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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Silentville:- Chapter One

by MiraCaine


Ok, so when my parents told me I was being uprooted from the only home I had ever known and moving to a place I hadn't heard of halfway across the world, I was extremely annoyed. Well, okay, it was in the same country so thats a bit of an overreaction on my part but it was still going to feel like the other side of the world. I'll admit it, I threw a full on fit about it. I didn't want to leave the only friends I had ever known, but my parents minds were already decided and we were moving whether I liked it or not.

And trust me, I did not.

Apparently my granddad on my dad's side had recently passed leaving a huge fortune and inheritance, but it wasn't to my parents that he left it, it was to me. Not that I was complaining or anything. But thanks to my mum and her 'money conscious' views I couldn't touch a penny of it until I was eighteen. I had never even met this man and he was willing to leave thousands to me, a little fifteen year old he didn't know, as long as we moved into his old house as soon as we possibly could.

"I know you're going to miss your friends, Am, but this will be good for all of us. Plus, its a quiet little town, a lot like here, and you are sure to make lots of new friends." Mum says as she packs the boxes and labels them with what's inside. That would be a problem though, in small places like this people had known each other foreve, even our great grandparents probably knew each other, and in places likt ehat it is hard to fit in.

I nod absentmindedly, I haven't even told my friends yet and we are leaving in a week. They are probably going to take it worse than I did when I first got told. I'm not the most popular in my school by any means, but my friends have been the same for ten years and that has to count for something, right? It isn't that I don't want to tell them, it is more that I don't really know how to tell them all.

Nothing has really changed in our group, ever, so it's going to be a shock for them. I really am going to miss the girls when I leave, they have become like sisters to me and it will be like leaving family behind. No one in our group is really bitchy because we do live in a small comunity so I know they are genuinely going to miss me.

"Kayleigh?" I ask once she has picked up the phone, "I think you need to come over, bring the others too, if you can," tears make my throat close up and the last few words aren't really comprehendible.

He voice comes back really worried, "Amara, are you alright?" A tear slips down my cheek as I realise that I'm not going to see these girls for a very long time after this week. I wipe the tear away with my other hand, I rarely ever cry but I think this does call for a few tears.

"Just get over here as soon as you can, I need your help." I hang up the phone and my mum looks up from where she is knelt on the floor.

Mum stands up, brushing off her knees, "you haven't told them yet, have you?" I know she already knows the answer so I don't reply I just let her hug me, my nose is burning and my eyes are getting puffy but I don't really care. I know this is my fault, I should have told them as soon as I knew they would have understood but they might be more angry now because I kept it from them too.

I was all set to tell them the second after mum considered the possibility and then she declined, so I didn't beother telling them about it at all. Then she went and changed her mind and I don't know what to do anymore.

Lila is the first one to burst through the front door and stop dead in her tracks, she just looks around the empty hallway and into the lounge where I am now sat on the floor since we sold our couch already, to help pay for airfares. The house we are moving into came fully furnished, though mum insists on taking our cutlery and other bits to make it more like home in the little ways.

Kayleigh and Viv arrive at the same time, all three's reactions are exactly the same and I don't say a word as the questions rush through their minds and they all run over and hug me one by one. I have never wanted to cry so much but I can't because I need to be strong for them and show them that we can get through it all.

"I need your help," I say as I lead them up into my bedroom, its the only room in the house that hasn't yet been touched during the rush of moving, I wanted to keep it the same for as long as I could before I had to pack, mum and dad respect my wishes but now they are getting impatient and I guess I have reached the point where it is now necessary to get everything done.

None of the girls say a word as we walk into my bedroom and I get out the empty cardboard boxes from my wardrobe. They all nod at me understanding what I'm asking them to help me with. I wish I could tell them something like my mum's pregnant and we need to move into a bigger house, but I know they already know the gist of what is happening.

"What's really happening, Ammy?" Vivienne asks me sitting next to me on my bed, the other two sit on the floor looking up at me, they all have worried looks on their faces.

"We're moving."

"Where to?" Kay asks.

"I don't really know, to be honest, but its a town called Silentville, apparently its really nice but I can't find much about it on the internet. Its like it doesn't exist unless you know about it." Every time I look up the bloody place I can never find anything about it, just one website comes up when I search it.

Lila's eyes sparkle with mischief, "Sounds mysterious," she was the one in the group into mystery books and detective programmes on the TV. "You will just have to tell us everything when you're there and then we can inform the rest of the world. You never know, the town could have some huge secret."

"Or," Kayleigh cuts her off before she comes us with more totally bogus stuff, "its just a really boring little town that people don't need to know about because they are never going to go there," I nod, its not like the stuff of Lila's programmes come real anyway.

I get up and pick up a box, "This one is for... books," I say searching for a pen to write on the box. I find one and jot down what's going in the box. Maybe today won't be as bad as I was expecting it to be. As long as I get most of the important things packed before we go the stuff I don't really need can be put in the trash.

"So, why are you moving? Why now?" Kay asks, the usual smimmer in her eyes is gone, replaced by a hollow emptyness I can relate to.

"Well, it all started when we were called to go to the reading of some old guy's will, appanrently he is my granddad and he left me, a girl he never knew, a huge inheritance but I only recieve it if I move into his old house as soon as I can. So Dad looked for work around the local area and it seems like something really wants us to move since he got a really good offer. Mum didn't want to move but I think she's coming round to the idea."

They were all packing seperate boxes as I went on with packing my own box, they all looked at me with the same empty gaze I knew that I had been modeling since my parents broke the news.

"I think I'm the only one who doesn't really want to go anymore."

****

"We'll be over as much as we can be before you leave, we're going to make the most of the last week we have together." Viv says, laughing somberly as she walks out of my house. Vivienne is usually really bubbly and happy about everything and talking a mile a minuite, but it seems like the news has left her speechless which really is a first for her.

"Yeah, we need a party before you leave, even if it is just us there. Also when you go I need you to promise me you will update me on the town, no matter what the others say I can tell when something fishy is going on." Lila grins at me, kissing my cheek quickly before dancing out of the front door. I can tell she is only trying to keep things as upbeat as she can, its taking all her strength for her to not break down.

Kay is the last to leave, she has been my best friend for so long I really just don't know what to say to her. "I'm really going to miss you when you go, Ams, I don't know what I would do if you hadn't been there for me all these years." Tears are pouring down her cheeks and it makes me start blubbering too. We have had so many good memories together and I don't want the good times with her to end.

"Its a joint thing, you have been there for me more times than I can actually count. No one I meet in that crappy town will compare to you." I swipe my eyes asnd try to catch all the falling water droplets.

"Well hopefully there will be a guy, cause none of the ones here have caught your eye and you're fifteen you need to be having fun not sat at home curled up with a book. That's for when we have children of our own."

I laugh through my tears, "it is only cause all the guys here are dicks, Kayleigh. And I'll look for one, maybe you will find one yourself when you come to visit."

She nods then gives me a huge hug, "I'll be here tomorrow morning, the school is going to go crazy when it finds out the news, everyone loves you. Everyone is going to miss you, not just us. But you have to spread your wings and find a path that is yours, and if that path takes you away from us so be it. You are too amazing for this same small town forever."


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 4:03 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello Mira :) Here to review your chapter today on behalf of the Green Lanterns! I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both me and you. I tend to ramble otherwise :)

Here goes!

“Well, okay, it was in the same country so that's a bit of an overreaction on my part” - So your first paragraph has already made me smile so this definitely bodes well. I've seen a lot of stories that start in this manner but I'm hoping that you are going to be doing something different with it!

I really like your writing style. You just give us the information that we need, rather than overloading us with useless facts that will just make a reader bored. Don't change this about you!

I think you've created a good female character that many can relate to! I just hope that we get to see some of her weaknesses also.

The only criticism I have is to check your sentence length and really carefully go through your spellings before you post. I know how hard this is when you're excitedly writing it all out. I find reading it aloud helps me hear the mistakes that I haven't initially seen.

Good luck! I hope to read more soon!

Olive <3




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Thu Aug 15, 2013 6:26 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Hey, HT here to review.

Your grammar could use a little work, but overall I think that this was very good and it definitely was a good read. I'm not entirely sure why the title is, "Silentville," but I'm sure will discover that at a later date. I mean, I know that the town that she's moving to is called that, but I'm not sure why you chose that name for a town. It's pretty cool though.

Amara is a very good, strong female character who I believe that many girls can relate to (not in the sense that we've all received thousands of dollars in an inheritance, but I mean that we can relate to her personality.)

There were a few things that I would like to point out, however.

Ok, so when my parents told me I was being uprooted from the only home I had ever known and moving to a place I hadn't heard of halfway across the world, I was extremely annoyed. Well, okay, it was in the same country so thats a bit of an overreaction on my part but it was still going to feel like the other side of the world.


You use two different spellings of "Okay", and while they are both legally correct you should choose one spelling version and stick to that. Also, I don't think that you need to use the same word twice so close together. I would omit the second 'okay'. Also, you need to use an apostrophe on the "that's".


Apparently my granddad on my dad's side had recently passed leaving a huge fortune and inheritance, but it wasn't to my parents that he left it, it was to me. Not that I was complaining or anything.


Hey, I wouldn't complain either. Like I'm not complaining about this sentence, Amara's got some sass. I like sass.



"I know you're going to miss your friends, Am, but this will be good for all of us.

small places like this people had known each other foreve, even our great grandparents probably knew each other, and in places likt ehat it is hard to fit in.


Is her nickname pronounced "Am," or "Aim,"? I ask this because later in the story one of her friends calls her "Ammy" and to me that sounds like "Amy". Also, their are a lot of typos in this section.

I nod absentmindedly, I haven't even told my friends yet and we are leaving in a week.


I think that you need to split this sentence into two, where the comma is.

There were a lot more typos then what I pointed out, and you really need to fix those.

Overall, I thought that this was really good and I can't wait to read more.

Peace,
HT




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Thu Aug 15, 2013 2:15 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



I was really interested by the idea behind this, and I am still interested by where it will go. I love the title, also. The story idea I reckon may be very good, depending on where you go with it, however I think that perhaps you should have edited over this a bit more before posting this chapter. There were a lot of typos and grammar mistakes, especially missing apostrophes and no capitals where there should have been. I understand that sometimes typos are unavoidable, but there really were an awful lot, and they did start to distract from the story.

I really loved the character's voice in the first few paragraphs. It sounded natural, as if the character was talking, and it gave off some really good clues as to her personality. Unfortunately, the sense of character kind of faded later on, with the friends. It became a bit more neutral, and the voice changed. Even though the start didn't have perfect grammar, or writing, it felt real, and the story lost it a little bit. Try not to lose the character's personality just because there is action occurring.

I would have also liked to have the friends introduced in a way that showed a bit more of their relationship... I think this is a case of it is better to show, especially when showing the relationships between characters, rather than tell. It felt like they didn't really add anything to the story line, and I think you could have introduced them so that they were there for more than just to say goodbye.

Lastly, just watch your sentences. Some of them felt like they were too long, and could have sounded better if they were cut into two shorter sentences, or had a comma in them.

I really wish that my feedback could be more positive, but I think that this story could be really great with a bit more editing. If you have any questions, you can PM me, and keep up with your writing.





Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.