z

Young Writers Society



The Bridge ~ Into the Night

by AfterTheStorm


	The pale moon hung proud and high
Like a ghostly jewel in the darkened sky,
Reigning over its black land below.
	And I crossed the wooden bridge,
The ancient wooden bridge,
My unsure footsteps
    Echoing,
           echoing,
                 echoing
into the night.
	The waters cooed beneath me,
Their whispers inviting, calling, haunting,
Wanting me to neglect my path.
	And yet I crossed the wooden bridge,
The weathered wooden bridge,
The sickly waters
     calling,
           calling,
                    calling
into the night.
	The bridge groaned as winter winds,
Bitter and cold as they released their sins,
Attempted to sway me from my choice.
	But I crossed the wooden bridge,
The forgotten wooden bridge,
The malignant breeze
      Moaning,
             moaning,
                    moaning
into the night.
	And I finally made it over that bridge
Despite the waters,
Despite the winds.
	I crossed the wooden bridge,
The ancient wooden bridge,
My certain footsteps
 Echoing,
      echoing,
           echoing
into the night.


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Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:17 pm
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JackJackson says...



I thought you said you were bad at poetry! I think this is great! :D




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Sat Aug 31, 2013 7:18 pm
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AnnaKarenina wrote a review...



Firstly, I loved the formatting. It made me want to read it by just glancing at the screen. I expected something interesting, alluring and overall nice to read. And my expectations were exceeded. I enjoyed the frequent rhyming in the piece; such as the opening line. I really liked how this poem can be interpreted in so many ways, to suit the reader. It can be interpreted as literally crossing a bridge, or something more meaningful and in depth. I got a complete vision in my mind of a life experience as I read this poem, and I would like to thank you for that.

I enjoyed reading and visualizing this bridge. I feel like I completely know what you were trying to get across with this piece, and you perfectly projected your thoughts/imagination/experience. I could spend hours, and endless typing errors trying to explain the spectacularity of this piece. It is fantastic. Keep on writing and expanding your talent. There is something special here.

-K






Thank you so much, dear! You made my week. :D



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:26 pm
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ChangeTheWorld wrote a review...



I'm already excited to read this poem, just looking at it! Here goes!

The pale moon hung proud and high,
Like a ghostly jewel in the darkened sky,
Reigning over its black land below.

Fantastic opening lines! Already you have great rhyming, rhythm, and wording.

The whole thing was amazing! Especially for someone so young! The use of repetition was exquisite and very effective. You obviously have a good sense of sentences and syllables as well as great breakage in the stanzas.

I love how the footsteps went from unsure to certain, how the elements called her and how the night was an integral part of her journey. Very metaphorical, because the struggle of crossing a bridge can be applied to many, many aspects of life which makes the poem easy to relate to. It was a smooth, well written work. My only qualm was that I was not sure what her "choice" or "path" was that you kept referring too. Maybe that was intentional, if so then the poem is still amazing, but if you wanted, I think it could benefit from a little clarification at what's on the other side or why she's crossing.
Great, great job. I'd be interested to read when you post new stuff!

p.s. I disagree with Blackwood on the font and placement, I liked it and understand the affect you were going for.




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:17 pm
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LMJRayner wrote a review...



I thought this poem was cool, which sounds like a really childish way to describe it but I think the word fits perfectly. The use of :-

"And I crossed the wooden bridge,"

was brilliant, all the variants of that sentence really stood out and fitted well into the structure and the rhythm. Maybe though you could end them all with full stops, when I read it I just stopped slightly after reading the line, it just sounded better that way in my head.

It looks beautiful, I lot of writers and poets forget that the way the poem looks is quite important and yours looks interesting, adding another layer to the poem. The vocab used was vivid and created a very real sense of the bridge. I think however you could have ended it with a better line, maybe using the I crossed the wooden bridge line in another way or something. The last line wasn't particularly great and it left me wanting more, but not in a good way.

Hope this helps,

LMJ




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:09 pm
RedApril29th wrote a review...



You did a wonderful job! I love the whole set up for it, the lines look great. I also love how you emphasize on some of the words, such as echoing. Over-all it's a fantastic job and I rate it about a ten out of a ten! Keep the good work up. (:




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:41 pm
poetry is for intellectuals wrote a review...



I just have to commend u for doing a great job here. I'l be straight here; your imagery was good. I appreciate images that though appearing deceptively simple have a deep symbolical theme beneath the surface. Your diction was nice;I favor bysillabic words cos they sound less ambigous and more poetic. You stuck to your theme which was gradated gradually from fear to .... I think a poem is a highly ordered piece of high artistic beauty. Yours was but you know there's no such thing as a perfect poem so keep writing. Just before I stop it's not just rhyming always.

[ Edit ]


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:28 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



To be honesssssssssssssst....... the font, combined with the random placement of lines is kind of annoying and I feel like it takes away from the poem far more than it adds to it. Sure keep the cascading "morning morning" things but having the first and fourth line indented like that is super distracting.

Onto content, ignoring the annoyingness.

Ok I picked up on the pattern and style that you used and I really like it. I noticed a mistke in that in the second stanza you didn't rhyme.

The waters cooed beneath me,
Their whispers inviting, calling, haunting,

No rhyme. While in the other stanzas you did rhyme.
(winds sins) (sky high)

The final stanza, I think it would have been safer to continue following the pattern and it would have left the reader more satisfied, but really up to you.

some of the imagery I liked was:
The sickly waters

Reigning over its black land below.

Good job and keep writing.




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Sat Aug 24, 2013 3:43 am
novelist wrote a review...



First of all -- hi. I like this poem because there's a unique pattern with the redundant words you used to describe the general sounds of the footsteps, wind, et cetera. I think I've seen some poems in this type of style.

I don't get how the breeze would be malignant or "release their sins." I do see how it could be spooky at night, though. But it didn't make sense -- is the narrator being tempted to go into the water or something?

Pretty good poem, in any case. It was like reading a sensory story of someone's fears.






The "bridge" in this poem isn't a literal bridge. :D Haha So all of those metaphors thrown in there like the water and the wind actually represent the struggles we face when we must cross our own bridges in life.



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Sat Aug 24, 2013 3:36 am
Vivian says...



Hey. This is a awesome poem it's so intense especially with the three repeat of the words. It sounds like you're going through some sort of trial and there's someone who doesn't want you to finish. Or it's for a fantasy book either way it's cool and mysterious.






Exactly! Spot on, Vivian. :D The bridge does represent the trials we all face, and how we choose to cross it.



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Sat Aug 24, 2013 1:04 am
Rook wrote a review...



Hello there. :)
This was a really nice poem.
These are some things I liked about it:

-I liked the repeating of the three word and the way you formatted that

-I liked the progression from unsure footsteps to certain footsteps.

-you had some nice imagery such as when you describe the bridge and the wind.

-For some reason I really like the word "sickly" before "water." I haven't heard that used much, so it was very refreshing. ....which is the kind of word that's usually used to describe water.

-You had very nice word choice all together, such as the word "malignant." Don't hear that too often.

-This is a very coherent story line. I really like that. It has a nice mysterious mood, and the poem seems to have a deeper meaning. That's a good thing, even if I can't divine what it is.

-You seem to have good grammar. The strange formatting kind of threw off my analyzing of the grammar, but It appears to be good. ...except now that I look at it harder....


Things I didn't like:

-... you seem need more periods and less commas. In a lot of places it's a run-on sentence. I'd get rid of all the fancy formatting and write it as just a block paragraph. Read it as if it were prose, then change it accordingly. If you would like more detailed help on this, feel free to ask. and I might have this completely wrong. If you do that and find no mistakes well... *shrugs*

-I'm so-so on your formatting. It's pretty and wavy, but distracted me from what you were actually trying to say. In my opinion, pretty poetry is nice, but it MUST have a meaning or all those poetry haters will just use it as an example of why poetry is useless. Yours has a great meaning (did I mention that???) but I had to read it twice to realize what it was. I just got so consumed with "pretty words are in a pretty shape and it's so pretty and I wanna fall asleep listening to this so I can have pretty dreams!" that I had to go back. But I liked the formatting once I read the poem and realized what it meant and realized the indenting wasn't just random. Your choice.

-... that's really it for the "bad" section. Maybe change your font? I don't like that font. As a personal thing. I feel like that kind of font looks unfinished.

Well, I'm sorry for all the rambling. I really did like your poem. you did a great job. it's obvious you have some skill ;)
Keep writing!
~Fortis






Thanks, Fortis! And yeah, I have no clue why the font looks like that... Know how to change it???



Rook says...


No I don't. Aside from completely deleting it and typing it by hand.




The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats