Young Writers Society

hey,

this poem reminded me of a poem by Dean Young in his book title Skid. unfortunately I can't remember the title of the poem and I don't have access to the book right now as it's 3000 miles away in Alaska. what I can say is that the poem has a kind of floating, otherworldly feel to it like your poem does. if you'd like I'll try to send you a link to it if I can find it online. it would be good for you to read as an example of how to get the most out of that type of voice.

my biggest suggestion for revision is to make this poem as specific as possible. the language was fanciful, but there wasn't much in terms of concrete imagery. poetry is most effective when it has texture, when it appeals to our senses. and in order to do that you need to avoid abstractions.

also the rhyming. not really sure how I feel about it. my opinion of rhyme in poetry is that, unless it is strictly metered it should be buried in the line. meaning keep the rhyming words but don't use them in the line breaks. consider breaking the poem up into smaller stanzas, tiny little morsels with just three or four words to each line and two or three lines per stanza. the result would be a softer, more even-tempered voice with which you could include a little hint of malice. read some of Charles Simic's work as an example.

let me know if you have any questions and keep writing.

Hey Seraph!

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening. c:

I...dearly love this poem. It is awesome. < 3

Your title drew me in (I love big words so much 8D), even though, I'll admit, I had to look up what psychohomichlophobia is. It's fascinating, really. As is your poem. I like how you use, big words throughout the poem. It made it quite fun to read.

You were very creative in your line structures, making for a good flow as well as a good rhyme scheme. Very nice. I have no complaints. And I love big words. Did I mention that? xD It's great. c: Scientists FTW!

Keep rocking!

~Shady

I really like this, the use of long words which slowly become more and more crazy, then finally merging the scientific with some religious proclamations really makes an impact. I am not sure what it is actually about, but the craziness of it sure leaves a mark on the reader.

Heres a couple of tips.

Me may contemplate existence, not malevolent nor benign.

Derived from the Pleistocene, oh grandeur Eukaryota.

Goodness! such words exist? This is an awesome poem I just wish I could understand half of it..

Uh... In English perhaps? Maybe dumb it down for some of us? Definitions of what the heck you're talking about? Not everyone is a Sheldon Cooper, you know.

Good lord I need a dictionary.

I really liked it

Seraph wut

The last verse caught me entirely by surprise. I was expecting this to be a truly grandiose tribute to mankind's intellect, but no, that cynical final observation -- which I agree with entirely -- gave the poem a whole other sense. Bravo, Seraph, bravo.

I feel, however, your third stanza is redundant. It gives no further sense to the poem, in my eyes it's just fancy embellishment. We understand you are a master of polysyllabic words, no need to rub it in our faces.

Your second stanza also, this verse here:

For which I've no desire.

Seraph. You're amazing. <3

Hi there, Seraph!

As an idea, I like this poem. I think the point you're trying to get across is interesting. Normally, I really don't care for pieces smothered in "big words," but since it contributed to the meaning of the poem, I didn't mind it so much. I don't really have any critiques on the content; I thought it was wonderful. I do, however, have a few suggestions with the structure or technical aspects of it.

Rhyme Scheme
I'm not a fan of most rhyming poems. I feel as though many poets write for the rhymes, instead of the rhymes contributing to the poem as a whole. If something doesn't fit, it tends to come out sounding forced and awkward. But if you're dead-set on rhyming, I strongly suggest following a pattern. To me, when different line numbers rhyme in their respective stanzas, it either sounds a)accidental or b)half-hearted. Focus more on what you want to say, rather than on a rhyme scheme. If a rhyme scheme happens to fall into place, fantastic! But don't write a poem to rhyme.

Consistency of Language
The majority of the poem is in modern English, and then this pops up:

Wherefore shalt a man dispel creation?

Perhaps, in lugubrious manner, he doth tire.