Young Writers Society

Wow, this is great. The flow is nice, but for some reason "I hang onto the phone" feels too wordy, so i'd suggest shortening that line a bit.

I love this extended metaphor but I feel like you use the word 'phone' too often, so I'd suggest replacing phone with it a bit more often.

I'd also might consider if I were you breaking it into a few stanzas, but I don't think it's that big of a deal; it might just be me who likes short stanzas, and this one didn't feel like the stanza was too long since the lines were short and it flowed very well.

I love the sort of casual feel of the poem.

Great job here.

Hope this review helped!

Happy Review Day! : )
-tgirly

Spinelli! I love you! I've missed your sharpness! Let's start with what i like about this poem:

I love the simple beginning. I love the simplicity of the statement that the line is always busy and it's usually like that. Since that's the very beginning of your piece, you open it up to let people think about what a busy line means to them. For most, it evokes disappointment or nervous waiting, and you're already right into the tone that you want without over reaching or really saying anything toward any opinion.

I also love this:

I often disconnect myself,

Hi there!

A quick review for a short work

Right, let's look at the punctuation. You have lots of commas. Some don't even need to be there. Write out the entire work, prose style, then delete all unnecessary commas. Put it back together. Also, you only have commas and full stops. Go for the dash! Go for the colon, the beautiful semi-colon, because careful use of colorful punctuation can do so much more! Using different punctuation at important points adds a dimension to the poem and really helps the reader understand the work better.

I think you have a lot of depth to this poem, but you need to release it with a few lovely poetic devices. Try some assonance and alliteration, metaphors and more concrete imagery. Don't make it just another poem—feed it with anything that will take it a level up and give the reader more insight and more visuals. Don't just talk about calling, talk about turning the dusty dial and listening to it whirring back into place. (My sister still has one of those oooold phones that you have to do that with.) Talk about the dirty cream color of the receiver, that never gets any brighter no matter how you clean it. Talk about the huge back copies of district phone books in the cupboard, stacked haphazardly, stained and dog-eared. Make it special It is about nostalgia, after all. Drink in each moment, as it might not last that long!

So that's it with my quick tips today Keep writing—this is great!

barefootrunner

Formatting:
Use Shift-enter to miss one line
like I just did.

Otherwise using enter misses

a gap like so.

I like this about telephones, and how landlines are becoming redundant. You get across multiple messages in this poem, the first about what I just mentioned, and the second about the seemingly lonely person.

From this poem I imagine and older person who is still in with the phones, and everyone around them is ditching the land-lines so the calls get more rare and precious.
A suggestions would be-
In this line

there’s no one’s on the other end anymore.

um ok i can't figure out the formatting, just imagine four-line stanzas. yay ok.