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Jarrett the Ferret and Anna Banana

by AnnaVac


I held my breath, the bottle slowly ending it's spin. By the looks of things, it would land on Jarrett, my crush. Now, this wasn't any regular, school-girl crush. This is the kind of crush that lasted years! I mean, being a sophmore and liking him since 5th grade, c'mon, you must admit it's pretty big.

As the bottle came to a stop infront of Jarrett, he looked at me, a smile creeping onto his face. My face flushed, but I managed to smile a little.

"Looks like we are kissing." He said. I shivered at the sound of his sexy, silky voice.

"Okay, in the closet. This ain't no kid version of spin-the-bottle" my friend, Erica, said. "7 minutes" she said as she ushered us into the closet, locking the door. I gulped as I looked up at Jarrett. He was perfect. His blonde hair flipped up the slightest way in the front, the rest covered by a snapback. The snapback, as everyother day, matched the outfit he was wearing. His pink lips were pulled up into a grin, his braces showing slightly. His blue eyes sparkled down at me.

"So, Anna Banana, are we going to kiss, or are you going to stare at me?" He asked, laughing. My face reddened and I looked down. "Hey, it's alright. I like when you stare, makes me feel good about myself" He said softly. I looked up at him and smiled. He looked back down at me and started to lean in. I leaned in and met him half way. His soft pink lips met mine. He kept them there a few moments before moving his lips. I followed his actions, being naive to things such as these. His braces barely touched my mouth, although mine probably scraped his lips a few times. He gently grabbed my chin and deepend the kiss, sticking his tongue into my mouth. I smelled his cologne, felt his chest against mine, the tips of his blonde hair tickling my forehead. I let him do as he pleased, his tongue searching my mouth. He pulled away

"Anna Banana" he whispered. That nickname, it made me feel special.

"Jarrett the Ferret" I retaliated with my own nickname

"Anna, I think I l-like you" he whispered in a rushed tone.

"W-what?" I asked, my heart rate picking up.

"I-" *beep beep* The words didn't come out, only alarm clock sounds.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that" I said

"I-" *beep beep beep beep* He said, again, his words being replaced with an annoying beeping.

I jumped awake, sweating. It was just a dream. It was just a dream. It. Was. Just. A. Dream. I flopped back onto my bed, upset.

"Anna! School!! Get up!!" My mom yelled. I groaned. Stupid dreams.

Okay, so that was the first part of my story. I hope you enjoyed it. Actually, I am Anna, and Jarrett is a guy I kinda like, even though nothing ever happened between us.


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189 Reviews


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Reviews: 189

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:13 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hi there Anna!
Happy review day to you!
manisha here to review!

Unrequited love is something most relate to so it is a story I can connect to. Dreaming about you crush happens many a times to many people.

"Anna, I think I l-like you" he whispered in a rushed tone?
Was the question mark on purpose? If, yes I do not understand the purpose. If not, it is probably a minor typo.
I like the fact you added nick names. It makes it more cute.

"I *beep beep*" The words didn't come out, only alarm clock sounds.
When I read it I thought Jarrett was actually saying beep. you do not have to add the "beep beep" inside the dialogue.
Or you could put a dash after 'I' so that we know he was interrupted.

I look forward to the second part of the story for we do not really get a good picture of Anna yet. We just know she likes Jarrett.

Overall, you have good writing style! I enjoyed reading this! I would like to read more!

Keep writing!
-manisha




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:54 am
Valkyrie17 wrote a review...



Hey Anna! I am here to review your story! :)

This was a lovely little introduction and sets up the story for all sorts of action between Anna and Jarrett. Just to make clear, Anna Banana isn't really the characters full name right? I am being picky but you should probably make sure you add in her full name in the next chapter or mention that it is a nickname. If it is who came up with it and does anybody actually use it or is it part of her fantasy that he will call her that?

I like that its short and sweet however even just a few more lines of description would have gone a long way. You could easily drag out the moment of the kiss a bit more by describing their closeness, what he smells like up close, her fears of him knowing that its her first kiss - they are just a few examples of what you could have commented on. Also at the beginning when the bottle is spinning you could have added more detail on how anxious she is. You could add more at the beginning with it being her go to spin the bottle and as she does maybe she makes a wish it will land on him. These are just a couple of ideas I can come up with to help add more depth to the story while keeping the humour and romance of it.

This is an enjoyable piece and you had me doing a happy dance when he said he liked her even though we barely know the characters which is awesome! Well done. :D I also really loved the fact that it was only a dream.

Other than the actually story I couldn't spot and grammar or spelling mistakes.

Keep up the good work! ~ Valkyrie




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:39 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello there.

I held my breath, the bottle slowly ending it's spin.


Change that to "its"

As the bottle came to a stop infront of Jarrett


Change to "in front"

my friend, Erica, said. "7 minutes" she said as she ushered


You repeat the same thing twice. Try to avoid that.


I suggest you edit your work so there is a noticeable gap between the ending of the chapter and your note. Also suggest you add in that it is a note, by adding A/N to the beginning of it. A/N = Author's Note.

As stated below, definitely work on the imagery, but primarily details. It's really short and to the point. Where's the fun in that? Add in things, like details about the surroundings, how everyone reacted to Anna and Jarrett going into the closet, etc. more details will keep the reader engaged, instead of boring them.

Besides the nitpicks, I found this to be a nice start. I mean, don't we all hate when we get those sexy dreams that end too soon? So link me when the next chapter goes up!

Keep on writing and BLACK PLAGUE FOREVER.

~Iggy




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:34 am
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SecreteJournalist wrote a review...



Hey, SecreteJournalist here, reviewing for the Green Lanterns! Welcome to YWS!

I would like to say, the story is cute, sweet, and something all girls die to have happen to them.

I love the imagery in this, it makes me imagine whats going on. But I feel like it needs more. Like, how big was the closet? Where was the party at? Was a lot of people in attendance? Details like that make or break a story.

I didn't see any spelling errors, I am deeply sorry if I have missed any. Grammar was not a big problem in this story either.

What bugged me, is that this story lacked detail. It went really, really short. Left me feeling unceartin on what to think.

One of my favorite parts, was that it was a dream. It was funny and cute, but also sad to realize it wasn't real.

I see one major mistake, and that is the question mark after Jarrett said he liked you. That sentence has no need for a question mark!

Overall, this story is pretty cute and sweet, and once its fixed, it will be perfect :] Keep writing, you have some great ideas, and I would love to read more!

~Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie





He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
— Cicero