Young Writers Society

Hi there! Here to represent Team Rouge and this amazing review day! I will provide you with a delightful review sandwich in just a jiffy

First things first, the things I liked;

I like the character of Cash. He's exactly what you're looking for if you like romantic/comedies!

I also like the mysteriousness of Shane West even if I'm not crazy about the name.

And now onto constructive criticism;

Definitely confused by the switch of POV. Not going to keep on about it as other people have already noticed it. Just pointing out that if this many people say it then it needs to be changed.

The name Carter isn't very girly. I was confused for a moment as to who was speaking! This maybe be me just being English.

Good luck & keep writing!

Olive <3

Hi Darkheart!

I like this story, so far. It's a really cutesy romance kinda thing. I'm a huge sucker for romance stories. So, I'm sure I'll like this one. Now, let's get to the review!

So, I'll have to agree with Esther Sylvester about... Pretty much everything.

When the P.O.V. changed from Shane to Carter, it was just thrown in our faces. It was really sudden and unexpected basically. I don't really know how you can properly switch over though. You could do a separator, like Esther mentions. Or maybe you can casually, and a little slower, transition between the two characters.

For example, here's a part of a story written by SereneSimpliciT :

I blink, but nod.

"Uh, yes Sir." I answer.

"Good, now, stay, Armasons, come with me." Kasami says, walking out the door, Cent not far behind him.

Closing the door behind him, I'm now alone with Maggie and her doctor, and outside the room, Kasami sighs.

"That kid is something." Kasami comments as they turn the corner.

"You really don't have anything for me to do, do you?" Cent asks.

Kasami falls silent, coming to a stop, Cent watching him for a moment.

Hello there!

I like how your characters seem pretty interesting right off the bat, good solid characters with, well character. Esther is right though - Carter needs to be more believably older than eight, maybe give her some wit or something to attract a guy like Shane (this is about Carter and Shane right?).

So about the characters, I find Cash's character is a whole lot more matured than the other two, which is probably what you were going for so good job. But then this leaves the story as a romantic tale between a girl who is slightly childish and a boy who is full of it. Interesting, but especially for a romance story the characters need to be likable, since the focus is on them as opposed to, lets say, action where the focus is on the plot and if you don't like a character it doesn't take too much away from the story.

Pretty much, good characters, but since it's a romantic, emotional story more likable traits need to be included because so far the only character I am sensing a connection with is Cash, and he's only a side character (correct me if I'm wrong).

These two sentences I want to point out some things:

'She was no little girl and she knew it. But just the sight of those things got her giddy and she practically skipped over to do as her brother asked.'

- ok so, first sentence: I am not sure where you are going with this. By knowing she is no little girl, are you just pointing out that she has the intelligence of a being capable of understanding age? Or are you suggesting she thinks getting gumballs is childish and she knows she is past childhood? I don't know but I feel like there is a better way to phrase this.

- anyways, next sentence: you say, quoting, 'But just the sight of those things got her giddy'; the words 'things' should, as a rule, almost never be used in writing. It's very vague and not considered very intelligent. How about 'colourful candy balls' or something more descriptive and specific to what you are describing.

Esther already mentioned the whole switching POV as well so I think this review will end here then

Ok so good story, romances are always fun, and keep writing!

~ Sarra ~

Hey Darkheart!

I found your story to be very charming. Your characterizations were cute and I found the bubble gum catastrophe to be totally endearing. Here are some points for you:

First, how old are your characters? I would say that Carter would be around ten to eleven years old. Now, I'm sure this isn't her actual age, but this is the age she *acts*. While the bubble gum thing is cute, you have to be careful not to make your character behave too young for their age. Charmingly naive is different from having the mind of an eight year old, and you should aim for the former. I personally love innocent female characters like Carter, but remember than she does need to act her age to minimum extent for her character to be believable. (What sixteen year old guy wants to date a girl with an eight year old's mind? Kind of creepy)

Second, after paragraph three, you switch from Shane to Carter's point of view (POV). When switching from one point of view to another, you need to alert the reader some how so they don't get confused. This is generally done by inserting a line between the end of one character's POV and the beginning of another character's POV. Like this:

Jack's point of view. He's afraid of shrimp. He decided to avoid going to the shrimp tank at the world's fair and chose to hang out at a fountain instead.

--------------
Anna's point of view. Anna spotted Jack, who looked terribly frightened, as a shrimp had jumped out of the fountain and onto his face.

See the separator? You don't need to do it this way, but do remember that you need to separate POVs somehow.

Over all, good work! I enjoyed this. I love cutesy romance stories, as you can probably tell from my portfolio. Keep up your sense of humor and your characterization.

Esther