thing, and was still thinking "what?" and then I'm all like, "who in the world wrote this?" And I go up and read your name and it all made sense.
I love how your poetry always causes such a turmoil of emotion inside of me.

I also, aside from your name, failed to notice the warning at the top. I'm not 18 yet. And I read this. Those warnings should be bigger. You just corrupted my formerly innocent mind. Way to go.

Yeah, review. Stop getting distracted, Cailey! I love this stanza:
"Lice were eating my hair alive
Maggots orchestrated meals on my thighs
I was the buffet, the scarecrow's meal
The light from the flares seemed all too real
I quickly stabbed myself in the face
To find myself in a familiar place
Gripped on the bedsheets, papa close by
"JUST A NIGHTMARE" he said, "NO NEED TO CRY!""

Love the imagery and I got shivers because just reading this makes my entire body itch and I can practically feel lice in my head, but I promise I don't actually have lice or maggots.

However, the exclamation points in the rest of this poem are a little bit distracting. I think they fit well in the flares chorus part, and in the repetition of lice, but in the bigger stanzas they're a little bit distracting and make it hard to read.
And then it seemed like as you kept writing you just ignored punctuation completely, like in the above stanza that I said was my favorite.

The last stanza was a bit confusing, too. I just, I feel unresolved, like I don't completely understand what happened. But maybe I'm just not smart enough for your songs.

And I was thinking that I didn't really like the first verse, but I couldn't figure out why. I guess it's almost too quick to read, like I didn't even have a chance to figure out what I was reading because it just kept going. And maybe that's the exclamation marks. And maybe that's what you meant it to sound like.
But I figured out that part of it is just that the first two lines don't rhyme, but all the rest of it and the other verses do.
"I tiptoed to the water's edge
Without hesitation, I jumped in!"
Edge and in don't rhyme. Now that I noticed that it explains why I didn't like the first stanza. So there you go. There's my review.

I hope you enjoyed and maybe even found it helpful.
Do you have lice?
The end.
-Knight Cailey.

Er... I really don't get it
I mean... there is this nightmare about lice? |:
This seems like comical lyrics. But how is this horror?
Well if you meant it to fall under "Horror" genre, you didn't express it properly.
I really don't know how to judge this
But keep writing!
~Gigi

This is one of the three reviews that you will receive from a Green Room Knight.

I don't really know what to make of this since I'm not entirely sure that I understand your narrative.

This is labeled under, "Lyrics," but since I don't know if this is a song or not I can't really get the rhythm.

The rhythm that I imagined was pretty cool though.

While the grammar is good, as I said, I don't really understand your narrative.
I mean, I get what you said in the stanzas, I understand that part. But how does that in any way relate to flares? That's the part that I don't understand.

And don't even get me started on your rhymes. They are all over the place, some of them don't compliment each other, or they simply aren't there at all.

As for your narrative, while I understand it, it doesn't make sense. It's like you picked four subjects out of a hat and tried to relate them to one another.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this.

I think I kind of like how your lyrics are crazy. But at the same time the grammar Nazi in me is screaming, "Run away! Run away!"

All-in-all, I think that you wrote this very well.

KT

GUYS SHUT UP I REALLY LIKED THIS POEM YOU SHALLOW DORKS!!!!!

I thought it was really good. Nirvana was a hit band and their lyrics often made less sense than these. They're fun and awesome, like the ramblings of a madman that's actually a genius. I really liked it, people being shallow confused idiots shouldn't post on here. Be proud of these lyrics, I like them.

Hello Ajt!
You told me to read this a while ago and I never did. So here I am.
Personally, I liked the "One man's trash is another man's Marigold" (I dunno if that's the exact title) better than this one, just so you can get a sense of what kind of thing I do like.
You seemed to have a fever of ideas you were trying to write down all at the same time. Usually I think of Flares as a cry of help, or celebration, like for independence day. Here they appear to be something else.
This poem seemed silly and violent. Or like someone was doing drugs and trying to write poetry at the same time. I dunno. I don't know where you got all these lice from, they don't seem to match the muddled story line at all.
The way this is laid out makes it seem like a ton of unconnected events. You're in a river, then you're in mud or something, then you're in fire, then you're in bed, then fire again...

Then your rhyming... Oh, I'm sorry aj, but that is atrocious. In most places the rhymes are forced beyond belief, in others, the rhyme scheme has completely dissolved.... It's not pretty. Maybe it would sound okay with music, but That doesn't make up for the forced rhymes. Basically, I feel like half of your poem what what you had to say to make it rhyme, and you never got your full point across.

Speaking of which, I don't see the point at all in this. Not to say every poem/song has to have a point or a moral, but usually people like them to tell a story, describe feelings, give them a new perspective, have really beautiful images involved, or at least vivid images. I didn't get any real imagery, and this might be something about your feelings, but it just got muddled in the words and I don't know how to feel afterward. Angry? It sounds like the music that would go to this would be angry-ish music, but that might just be from the all-caps RAWR!

I feel like if you dissected this poem and took all the good parts out and threw the rest away, the separated the good parts into other, separate poems, you would have several really nice poems. But together like this.... I didn't like it. Sorry to sound harsh, if I do.

One part I did like was "I cleansed myself of a stickman's gift" because I don't really know what a stickman is, but I was imagining the guy who guides boats along by using really long poles. I was intrigued by what kind of gift that person would give someone else.
I also liked the part about you being a feast. I dunno. That part had nice imagery and seemed to fit the description of "horror" better than most other things in this poem. It also kind of tied in the "lice" part which seemed kind of random.

I'm sorry for my rambling, I hope this helped you in some way or another.
~Fortis

Oh, this was for that quest for a library thingy. FOR THE KNIGHTS OF THE GREEN ROOM! HUZZAH!

I agree with dragonfphenix... this poem was very confusing indeed.. It felt like you concentrated on many topics at once and sort of lumped them all together and added some dramatic exclaimed words at the end.. Don't take this the wrong way.. I just don't grasp the significance of this piece. Keep writing though . I look forward to reading some more of your work. Hopefully the up coming pieces are more clear .

RAWR! You copied me! RAWRING IS MY THING.
*ahem* Sorry. To the review. I think you know my name already, so I shall skip the whole, "Hey writer, Griffin here to review this lovely piece of work!" spiel.

So. You just decided to go all out with the mature content, violence, and language here, huh? Eh, I liked it. ^-^ Just wondering, these are lyrics, correct? I was singing (kinda screaming) the words in my head, so I think it fits.
I liked the flow, and the lyrics, though violent, were really good. My favorite;

Lice were eating my hair alive
Maggots orchestrated meals on my thighs
I was the buffet, the scarecrow's meal
The light from the flares seemed all too real

Um...I'm confused. What's this poem supposed to mean? It felt like you were writing something dirty just for the sake of its dirtiness. I'm really confused. Something just felt off here. If you were going for horror, you didn't come across that way. At all. I'm really, really confused. You go on from one 'horror' to the next, yet from where we came, or why we go, you don't say. I needed more than I was given, and yet less than what you gave me. I'm really, really confused.
*grins* I just felt like using echo like you did.
Hope this helps!