Young Writers Society

Hello Semi. well here I am for a review.

Well I feel like this is not even a poem more like just a bunch of questions that don't have much relation to each-other, also you are directing all these things at the reader and not all of them are exactly nice here it and example.

Semi wrote:you ain’t fucking shit.

That title is absolutely amazing, yo. That title, in fact, paired with the general subject matter of this poem, seems to be more of a poem in itself -- just those strong titles beg stories and personalities and viewpoints, which is amazing for just a title!

As for the poem, it could definitely use some work, right? I think so, but before I say why, I want you to think about what you think makes a poem different from a regular prose piece.

Did you think about it?

Really?

Just take a second to pause and write your opinion down somewhere.

I'll wait.

Really!

Are you ready?

I think a poem is different from prose because it has the ability to hit topics from the side. Prose is generally pretty straight-on. It can be moving, just like any straight description can be moving. Think of stories like For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Used. It's just presenting facts, but those fictional facts hit us hard. Poetry, however, has another path to follow. It wants to evoke emotions and play with language to open up new realizations in readers without just hitting them straight on. Poetry has the same power as those sentences that tell you to remember that you're breathing, then you become aware of your breathing and have to do it manually until you are distracted enough to forget about it.

So while I'm not saying I hate the material and the questions you ask here,
I am saying you can hit this material from another direction.

I don't exactly know how, 'cause this is your poem, and I don't know how you attack things sideways, but I'd recommend trying to hit one or two of the questions in these poems without saying the actual questions. Whatever that means to you. Bring out imagery -- scenes, moments, emotions, words that evoke the tone of what you want your reader to feel.

It's hard! You can PM me if you're interested in talking about it more, 'cause I'd love to talk, but not if you're uninterested.
If you have questions or comments about this review, leave a reply or send me a PM.
Good luck and keep writing!

Hey Samia! This is blackwater here for a review.
I'd like to agree with niteowl about the bold. The meaning of the poem is sort of lost because of that.

Your writing is powerful and calls out to people. I like the way you've portrayed your thoughts in such a bold manner. It certainly leads to a long train of thoughts. This is usually a topic which is avoided. Back here in India, we call this the "chalta hai" attitude. I loved the way you lead us to the periphery of the poem.

Although, I found some things which could be made better.
First off, structure.

Structure is an important part of poetry. Since this is such a thought provoking piece, some structure would present it better to a wider audience.

Next, the language.

I realize I have no rights to criticize this aspect but I feel that if you use subtle language, it could be targeted to a wider audience and that many more people can enjoy your work.

Lastly, the part about religion.

"Are you religious?
If so, what do you believe in?
In fact, that question is also directed to non-believers."

Although this is quite effective, it could use some structure. It could have been written this way:
"Are you religious?
If not, what do you believe in?
I direct this question to believers and their kin"

Lastly, I'll again say how much I loved your thought process. We need more people like you.
Keep writing.

Cheers,
Anagha

Hey Samia! This is blackwater here for a review.
I'd like to agree with niteowl about the bold. The meaning of the poem is sort of lost because of that.

Your writing is powerful and calls out to people. I like the way you've portrayed your thoughts in such a bold manner. It certainly leads to a long train of thoughts. This is usually a topic which is avoided. Back here in India, we call this the "chalta hai" attitude. I loved the way you lead us to the periphery of the poem.

Although, I found some things which could be made better.
First off, structure.

Structure is an important part of poetry. Since this is such a thought provoking piece, some structure would present it better to a wider audience.

Next, the language.

I realize I have no rights to criticize this aspect but I feel that if you use subtle language, it could be targeted to a wider audience and that many more people can enjoy your work.

Lastly, the part about religion.

"Are you religious?
If so, what do you believe in?
In fact, that question is also directed to non-believers."

Although this is quite effective, it could use some structure. It could have been written this way:
"Are you religious?
If not, what do you believe in?
I direct this question to believers and their kin"

Lastly, I'll again say how much I loved your thought process. We need more people like you.
Keep writing.

Cheers,
Anagha

Hi there Samia and welcome to YWS!

First off, I'd suggest getting rid of the bold. It might have been a formatting error, but if so, try to fix it. When everything is bold, the emphasis is lost so it just looks annoying. Make the words powerful, not the formatting.

Secondly, I think there's a good idea behind this poem. There's even a couple good images, like "Do you love through the screen".

Unfortunately, the message is lot in this wall of rhetorical questions. One or two questions can be effective, but after that the reader tunes out and starts looking for answers, which this poem doesn't really give. Also, the opening lines imply that everyone is either a robot or a slave, including the speaker.

Overall, this piece doesn't strike me as super thought-provoking. I think a better approach would be to illustrate your point. Show me the "robots" and the "slaves". What do they look like, say, do? Are they different from each other? If so how? More images would have a more lasting impression on readers than a bunch of questions.

Welcome again and keep writing!