To them

Hello there and welcome to YWS.

No matter what I tell me myself I know somewhere inside of me nothing is the same, although to them I’m irrelevant.

You are missing a lot of commas. Also cut out that word.

The wardrobe door creaks as I pull at its handles.

This is the perfect place to start a new paragraph, so I suggest you do that. You made this one huge blob and it's difficult to read. Break it down.

Also, cut that word.

Without their approval I’m nothing, I cannot be a nothing.

Rewrite - "Without their approval, I'm nothing. I can't be a nothing."


My biggest nitpick is the length. It's too short. A short story means that the work starts and ends on the same page (sometimes people break it up into parts). But this was just one medium sized paragraph. Not only does it need to be longer, but it needs more details.

Which brings me to my other nitpick - I feel that this piece didn't match up to the summary. You didn't get the point across in clearer terms. If I hadn't read the summary, I wouldn't have known this was model who ha gotten rejected. More details you could have provided would have told the reader this.

Other than that, it was a small, but nice, work to read. I understand the pain the lady felt and the sadness she displayed. Though I want to know more about her; what exactly does she feel? Why did they reject her? Who rejected her? What magazine?

I hope you'll take my suggestions and work on them. Keep on writing!

~ Iggy.

First off let me say welcome to the site. Check out the forums for information on anything you need, I guarantee you it is there or will be there after you ask. For the latest news around YWS, be sure to check out the Squills news forum. And if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask anyone. You can bet that they will answer.

Now, on to the review.

This really didn't feel like a story to me, it felt more like a poem with the way it was written.

No matter what I tell me myself I know somewhere inside of me nothing is the same, although to them I’m irrelevant.

You have two different subjects that really don't relate to one another in the same sentence. I recommend splitting them up into two sentences.

They take one look at my wanting eyes,

I think that you should say, "They will....." here instead of, "They," since it hasn't happened yet.

Without their approval I’m nothing, I cannot be a nothing.

Once again, two subjects that do not really relate to one another.

I want to see the look on their faces as I make it, further than they ever had. Far beyond sitting behind a desk and judging. I want to be the hope the future and the happiness for the day. I want my face on that friggin’ magazine.

I liked the plot, but as I have said this feels more like a poem to me than a story. The ending was really strong, and easily the best part of the work.

I also think that you could split this paragraph into two or three smaller paragraphs. I say it feels like a poem, but you say it's a short story, so it should be a short story.

Overall, I thought that you did a very good job.

Piles of material stare at me with a judging exterior

This line is clever, I like the personification because it really fits the tone I think you're trying to portraying.

Without their approval I'm nothing, I cannot be nothing.

I think this should be a semicolon, but either way I mentioned the line because I like the dramatic desperation of it.

I liked it and the way she kind of rises up at the end in triumph by telling herself she can do it. I also like the subtle comparisons of her approaching success compared to their failure and the common opinion that people who judge are just jealous. I liked it.