I thought you said you were bad at poetry! I think this is great!
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The pale moon hung proud and high
Like a ghostly jewel in the darkened sky,
Reigning over its black land below.
And I crossed the wooden bridge,
The ancient wooden bridge,
My unsure footsteps
Echoing,
echoing,
echoing
into the night.
The waters cooed beneath me,
Their whispers inviting, calling, haunting,
Wanting me to neglect my path.
And yet I crossed the wooden bridge,
The weathered wooden bridge,
The sickly waters
calling,
calling,
calling
into the night.
The bridge groaned as winter winds,
Bitter and cold as they released their sins,
Attempted to sway me from my choice.
But I crossed the wooden bridge,
The forgotten wooden bridge,
The malignant breeze
Moaning,
moaning,
moaning
into the night.
And I finally made it over that bridge
Despite the waters,
Despite the winds.
I crossed the wooden bridge,
The ancient wooden bridge,
My certain footsteps
Echoing,
echoing, echoing
into the night.
Firstly, I loved the formatting. It made me want to read it by just glancing at the screen. I expected something interesting, alluring and overall nice to read. And my expectations were exceeded. I enjoyed the frequent rhyming in the piece; such as the opening line. I really liked how this poem can be interpreted in so many ways, to suit the reader. It can be interpreted as literally crossing a bridge, or something more meaningful and in depth. I got a complete vision in my mind of a life experience as I read this poem, and I would like to thank you for that.
I enjoyed reading and visualizing this bridge. I feel like I completely know what you were trying to get across with this piece, and you perfectly projected your thoughts/imagination/experience. I could spend hours, and endless typing errors trying to explain the spectacularity of this piece. It is fantastic. Keep on writing and expanding your talent. There is something special here.
-K
I'm already excited to read this poem, just looking at it! Here goes!
The pale moon hung proud and high,
Like a ghostly jewel in the darkened sky,
Reigning over its black land below.
I thought this poem was cool, which sounds like a really childish way to describe it but I think the word fits perfectly. The use of :-
"And I crossed the wooden bridge,"
was brilliant, all the variants of that sentence really stood out and fitted well into the structure and the rhythm. Maybe though you could end them all with full stops, when I read it I just stopped slightly after reading the line, it just sounded better that way in my head.
It looks beautiful, I lot of writers and poets forget that the way the poem looks is quite important and yours looks interesting, adding another layer to the poem. The vocab used was vivid and created a very real sense of the bridge. I think however you could have ended it with a better line, maybe using the I crossed the wooden bridge line in another way or something. The last line wasn't particularly great and it left me wanting more, but not in a good way.
Hope this helps,
LMJ
You did a wonderful job! I love the whole set up for it, the lines look great. I also love how you emphasize on some of the words, such as echoing. Over-all it's a fantastic job and I rate it about a ten out of a ten! Keep the good work up.
I just have to commend u for doing a great job here. I'l be straight here; your imagery was good. I appreciate images that though appearing deceptively simple have a deep symbolical theme beneath the surface. Your diction was nice;I favor bysillabic words cos they sound less ambigous and more poetic. You stuck to your theme which was gradated gradually from fear to .... I think a poem is a highly ordered piece of high artistic beauty. Yours was but you know there's no such thing as a perfect poem so keep writing. Just before I stop it's not just rhyming always.
To be honesssssssssssssst....... the font, combined with the random placement of lines is kind of annoying and I feel like it takes away from the poem far more than it adds to it. Sure keep the cascading "morning morning" things but having the first and fourth line indented like that is super distracting.
Onto content, ignoring the annoyingness.
Ok I picked up on the pattern and style that you used and I really like it. I noticed a mistke in that in the second stanza you didn't rhyme.
The waters cooed beneath me,
Their whispers inviting, calling, haunting,
The sickly waters
Reigning over its black land below.
First of all -- hi. I like this poem because there's a unique pattern with the redundant words you used to describe the general sounds of the footsteps, wind, et cetera. I think I've seen some poems in this type of style.
I don't get how the breeze would be malignant or "release their sins." I do see how it could be spooky at night, though. But it didn't make sense -- is the narrator being tempted to go into the water or something?
Pretty good poem, in any case. It was like reading a sensory story of someone's fears.
Hey. This is a awesome poem it's so intense especially with the three repeat of the words. It sounds like you're going through some sort of trial and there's someone who doesn't want you to finish. Or it's for a fantasy book either way it's cool and mysterious.
Hello there.
This was a really nice poem.
These are some things I liked about it:
-I liked the repeating of the three word and the way you formatted that
-I liked the progression from unsure footsteps to certain footsteps.
-you had some nice imagery such as when you describe the bridge and the wind.
-For some reason I really like the word "sickly" before "water." I haven't heard that used much, so it was very refreshing. ....which is the kind of word that's usually used to describe water.
-You had very nice word choice all together, such as the word "malignant." Don't hear that too often.
-This is a very coherent story line. I really like that. It has a nice mysterious mood, and the poem seems to have a deeper meaning. That's a good thing, even if I can't divine what it is.
-You seem to have good grammar. The strange formatting kind of threw off my analyzing of the grammar, but It appears to be good. ...except now that I look at it harder....
Things I didn't like:
-... you seem need more periods and less commas. In a lot of places it's a run-on sentence. I'd get rid of all the fancy formatting and write it as just a block paragraph. Read it as if it were prose, then change it accordingly. If you would like more detailed help on this, feel free to ask. and I might have this completely wrong. If you do that and find no mistakes well... *shrugs*
-I'm so-so on your formatting. It's pretty and wavy, but distracted me from what you were actually trying to say. In my opinion, pretty poetry is nice, but it MUST have a meaning or all those poetry haters will just use it as an example of why poetry is useless. Yours has a great meaning (did I mention that???) but I had to read it twice to realize what it was. I just got so consumed with "pretty words are in a pretty shape and it's so pretty and I wanna fall asleep listening to this so I can have pretty dreams!" that I had to go back. But I liked the formatting once I read the poem and realized what it meant and realized the indenting wasn't just random. Your choice.
-... that's really it for the "bad" section. Maybe change your font? I don't like that font. As a personal thing. I feel like that kind of font looks unfinished.
Well, I'm sorry for all the rambling. I really did like your poem. you did a great job. it's obvious you have some skill
Keep writing!
~Fortis
Points: 696
Reviews: 3
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