z

Young Writers Society


16+

To See Your Reflection Part 1

by Cutieexox666


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

[Savannah]

My long dirty blonde hair flowed behind me as I ran through the halls of Harmore high school. The mob of girls had almost caught up to me, and I was starting to lose my breath. I made it out the doors but tripped on a stone on the front lawn. They all crowded around me.

"I can't believe I ever liked you. God, you are such a disgrace to the school!" Amanda boomed angrily. The others nodded and mumbled harsh judgements.

I gasped for air and managed to squeeze out, "I'm still the same person.."

"Yeah. Guess you were just a queer all along." Kate sneered.

"Queers like you need to be taught a lesson!" Emilee shouted in my face, and the other girls all roared in agreement. A drop of saliva fell from Emilee's mouth, and all of a sudden everything was in slow motion. Everyone hacked up some spit and shot at me. I became covered in saliva, since the shield of the forearms wasn't strong enough.

As the spitting ended, Janice kicked my side and flung me over onto my stomach. I landed with a loud thud. And then everything went black.

~3 years earlier~

[Cherrie]

"I knew you were seeing her! I knew it!" I could hear Mum cry from my room.

"That's not true! You're a liar!" Dad shouted back.

"Then why were there two meals on the receipt? Why was your business trip 'extended'?! Why has she only recently been greeting me?"

"God, you're such an intrusive bitch!"

"Maybe I don't want you to split up this family? Have you ever thought of that?"

A door slammed. I felt strongly that I should interfere, but I didn't. To drown out Mum's crying, I slipped on my headphones and blasted some Beatles.


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Points: 340
Reviews: 8

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 11:44 am
Alora wrote a review...



I was intrigued by this first chapter, quite riveting! Both scenes held enough tension to have me yearning to read more. Like others have suggested, this chapter could be longer. Possibly delve further in the second scene with the way Cherrie's feeling while her parents argue? Another thing for me was the line; 'Emilee shouted in my face, and the other girls all roared in agreement'. I felt like 'other girls' and 'all' didn't need to go together, maybe try using just the one, something like 'Emilee shouted in my face with the other girls roaring in agreement' ? (just a suggestion).

I like the direction of storyline and I'm keen to follow it. A great impression so far, well done :-)




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65 Reviews


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Sat Aug 03, 2013 9:31 am
deleted17 wrote a review...



This was shorter than I expected. What the hell is wrong with the other girls?

Good job with the writing... Maybe a little bit more of something, like history and names and where they are? That would make it a little longer. Probably would add a some depth to this story, but I think I know what it's about thanks to your very good foreshadowing.

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader




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Fri Aug 02, 2013 11:28 pm
veeren wrote a review...



Yo. First off, welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy your time here as much as we all do.
Second, this is quite a short work for a chapter.

While it's fairly well written, as in no grammatical errors that are too noticeable, it feels like it's missing something. You definitely have emotion in the piece, as I feel the fear as the narrator tries to escape the crowd, and the anger of the crowd itself. The emotion you put forwards is easily captured by the reader, but I don't think it was enough. By the end of the passage we've felt the emotion you want us to feel, but we don't keep the feeling. You know? No? Okay I'll explain.

When we read what you write, we feel, when we stop, we don't. It doesn't have a lasting effect. It doesn't exactly make me want to read more, it doesn't keep me in suspense. However that may because it seems this is going down a cliche path of the narrator getting beat up, blacking out, and then waking up either bruised and battered or saved by a new character. Basically, it's like I've seen it all before.

This isn't to say your story is bad at all. You have an excellent start for a novel here, you just need a bit of work to make it a bit more interesting. The topic you chose, if I understand correctly, is quite controversial, so that alone will add a great twist to your story and I'd love to see where it goes. Had that detail not been introduced however, this would not be half as interesting. So congratz for throwing a new ingredient into the mixture.

Other than that, you've done a well job here. Like I said, it was well written, an interesting topic, all you need now is a great plot to follow it up. We haven't learned much about any characters yet, and I'm hoping that will be introduced later. So until then good job, and keep up the good work.

Feel free to message me when new parts are posted so I can stay up to date, even if i don't review ;)




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Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:52 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Cutieexox! Here to review your story!

At first glance, this is pretty short but I still think that you've done a fantastic job at leaving a cliff-hanger and just leaving so many unanswered questions that leave me wanting to read more! I mean in such a short space, there's was loads of suspense and tension, and even though I literally know nothing about the characters, setting or ANYTHING, you've still done a great job at this, so well done! I thought that this was a really big strong point of this piece, because I've often found it's something that's really hard to do- jumping right in with the action on the first chapter. I mean loads of people choose to go in the other direction, which probably is the safer option and whatnot, but here it works really well!

Now, I do have a few suggestions for this piece. I mean, even though it's the sort of thing which we don't want loads of detailed descriptions of like the weather or something, we still want some! And this is actually really short too, so I don't think there'd be any harm in adding a bit more. I guess the first thing you might wanna talk about is perhaps describing just something! Maybe you could start with one of these girls who are chasing her, and maybe just talk about their physical appearance or something. What I'm trying to get at here is there's not really much for the reader's to imagine in their head, because it's all a big vague, so I say don't be afraid to flesh out on some details! Perhaps you could talk about how dirty the school halls are that she's running down.

I made it out the doors but tripped on a stone on the front lawn.

Here you could talk about the impact of the fall, and maybe how much it hurt.

Also, I think something that was missing here was the MC's thoughts. I mean she must be absolutely terrified, maybe even confused? I'm not sure of the back story that leads to these events, but I think it would be good to include more of an interior monologue about how she's feeling. Is she nervous, scared? Is her heart beating really fast? Was she expecting this all to happen? Was this all a big misunderstanding? I probably sound like one of those annoying toddlers who ask loads of questions, but I think the answers to those sorts of questions would be some important things to include in this chapter.

Overall, this was a good first chapter which built loads of suspense and tension. It was fast and action-packed, which is a really cool and effective style to write in for a first chapter. My main critiques with this is just to do with the length, as in there was quite a bit missing of description and thoughts. You've probably got an amazing idea of this scene is your head, but the readers don't, so try and communicate that to the readers using as much detail as possible. And don't forget to include what characters are thinking, because that makes them seem more real. Anyways, I hope this review helped! Feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.

Keep writing!
~Arc x





"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be."
— Albus Dumbledore