z

Young Writers Society


12+

Love Doesn't Have Age Limits -Part 1-

by AnimeLover13


(My POV)

It was early in the morning the sun was half way up and I was still asleep in my nice cozy bed, though of course I knew it was a school day today but there were times when I just want to sleep in!

Yeah I know I'm lazy but can you blame me? I know you guys would rather stay at home and lazy around all day while others would like a normal school education, graduate and go to college...but for me? I'd rather sleep in for an entire week than go to school....

Though there IS one reason why I go to school....but I don't think I wanna tell you guys!

As I stayed in bed, the door opened footsteps walking to my bed; stirring as I hear my curtains slide open opening one eye I look to see who was in my room only to be blinded by the now risen bright sun "ah! the light it burns!!" I quickly cover my face with my covers my mom rolls her eyes and takes the cover off of me "no sleeping in you have school today!" my mom said I pouted "but I don't wanna go to school!" I remarked whining.

"No buts! I want you to march right to that bathroom and get ready, come down stairs and eat your breakfast" she demanded sighing in defeat I nod "O.k fine..." she gives a small smile "thank you princess".

Now that that's over and done with I guess I should introduce myself...my name is Brieanna Dye I'm 13 years old and go to Orlando FL, Orange County Elementary School I have one older sister and one brother who's one year younger than me we're twins and we go to the same school sadly...my mom calls us Minuses;though you guys should be smart enough to know what that means.

She goes out of my room and as she does I get my butt out of bed getting ready to do my daily routine, once I was done with that I make my way downstairs to see my dad already left for work and my 12 year old bother who was eating cereal "morning" I said as I greeted my mom and brother "morning" they replied and I take my seat at the table starting to eat breakfast; trying to ignore my brother who was making stupid faces at me.

"Mom can you tell Junior to stop making faces at me? it's getting annoying!" "Lil' Bonnie stop making faces at your sister" sticking my tongue out at him he stops.

Finishing my bowl of Corn Pops I take my lunchbag out of the fridge, getting my Hannah Montana backpack slinging it over my shoulder my brother getting his stuff too "come on Junior let's go" we make our way to the door and mom comes and gives us a kiss on the cheek "have a good day at school you two!".

Nodding we replied "we will!" we make our way outside and get our bikes starting to ride our way to school.

As we did we stopped when we saw Michael....Michael was a friend of my brother's me and him get along well sometimes...but the problem is I have a crush on my broter's best friend...his name is Michael Andrews he's 14 years old and goes to the same school as us we share some classes together..such as Science, Computer Lab;and Art...

"Brie!" Junior yelled trying to get my attention making me snap out of my thoughts "huh what?" "Michael's walking to school with us let's go!" "o-oh ok!" 'oh great just when I thought I could try not to think about him this happens..

We once again continue to make our way to school and on the way Michael and my brother talked, everyonce in a while I'd glance at him and he'd catch me with a smirk on his face which just drove me crazy!

Once we made it me and my brother put our bikes on the bike racks and headed to class his was Ms.Smothers (don't make fun of her name!) and I had mine was Mrs.Jasmine the teacher who I loved and was my favorite!

I take a seat between my two best friends Shalavierre (don't really know how to spell it) and Kiasha I was so glad we weren't late!

(SKIP SCIENCE CLASS)

We had Mr.Adams' class Science he was pretty cool we watched an Owl Watch Cam learned about the solar system,until it was time for some science experiments he paired us up and guess who I was stuck with...Michael.

"Today we are going to experiment with a plastic bag, string and last but not least a parachute dummy!" we kids lightly cheered I was excited for this experiment and being paired with Michael even though we didn't talk much.

When we finished making our experiment parachutes, we get our little test dummies and tested them out they worked! it was so cool! then Mr.A had us do a little race to see who's parachute could reach the ground first we came in second; we may didn't win but it was kinda fun.

Soon it was time to talk among ourselves while we waited for our teachers to pick us up.

"You're looking pretty today..." Michael finally spoke up and I blushed "thanks..you too" he raised a brow at me and chuckled realizing what I said I blush like an idiot "n-no! I-I-I mean you're looking handsome! I didn't mean it like t-that!" he grinned at my blushing face which made me even more embarrassed "e-err..." "you're pretty cute when your mind is all over the blast" he complimented I lightly tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear "t-thanks" I looked down and we once again are left in silence.

Finally or teachers picked us up we did some work had a few bathroom breaks and what not...we had a few classes and had lunch.

It was now time for everyone to go to school though I had After School Activities with Mrs.Jasmine had to practice fractions, multiplying (the harder ones not the kiddie one) when it was time for me and the after schoolers to go I walk out of the school only to find Michael...waiting for me? 'I thought he'd gone home by now.....' as if reading my mind he answers "I stayed to walk you home" my eyes widen "what? no it's fine! you don't have to!" he shakes his head "I'm not letting a defenseless girl walk home by her self" "hey! I am not defenseless I can take perfectly care of myself!" he grinned "that's what you sy now come on " I guess he wasn't gonna take No for an answer..so I let him walk me home.

But on the way we ran into...........

(SORRY TO LEAVE IT AT HERE GUYS hope I leave you guys in suspense until the next chapter! buh-bye!)


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32 Reviews


Points: 568
Reviews: 32

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Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:46 am
abbie651382 wrote a review...



Hi! Abbie's here to review.

I love this story and your tone is light. It's great. There are just some improvements to be made though.

First off, the punctuation marks. You need to correct the usage of your punctuation marks. There were just some sentences which did not end in period. Maybe, you could proofread those. They're just tiny mistakes. :)

Second thing is when you write a conversation, you separate each dialogue in paragraphs. For example,

"Ah! The light it burns!!" I quickly covered my face with my covers. --->There's redundancy here.

My mom rolled her eyes and took the cover off of me. "No sleeping in. You have school today!" my mom said.

I pouted. "But I don't wanna go to school!" I remarked, whining.

--
Another point is your tenses. You have to unify your tenses. When you set in the past, use past tense and so on. In this story, I was kind of confused if this was set in present tense or past tense because you mixed the two tenses all throughout your story.

Overall, this story is just so good! It has a great potential. You're still young. Keep writing! Hope I helped. :D




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Points: 562
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Sat Aug 03, 2013 10:10 pm
thearisen wrote a review...



Hi, I'm thearisen, and I'm going to be reviewing this piece of writing. This is the first review that I've made on this website, and I'm not as much of a great writer (hopefully that'll change), but I hope it'll be helpful! Others are welcome to correct me, of course.

"It was early in the morning the sun was half way up and I was still asleep in my nice cozy bed, though of course I knew it was a school day today but there were times when I just want to sleep in!"
You forgot to add a couple of commas here and there. Also, a I can spot a few grammatical errors. From what I've learnt in Literacy, it should be:
"It was early in the morning. The sun was half way up and I was still asleep in my nice, cozy bed. Even though I knew it was a school day, there were times when I just wanted to sleep in - much like today!"

"Though there IS one reason why I go to school....but I don't think I wanna tell you guys!"

Comma after though, and wanna should be want to. I've never seen the word "wanna" in the books that I've read, even the ones where a child or preteen is supposed to be narrating. Of course, if it's used in speech then I've no reason to argue. Also, you need a space after the last full stop in the ellipsis.

I can go on, but the corrections will all be about the same things: punctuation and grammar. I hope that you'll go over your work and try to correct these mistakes.

That's pretty much it. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Hope to read more from you! You're welcome to PM me if there's anything else you need help with, but I recommend you ask someone more experienced. Bye!

P.S: You're the first person here that I've seen is the same age as me. So high-five! *raises hand ready to receive your high-five*




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14 Reviews


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Fri Aug 02, 2013 3:20 am
novelist says...



The grammar and punctuation need to be corrected, but I know how to read sloppy. I liked the introduction of the main character.




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Wed Jul 31, 2013 4:50 am
Xreigon says...



Oh, and you CANNOT substitute a comma for a period. That makes no sense and is horribly not grammatically correct.




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46 Reviews


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Reviews: 46

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Tue Jul 30, 2013 7:40 pm
Xreigon wrote a review...



Okay! I can't finish reading it until you get some punctuation. That may sound a little harsh, but it is VERY necessary. People cannot focus on the content if they cannot understand your story.

Your profile says you are thirteen. Surely a thirteen year-old knows that at the end of EVERY sentence, there must be punctuation. Go back and start at the very top of the story and put a period or a question mark at the end of EVERY SENTENCE (respectively). PM me when you get finished and I will continue reading your story.

AND DO NOT FORGET CAPITALIZATION. Every sentence (dialogue or not) must begin with a capitol letter.

Also, you need a lesson on dialogue. I do not know if they teach this in school anymore. I was surprised last year when many of my classmates in my sophomore Honors English class did not know how to write dialogue. So, I will help you.

If a new person comes in and say something, you must start a new paragraph. Also, there is always a comma to lead into the dialogue. If the dialogue ends with a period, and you are putting the lead in (a lead in is like the "Mary said" part), you change the period to a comma. For example:

---Tom said, "I am going to the store. Does anyone need anything?"

"I need some apples," Mary said.---

Because Mary has started talking, there is a new paragraph. This helps the reader to differentiate between different characters.

To use one of your pargraphs to help you:

I look to see who was in my room only to be blinded by the now risen bright sun [period]. "[capitol a]Ah! the light it burns!!" I quickly cover my face with my covers[period]. [capitol m] My mom rolls her eyes and takes the cover off of me[period].

[new paragraph]"[capitol n]No sleeping in you have school today!" my mom said[period].

[new paragraph]I pouted[period]. "[capitol b]But I don't wanna go to school!" I remarked whining.

Your English teacher needs to go back to school.

I apologize if I hurt your feelings or anything, but you seriously need help on your grammar. Please PM if you have any questions, and I will do my best to help. After you go back and add punctuation (at least at capitol letters and marks at the end of a sentence), PM me and I will continue reading your story.

-Xreigon




novelist says...


You know, you would make a good English teacher. Hehe.



Xreigon says...


That is actually one thing I might want to be ;) am I living up to the challenge yet? Jk jk




Almost all absurdity of conduct rises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
— Samuel Johnson