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Nightmare-Prologue

by vjay


she woke up with a start and bumped her head on something hard.ouch!she hissed,she stretched her hand for her bedside lamp but she couldn't find it.

"where the hell is that lamp?":she asked.she got up to move around but again bumped her head on something above her,she rubbed her forehead.

"okay that's it,i'm gonna lift this hard stuff above me"she said and with that she lifted the hard stuff and a gush of wind poured on her face.she turned around and gasped,she was in a graveyard,she looked down and saw herself inside a coffin.she turned and that was when she saw it..............

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"


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Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:54 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

she woke up with a start and bumped her head on something hard.ouch!she hissed,she stretched her hand for her bedside lamp but she couldn't find it.

"where the hell is that lamp?":she asked.she got up to move around but again bumped her head on something above her,she rubbed her forehead.

"okay that's it,i'm gonna lift this hard stuff above me"she said and with that she lifted the hard stuff and a gush of wind poured on her face.she turned around and gasped,she was in a graveyard,she looked down and saw herself inside a coffin.she turned and that was when she saw it..............

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"


Well, that's definitely a nightmare there, very appropriate prologue there as far as making it relate to the title of this story goes...and on the whole for something as short as this particular prologue is, I feel like at first glance, this is a pretty solid little piece here.

Getting more into detail, something I noticed right off the bat is the startling lack of capitalization across pretty much every sentence here. I usually don't point out errors like that, but in this case its just everywhere and I'm wondering if that's on purpose or you genuinely haven't included the capitals cause this doesn't seem to be the type of thing that happens on accident.

That aside, the whole coffin situation is very creepy and the scream at the end acts as a lovely ending there for a prologue, a little mysterious jump scare like that always makes for a great cliffhanger. All in all, as far as the content goes, I liked it, its very simple, but also very effective. This is a book where I would definitely keep reading beyond this point here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:41 pm
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Equivocal wrote a review...



It is obvious from this work that you need a substantial amount of lessons, not only in grammar, but punctuation and editing. The thing is, is that I prize honesty. I feel it allows for people to see the truth when they may be blind by pride, or by being unwilling to accept the truth. As such, I am telling you that this is not very impressive, and if it were impressive it would be at how egregious a work can be. I mean this as politely as possible, but not everyone can write, and I am not saying you cannot, or that you can. I am merely admonishing the fact that to produce something of this quality is strikingly bad, and I am certain that you need to either evaluate your abilities, or simply begin again. So, continue writing if you love it, but remember that I am honest, and as such, will supply a review that is consistent with my convictions.



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eviehoward says...


I agree with you, but the author seems to have a problem with being told her work is not good.



Equivocal says...


Ha! I had not noticed, though I do believe that I should have acknowledged that very fact, considering I have yet to recieve a response to my review.



vjay says...


lol guys,thanks anyway for...well,i don't know,but um...am of the opinion that everybody has his own ideas,not that am saying yours is bad,okay,we all have our different perspective of viewing things,well thats why its a REVIEW,for you to drop your on views,you see the thing is when i wrote this work,i didn't re-read it that's why there are different mistakes here and also maybe the grammar,but you have to understand that i am from a different country from yours and the way we speak is obviously different from yours'.Then the punctuation,thanks about that,i realised some mistakes,nobody is perfect so don't go about it like you've never made a mistake before,like i said earlier on,i didn't re-read before i posted the stuff here.tnks anyway.



Equivocal says...


What is your native tongue, if not English?



vjay says...


are you an american?



vjay says...


are you an american?



Equivocal says...


I am Canadian. Why?



vjay says...


nothing



Equivocal says...


You still have not answered my question.



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 11:32 pm
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emim219 says...



I would have liked the prologue to be longer just by a smidgen! The other thing that I saw was capitalization, CAPITALIZE!! It makes it easier for the reader to tell were the sentence starts and finishes. Other then that it's has great potential to be a great story.




vjay says...


tnks,anyway



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:50 pm
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Caesar wrote a review...



I don't know where to start. You really need to consider capitalization for one. After every full stop, capital letter. Yes, it is compulsory.

You may also want to consider giving us more information about the setting. Where are they? When? Who is your main character. I can't give a proper critique until you inform the readers. I can't wrap my head around the fact she is, for an inexplicable reason, in a coffin. Slow down, give us more information. Where, Why, How, When, Who.

Hope this helped
~Ita




vjay says...


THAT'S WHY ITS A PROLOGUE,AM COMING WITH THE REST



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 8:13 pm
officiallyariotxoxo wrote a review...



First of all, you need capitals!

"she woke up with a start and bumped her head on something hard.ouch!she hissed, she stretched her hand for her bedside lamp but she couldn't find it."
I don't know what you meant with 'woke up with a start.'
It should be:

She woke up with a start and bumped her head on something hard. "Ouch!" She hissed. She stretched her hand to reach for her bedside table, but she couldn't find it.

^^^^

The next paragraph:

"where the hell is that lamp?:she asked.she got up to move around but again bumped her head on something above her,she rubbed her forehead.

You need spaces!
It should be:

"Where the hell is that lamp?" She asked. She got up to move around, but again, bumped her head on something above her. She rubbed her forehead.

Next paragraph:

"okay that's it,i'm gonna lift this hard stuff above me"she said and with that she lifted the hard stuff and a gush of wind poured on her face.she turned around and gasped,she was in a graveyard,she looked down and saw herself inside a coffin.she turned and that was when she saw it..............

It should be:

"Okay, that's it. I'm gonna lift this hard stuff above me." She said. And with that, she lifted the hard stuff and a gush of wind poured on her face. She turned around and gasped. She was in a grave yard. She looked down and saw herself inside a coffin. She turned and that was when she saw it.....

"Aaaaaaaah"

Hope I helped :)




vjay says...


TNKS,i appreciate



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 6:13 pm
CallMeDee says...



well actually,i think this book is great. i;m not a professional so i cant say. is this a review? idk. i just




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Wed Aug 07, 2013 4:30 pm
eviehoward wrote a review...



So unfortunately I cannot say much good about this prologue at this time.
Your punctuation and style is not good, to put it simply. You haven't put in any capitals, you have random full stops in sentences and you used a colon in a sentence where there is no reason to put it there.

You need to go away and at least make sure it is correct before publishing it again.
I'm sorry that I cannot say anything positive, but what do you expect when you put up this uneducated piece of work? A 10 year old knows how to put in correct punctuation.

On the content I have to say that this does not interest me in the slightest. A prologue is supposed to make you want to continue reading but I just want to run away. You've just listed what's happening. You need to entice the reader not bore them! I love horror, thrillers and fantasy which is why I came to your story.

If you need any help feel free to PM me, I am happy to help with your writing.




vjay says...


i would like to see a work of yours before i say anything


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eviehoward says...


Well it's all available on this site. Just take a look.



vjay says...


are you a critic,if yes,be constructive


Random avatar
eviehoward says...


I was constructive. I simply said you needed to go back and edit your work. Pretty much everyone else here has said the same as me. I am only here to help you make your work the best it can be, I'm sorry if you see this as an attack of some sort.



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:55 pm
221B wrote a review...



This is an interesting piece, but it seems out of place, like you took part of the actual prologue and put it up. Firstly, you need to pay attention to your grammar. There are numerous mistakes in this piece. The beginning of every sentence should be capitalized and if someone is speaking you should have it in quotation marks ("____"). Many of your sentences are choppy and have commas where there should be periods "She got up to move around... rubbed her forehead." This should be two sentences. "She rubbed her forehead," by itself, though, would need something else to go with it, otherwise it would be short and very choppy sounding.

Who is the girl you are talking about? You keep saying "she" but you give no inside as to who "she" is. You don't have a name or description at all. That is fine, sometimes you can pull that off, but you have to change the word you use to describe her if you want to do it this way. Instead of saying "she" over and over again try switching it up with something like "the girl" or "the young female".

Be careful when using extra letters or punctuation marks in things. If you are going to be an ellipse, it should only be three dots, not fifteen. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah", is also unpleasant to read and could be shortened to just "Aah!" and give the same effect.

There are a lot of little things you need to work on, grammar and sentence structure mainly, but you have a good idea! Maybe try out the Buddy System to find a mentor that can help you edit your pieces before you post them.

I'd love to see where you take this idea!
~ 221B




vjay says...


well ,thanks anyway



vjay says...


but i guess,you have a point,i'm kinda new here and um...whats the buddy system



221B says...


The Buddy System is a way for new writers to get a mentor to assist them in their writing. They will show you around the site, help you get involved and possibly help review your work. The thread for it is here: The Buddy System ^^




The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
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