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Tick Tock

by kayfortnight


When summer flits by like a butterfly

And an hour lasts a year,

Then I can hear,

Tick tock goes the clock.

Children squirm in their seats

Waiting to be free.

I lie awake in the dark

Wondering when time will stop.

Sunrise to sunset,

The phases of the moon,

Seasons come and go,

And the Earth orbits the sun.

When did the time go?

A year since I was a babe,

A day from childhood,

An hour to independence.

Tick tock goes the clock.

Will time ever stop?

The years come and go,

But a minute lasts forever.


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56 Reviews


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Reviews: 56

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:19 pm
AmethystNight wrote a review...



This is great, a lovely and unique perspective on time passing. I like the length, not too long, not too short - it's quite appropriate not to use up too much time on a poem about time.

A year since I was a babe,

A day from childhood,

An hour to independence.

I adore this bit. It's very relatable and perfectly demonstrates the way that we feel as we grow up about the passing of time. You've managed to capture the different feelings we have towards time very well in this poem, how it passes too slowly and then seems to have disappeared over night. Brilliant.
I love how you end the piece as well. It has a very definite feeling to it and seems to sum up the poem very well.
Children squirm in their seats

Waiting to be free.

You could do with a comma here after 'seats' and there's another bit right after that where you could do with a comma too. However, that was all I could find that I would change. Great job. I really enjoyed it.
Happy writing.




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Tue Aug 06, 2013 1:24 pm
Skydreamer wrote a review...



Hey I'm gonna review your poem! XD It looks interesting.

I'll be quoting and then commenting/suggesting/editing. Also before I start I wonder if you wanted to make it into stanza's but then couldn't because you've been having problems with spacing's, cause that happens to me. If you are having problems with the spacing I would suggest maybe exasperating it with *** <--- those or even just periods or ~ <--- those. They help when the spacing isn't listening, just maybe for next time and if it works with your poem.

All edits within the quotes are bolded.

When summer floats by like a butterfly

And an hour lasts a year,

Then I can hear,

Tick tock goes the clock.


Hey this is looking good! I like how you connected summer with a butterfly because summer us usually seen as a beautiful and special time, and butterflies are beautiful and special insects. That said though, I think that "flits" has a striking difference to the word "by" so when you read it, it doesn't flow like it could, and thus I'd suggest changing "flits" to "floats" as bolded in the quote. Or if not "floats" I think the simple "flies" would be good, or "flutters" by. I like floats because it's a sort of soothing and calm tone and I think it's good for the start, but then again it's more simple so it's up to you.

For the third line I would actually omit the word "can" I think that it is not really needed nor would it affect your flow if it was taken out. So it could just as well be:

"Then I hear,

Tick tock; goes the clock."

Or something like that. I suggest this because you are adding "goes the clock" which is another statement, along with the sound. If you had just put "Tick tock" that would be better than "Tick tock goes the clock" you understand me? XP What I'm trying to say is, it sounds like you're saying then I hear tick tock and I hear goes the clock. So I think separating tick tock from the statement "there goes the clock is a good idea. Either that or rephrasing that first line. I think that it's a good idea because it's hard to phrase in a way that not only matches your flow and rhyme, but also makes sense in the sense, that someone doesn't hear "goes the clock." In all I'd just recommend you read that first part again, and see if it could be re-figured. But it's a nice tune.

Children squirm in their seats

Waiting to be free.

I lie awake in the dark

Wondering when time will stop.


I thought this was interesting, the comparison was very different though, which is fine, but something to point out. And yeah, it was good, I understand the "stop" was to rhyme with the "clock" that was before. I would suggest using different themes of time, and maybe expanding a little with the ideas.

Sunrise to sunset,

The phases of the moon,

Seasons come and go,

And the Earth orbits the sun.


This is interesting because the rhyme seemed to change, and perhaps this isn't a rhyming poem? It's alright because I know that I do the same thing, in a sense, sometimes I lose my rhyming scheme and such, but I'm just wondering if that's what occurred or, if this was not meant to be rhyming at all. This was good though, simple but nice writing, and like Hannah said I liked the idea you have.

When did the time go?

A year since I was a babe,

A day from childhood,

An hour to independence.

Tick tock goes the clock.


Okay I thought this was interesting because it was symbolic and I liked that. I thought that it made it interesting and I think that it's cool how you symbolized how short time really is. But I am guessing the independence is to summer? Or graduation? I couldn't really tell. That's the one line that really caught me off guard, independence how? You started the poem talking about how summer is, and summer is free, and now it seems as if the poem is talking about being free again. So I just found it a tad confusing other than that this was interesting and I liked it.


Will time ever stop?

The years come and go,

But a minute lasts forever.


I agree, it seems like time will never stop. XP And I liked this for an ending I thought that it was good, and was a great way to sum up everything you had written especially since you talked of the character in the poem thinking about when time will stop, and then in the end you concluded that it was a resounding question. I just liked that. It's important how one closes a story like poem and you did it very well!

Overall:

Overall I did like the poem and I liked the idea of the "Tick tock goes the clock" but in the beginning I felt that it did not connect with the sentence well and it confused me a bit how it was placed. So my main advice would be to go back and look at that again. Other than that I thought it was good and it was interesting to read!

:D

--Keep writing and Keep dreaming.




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Tue Aug 06, 2013 12:42 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, Kay!

This is a really interesting idea for a poem. I especially like the possibility of the last line:

The years come and go,

But a minute lasts forever.


Because it's true that we can't really recall years as years and everything that happened in them. We recall only those moments, those memories. Longer memories often boil down to smells or general feelings, I think. So I like the possibility of exploring the strange way we move through time.

Something I think you could work on, potentially, in future poems, would be playing with scenes in your poems. I know you also write prose, so you know there are moments where you skip over large chunks of time with just bare description to keep the reader caught up, and there are other moments when you slow down and take the time to describe the whole scene. I think bringing that level of closeness and specificity to a poem would do it well. For example, even though I like the idea of a minute lasting forever, I'd be more connected to this poem if I knew what that minute was for the speaker. Or if I were encouraged through a specific scene to recall a specific scene of my own. We use your poems as mirrors to our lives. If they give us only vague direction, we're not accessing any really strong emotions. But if you give us sharp mirrors, we will feel more and thus remember more!

But like I said, you have a good concept. I also like the odd, surreal feeling that you evoke when you write this passage:

A year since I was a babe,

A day from childhood,

An hour to independence.


And if you were to edit, I'd like to see that explored more!

Hopefully this will be helpful to you, love. (: PM me if you have any comments or questions about my review!

Good luck and keep writing~




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Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:42 pm
malinda542 wrote a review...



I really enjoyed the rhyming that was going on in the beginning of the poem, I wish you would have kept going with that throughout the poem. I enjoy the concept, the idea of a minute lasting forever and a the rest of time just sort of slipping away. I remember to how badly I wanted to be an adult (I'm 19 now, not really an adult but you get my point) and now I'm kind a wish I was back in high school- only a little bit, this poem definitely spoke to that. However I feel like some of the phrases you used "sunrise to sunset" and "seasons come and go" were a little bit cliche and took away from the overall message you were trying to achieve. I do love the last two lines though "the years come and go, but a minute lasts forever" Good job.





Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant