Young Writers Society

Hello!
Can I take this line by line?

"My heart flies away" A very nice starting line. I like the light, care-free feeling it gives us.

"Kissing the leaden sky of day" This is an interesting image. I really like it, and I like the rhyme, but I wonder at it's meaning.

"When linnets sing o’er silent vale" you taught me a new word! "Linnet" is a word I've never heard of and the word by it's self goes really nicely here, and the meaning fits too! I'm glad you know what the proper contraction of over is.

"When whistling by the wind, do sail" I like these images and rhymes. So far, this is a lovely little poem that has little real meaning to me. I suppose it's just deeper than I can understand. I won't complain anymore about not being able to divine the meaning, but know, I have no idea what you're talking about.

"The reaper in a torch-song lost" Ooh! This is a pretty line! I like the word "reaper" to give a contrast to the lightness of the first line. You taught me a new word here. Torch song: a sad or sentimental song. That's a lovely word.

"Sings intermittent in winter’s frost" You have a way a phrasing pretty words that I don't understand. Seriously, this imagery is sooo lovely!
...actually that's all I have to say about the rest of the poem. I don't want to be to repetitive.
but one more thing.
"My heart doth flies away…" when you use the word "doth" the verb after should not have an s. This should be "doth fly." like it would be doth run instead of doth runs.

"By-Leo" No need for this ^_^ we know who you are.

I am in awe of the beautiful descriptions in this poem, but it seems to not have very much meaning. At least to me. I know not all poems have a story but I really like those that do.
You have such talent! Great job! Keep writing!
~Fortis

I really like the old style you have taken up. I feel like you could do it a little bit more to emphasis it. The first line for example, set the scene, find a oldish sounding way to phrase it so that it reflects the mood of the rest. Even adding something as simple as "Oh" oh have it the same as the final line with the doth helps. "Oh! My heart doth flies away".

You need punctuation however, at the end of lines.

I like this line :

For tender limbs, eyes soft, lost teeth, a birth

Hello Leo. Jonathan here with a review for you and your lovely poem. I hope it helps.

I can't help but notice that you are a little low on punctuation but that is really easy to fix.

Also what does "o’er" mean, I have a feeling it is like and old English word like "aye" anyway I have never run across it.

Well some of this poem made absolutely no sense, but it had some kind of meaning in it that made me like it a whole lot.

This poem was evidently written with your whole heart.

I loved it.

Good luck and never stop writing.

~Jonathan~

Oh look, it's me again

I really liked this! Something which I noticed here which I did not in the previous poems I've read of yours is the commas and the punctuation which is great because it helps ease the flow a bit more and stops the sentences to feel like they're running on forever. I also liked the imagery you've used here, it's really vivid which is always good in a poem, it really helps the reader really picture what's going on.

Having said that, imagery is useless if we're not actually sure what you're describing. I'm going to have to repeat the point someone said in a comment below which is I'm not really getting the theme- which I said in the last poem- it needs to be better translated to the audience. I think right now the descriptions overtake what the real message of the poem is so I'm reading it thinking wow great descriptions! but what's is he actually writing about? Try and make it a bit clearer next time, because I'm sure you have something important to get across!

Another thing to mention is although I liked how you've used more punctuation, I only really noticed that in the second half of the poem. So in the first five lines there isn't any which is fine really, however because the sentences run onto the next line and then the next line starts with a capital letter, a pause is created at the end of each line. That probably sounded right confusing but what I'm trying to get at here is you don't need need to capitalise the beginning of each line if it's not a new sentence.

Overall, I think this is the best poem of yours I've read so far! That might just be because I don't really like sonnets, but I also think it's because here you've done a great job at putting in imagery and the flow works a bit more so well done! Next time really think about how you're going to get your message or theme across to the readers. I hope this review helps! As always, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review of anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x

Love your use of rhythm it gives the poem a melodic feel to it making me want to keep reading, your use of imagery also helps transfer the reader feel the poem more. But what I dont get is the theme behind the poem