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16+ Mature Content

How Not to Lose Your Virginity

by Sassafras


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

If I would have known
You thought that "Please stop" meant "Go"
I would have stayed home


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Sat Aug 10, 2013 4:04 pm
thebookthief says...



So powerful for so few words. Wow.




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:39 pm
mb1221 wrote a review...



Hi, this poem is really good. As mentioned previously, short, clear but important point you are making. Also, I notice that this is a 5-7-5 haiku :) I am terrible in poetry but I like reading and writing haikus. So, I enjoyed reading it. Congratulations! :)




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:21 pm
OrionX says...



Meaningful and short, perfect.




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:03 pm
cgirl1118 wrote a review...



This was simply amazing! Just three lines meant so much! Good job on that! Usually some people think that if you put more lines in a poem it'll have more meaning but nooo, all you need is this!

I have no things for you to correct! Which is great because tht saves a lot of time :).

Happy Writing,
Cgirl




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:53 pm
ArcticMonkey says...



This isn't a review, but just to say this is great!




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:22 pm
Cole says...



Genius. Reminds me of E. E. Cummings.




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:28 am
Paige says...



Brilliance.(:




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:12 am
Laminated says...



BAM.




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:36 am
ladcat13 says...



Very powerful. I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said.

Allon-sy!




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:15 am
xxFleetingEternity wrote a review...



This really hit home for me. You said so much in just these three, simple sentences, enough that you covered an entire story in seventeen words. The title fit perfectly with the haiku. There is a definite voice with the speaker and I think a lot of people will connect with this voice. Thank you for posting.

-xxFleetingEternity




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:15 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



This is going to be really short, but I just had a suggestion in keeping with Hannah's review. I think the first line would flow better if it read "If I had known," and then the rest of the poem remains as is.

Really powerful even though it's so short. You could've overdone it with a lot of melodrama, but you didn't. Kudos.

Feel free to message me with any questions about this review, or if you need anything.

Blue




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Fri Aug 09, 2013 12:39 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey love. I like that there's a lot of power in this short piece. It hits pretty hard for so few words. I don't know if this is based in reality, and even if it's not for you, it is for so many people, and it's words that need to be said, so I thank you for giving them air.

One thing that I would point out, though, is that the tense in your first line is odd. You're using the conditional perfect, which usually has two clauses. You're right that one of them uses "I would have", but the other should usually just be in the perfect tense. Like this:

If I had studied harder, I would have gotten a better score on the test.
If I had eaten breakfast, I would have been okay at noon.

So what I'm saying is your first line should be that perfect tense to complement the conditional -- the possibility -- that comes in your last line. "If I would have known, I would have stayed home."

It's simple and sparse, so get it solid!

I also like the ending. It doesn't say, "I would have hit you." or "I would have told someone." or "I would have run away." It's just the simple act of not going into that situation. How many things could this person have done at home? Watched a movie. Cleaned their room. Talked with their siblings or parents. Anything else but go there. It's not a matter of a dangerous rapist trying to track them down and being unstoppable at any turn, but the scarier kind of quiet abuser who just doesn't listen to the speaker's voice.

Thanks again for posting.
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck and keep writing.




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Thu Aug 08, 2013 11:42 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



I'm not really sure how to review this, since it's so short, but I'll do my best.

The title is very appropriate, and even though it is a haiku and therefore short, you get the message/plot across very well for being so limited in your ability to use words and language to your advantage.

I think that you could use some punctuation, like commas and periods at the ends of the lines, but I'm not sure what exactly the rules for writing a haiku are, and therefore I am not sure if that is allowed.

You definitely have a way with words, I would never have been able to do something like this.

Peace,
HT





Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero