Published August 3, 2013
Psychohomichlophobia.
I do believe I exhibit such trepidation.
Of what, you might inquire?
Psychonebulaphobia.
Such an epidemic that's swept the nation,
Restraining us from reaching higher.
Ignorant to the call of the euphonia,
Wherefore shalt a man dispel creation?
Perhaps, in lugubrious manner, he doth tire.
. . .
. . .
Echninoderms may branch out,
With stars and spires.
Nonetheless, they exhibit a quality,
For which I've no desire.
Pertaining to such biota of the earth,
Even the viral infections of the hearth.
. . .
. . .
Derived from the Pleistocene, oh grandeur Eukaryota.
Our neurons function with introspective cytota.
We may envision the photons, illustrious, divine.
Me may contemplate existence, not malevolent nor benign.
. . .
. . .
Homo sapiens.
Such a gift, have we!
Fruitful species, peering into the depths of eternity!
I advise you not slander your gift aplenty,
For it pertains only to you.
Unveil your lexicon in all that you do.
. . .
. . .
Contemplate the complex.
Hearken to the heavens!
Engender within, a mathematical haruspex.
Vapors engulf lackadaisical minds, oxidizing them into heathens.
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137,676 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
hey,
this poem reminded me of a poem by Dean Young in his book title Skid. unfortunately I can't remember the title of the poem and I don't have access to the book right now as it's 3000 miles away in Alaska. what I can say is that the poem has a kind of floating, otherworldly feel to it like your poem does. if you'd like I'll try to send you a link to it if I can find it online. it would be good for you to read as an example of how to get the most out of that type of voice.
my biggest suggestion for revision is to make this poem as specific as possible. the language was fanciful, but there wasn't much in terms of concrete imagery. poetry is most effective when it has texture, when it appeals to our senses. and in order to do that you need to avoid abstractions.
also the rhyming. not really sure how I feel about it. my opinion of rhyme in poetry is that, unless it is strictly metered it should be buried in the line. meaning keep the rhyming words but don't use them in the line breaks. consider breaking the poem up into smaller stanzas, tiny little morsels with just three or four words to each line and two or three lines per stanza. the result would be a softer, more even-tempered voice with which you could include a little hint of malice. read some of Charles Simic's work as an example.
let me know if you have any questions and keep writing.
Hey Seraph!
Shady here with a review for you this fine evening. c:
I...dearly love this poem. It is awesome. < 3
Your title drew me in (I love big words so much 8D), even though, I'll admit, I had to look up what psychohomichlophobia is. It's fascinating, really. As is your poem. I like how you use, big words throughout the poem. It made it quite fun to read.
You were very creative in your line structures, making for a good flow as well as a good rhyme scheme. Very nice. I have no complaints. And I love big words. Did I mention that? xD It's great. c: Scientists FTW!
Keep rocking!
~Shady
I really like this, the use of long words which slowly become more and more crazy, then finally merging the scientific with some religious proclamations really makes an impact. I am not sure what it is actually about, but the craziness of it sure leaves a mark on the reader.
Heres a couple of tips.
I know you are putting in huge contrasts here but I think that you should still use 'I' not 'me'. Even though you create the sense of craziness it is also completely covered in sophisticated words and using the word Me rather than I displays aspects of rudimentary comprehension of language in which I feel does not suit the voice of them poem, especially since you use I in all other aspects.
I was unsure if these proper nouns work as well, if they are that is. I like the abstract randomostity of the words but these two feel quite out of place in repetitiveness to the rest of the poem.
I liked it, good work.
Goodness! such words exist? This is an awesome poem I just wish I could understand half of it..
Uh... In English perhaps? Maybe dumb it down for some of us? Definitions of what the heck you're talking about? Not everyone is a Sheldon Cooper, you know.
So, we're not all aspiring scientists? Well, that's a buzz kill. xD
Haha! Which parts do you feel require explanation? :3
Good lord I need a dictionary.
I really liked it
Thank you very much! XD
Seraph wut
Pardon?
The last verse caught me entirely by surprise. I was expecting this to be a truly grandiose tribute to mankind's intellect, but no, that cynical final observation -- which I agree with entirely -- gave the poem a whole other sense. Bravo, Seraph, bravo.
I feel, however, your third stanza is redundant. It gives no further sense to the poem, in my eyes it's just fancy embellishment. We understand you are a master of polysyllabic words, no need to rub it in our faces.
Your second stanza also, this verse here:
I see this as a second story you're trying to tell. By the end of your poem, I understand you're expressing an opinion on the ignorance mankind can fall into, but that verse is unclear to me. What do you mean by it? Perhaps you could elaborate on it.
That's pretty much all I have to say on this. Though, I feel this is mostly due to your powerful grasp of the english language (big words), more than the actual meaning of this poem, which is not very original. Your use of the aforesaid big words can be confusing to most - for example Pervaded. Simply googling it sometimes isn't enough -- even though I'm sure you realize this, and wrote nonetheless. However here you stopped at the big words a little too soon, conveying the content of this poem in the final stanza alone.
It is, in my opinion, not quite enough. Perhaps you should sacrifice some of the embellishment for more 'meat', so to speak.
Hope I could help
~Ita
Thank you very much! As for that quality that I speak of, that's the inability to think clear, livid thoughts; an absence of mental acuity.
Dedicate another poem to that pls
I'll look into it.
Seraph. You're amazing. <3
Oh hush. You're making me blush. ;D
She's just stating the truth, Matthew.
Hi there, Seraph!
As an idea, I like this poem. I think the point you're trying to get across is interesting. Normally, I really don't care for pieces smothered in "big words," but since it contributed to the meaning of the poem, I didn't mind it so much. I don't really have any critiques on the content; I thought it was wonderful. I do, however, have a few suggestions with the structure or technical aspects of it.
Rhyme Scheme
I'm not a fan of most rhyming poems. I feel as though many poets write for the rhymes, instead of the rhymes contributing to the poem as a whole. If something doesn't fit, it tends to come out sounding forced and awkward. But if you're dead-set on rhyming, I strongly suggest following a pattern. To me, when different line numbers rhyme in their respective stanzas, it either sounds a)accidental or b)half-hearted. Focus more on what you want to say, rather than on a rhyme scheme. If a rhyme scheme happens to fall into place, fantastic! But don't write a poem to rhyme.
Consistency of Language
The majority of the poem is in modern English, and then this pops up:
I found the sudden use of "shalt" and "doth" rather distracting. If you had been consistent with your Shakespearian English, I might have liked it. I know it's tedious, but as you polish this piece, really look at every word with a critical eye and ask yourself if it contributes to or detracts from the poem as a whole.
That's about it for now! Great start on this.
Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-
Thank you for your input.