I Once Believed

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I once believed that I could fly,

to escape a life that wrung me dry.

I once believed in the existence of true love,

I couldn't see the world as push and shove.

I once escaped through pages,

old ink and familiar faces.

It's easy to imagine castles in the sky,

when the last question on your mind is 'Why?'

Sorrow brings smiles, and misery brings parades,

when you close your eyes to your own charades.

It's easy to forget what you've known,

when you're living in a world all your own.

The story ended with happily ever after,

midst the cheer and laughter.

But then they closed the storybook,

told me to face reality and take another look.

A look at what? At my perfect life?

I won't admit to worry nor to strife.

Go back to reality, leave me to my imagination.

Let me live on a planet of my own creation.

Of course I see its imperfection,

but I would rather make life my own invention.

I once believed that I could fly,

now I see the foolishness

in making limits of the sky.

Comments & reviews · 10
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User avatar
Skydreamer
Review

This is SO beautiful!!!!!! I read this and it made me so inspired! I love this!

I do have one suggestion to start out with though and that is to please separate it into stanzas. I really liked your flow scheme and all, but I still think that stanza's really would make it work out really well. Since there are none, I'll try to help you make them by quoting and then reviewing for you. And as I quote them those are my suggestions of how you can separate them for your stanzas if you want.

I once believed that I could fly,

escape a life that wrung me dry.

I once believed in true love,

didn't see the world as push and shove.


Those lines were really good, but to be honest when I first saw that I wasn't so captured by it, it was when I went on and to "I once believed in true love" that you got me interested. Because I thought, oh! This going to be about the denial of true love or something? haha, well, I was wrong. Happily wrong though. But anyways, good start, and liked the theme that you choose with your title an all. I thought it worked out very well.

I once escaped through pages,

old ink and familiar faces.


I really liked this! Especially the familiar faces, I thought that was very creative and it made everything a little bit more interesting for me as a reader and drew me in so great job on it.

It's easy to imagine castles up in the sky,

when the last question on your mind is 'Why?'


I would suggest adding a word in there which is bolded in the quote. It's a suggestion because I think it helps with the flow and it's a bit fun, to me. XP Other than that I thought this line was great too.

I once swam with mermaids,

didn't see through my own charades.

It's easy to forget what you've known,

when you're living in a world all your own.


I love the last two lines of this. I think that it worked out really well, and is beautiful. And as writers we can all sort of relate to living in our own little world, where things are different, than our real world. So this poem really relates to a lot of what writers feel, so great job on that.

Happily ever after,

amidst the cheer and laughter,

but when it was over,

they closed the storybook;

told me to take another look.


I also really liked this stanza! I thought that it was a good depiction of how people want to just shut the "TV" after a while and face the "real world" when really the real world is not worth facing and the "TV" is just ones imaginative mind.

A look at what? My perfect life?

I won't admit to worry nor strife.

Leave me to my imagination.

Let me live on a planet

of my own creation.


And then this is like a fighting back, like you saying, no! Leave me to be in my own world. Again, I love this, in case you know you haven't heard this enough. haha.


Of course I see its imperfection,

but I would rather make life my own invention.

I once believed that I could fly,

now I see the foolishness

in making a limit of the sky.


This is so good! My favorite lines are the last three lines. They are so special, they really lead this whole thing! When I finished reading this I was so awestruck and amazed. It's really inspiring and beautiful. I am so excited to read your other work!

--Keep writing and keep dreaming!

Thank you so much for this awesome review!! I agree with you on separating it into stanzas. Originally I had them that way, but every time I publish my poems, they always go back to this. Any ideas how to fix that? :) Also, the castles in the sky thing isn' t meant to be literal. It's an old saying about imagining your future, the fairytale ending you want for example, or the life you want to lead. They say castles in the sky because these dreams are usually just that, dreams. But thank you for the suggestion, and I'm glad you liked it :)

User avatar
OliveDreams
Review

Hello there fellow reviewer!!! Here to review your work for review day! :) I'm by no means a poet so I think that I should let you know now that I will be no help when it comes the technical side of things. I just thought I would come a long and let you know what I think of the content. :)

I love the lines, "“I once escaped through pages, old ink and familiar faces.” - This is exactly how I feel about reading my favourite books over and over again.

I also like the ide that some people who spend their loves immersed in a book and in somebody elses life, have a big disappointment when it comes to reality. I think this is a clever idea and I really like it.

Good Luck & I look forward to reading more of your work!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

Olive <3

User avatar
Vervain
Review
Vervain wrote a review · Fri Jul 26, 2013 1:24 pm

Hello again! I'm sure I'm your least favourite reviewer right now (if you read the other review first, that is).

I think I'm going to jump into the meat of my review right now - your meter. To put it lightly, it needs work. Meter, of course, is the rhythm and line length of your poem! It can be interesting to vary your meter every once in a while for emphasis if you're working with a fixed poem, but in a case such as this, where your meter varies every line, it simply causes a bit of confusion on the part of the reader. I'm honestly not quite sure what the base rhythm is supposed to be, and that definitely throws the poem off a lot. Condense your words, find better words, but whatever you do, try to fix that!

Again, I'd like to comment on my nitpicky little grammatical errors - "told me *to* take another look"; "Of course I see *its* imperfection" - "its" is a possessive, whereas "it's" is a contraction of "it is", which leads me to ask when I see it used incorrectly - "Of course I see it is imperfection what?"

I like the idea of a fixed rhyme for this piece - it definitely gives it an innovated sort of feel, moulded into your own form. However, watch the words you use! Assonance - vowel sound similarity - can be your friend, but it's not as effective as a straight rhyme in the majority of cases.

I'd also like to ask: What is your method for which lines have the beginning capitalised? I was trying to discern this - it's not every line; it's not the beginning of sentences... I'm honestly left a little confused by this seemingly arbitrary tactic, and I was wondering if you had a reason for it!

I would also like to comment in like what I said on your other poem: watch and revise your punctuation use, and make sure you're using it correctly. A few spots in this poem could especially use a bit of revision - for example, grammatically, there should be a semicolon or a period in "...my imagination,/Let me live..." instead of a comma.

Again, I enjoy the premise very much, and I'm excited to see if you decide to do any work on this to revise it! I hope you keep writing - I'm excited to see what else comes out of you!

Thank you again for your honesty, and yes I did read your other review first. I'm sorry about the grammatical errors in both...I should not write poetry when I'm tired :) I have a bad habit of making inanimate objects or thoughts possessive when I know I shouldn't, so I'm not surprised you caught me doing it here. As for the length of the lines I was worried about those, but since no other reviewer commented on them in a negative light I decided not to fix them. I'll try to fix them now though...but you should expect a review from me sometime soon:)

It's fine! I once wrote a series of poems when I was tired and woke up only to find that "hands" had inevitably turned to "hanfs" and half of the lines didn't make any sense to -me-.

I also have a bad habit of being a little harsher in my reviewing, but I know constructive criticism is what we're all here for, and I really want to see you improve and become a great poet/(whatever you want to be) someday. Call me intrigued with other people!

Well I appreciate your criticism, so don't worry about it! And I would love to see a poem in which hands were hanfs and half the lines didn't make sense even to the writer! ;)

Random avatar
Laterose13 Comment

I think it's quite beautiful. The rhyming gives it unity, but the different sentence lengths give it variety and make it interesting. The last two lines are my personal favorite. Good grammar and spelling, I didn't see any errors.

Thank you so much, I was hoping the sentence lengths wouldn't make it harder to read. I'm really very tight with grammar and spelling so I'm glad you didn't find anything wrong :)

User avatar
Celjiii
Review
Celjiii wrote a review · Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:55 pm

Just great! :) It was poetry indeed! :) It created a stratospheric image in my mind. :)

User avatar
QuietRoman
Review

I hope you don't mind if I review your poem. :)

This poem is fantastic! The rhyming scheme and rhythm are both very good, and I love the themes of the poem. It gives me a sense of hope in the world that is hard to find. But you captured it perfectly.

The last two lines in particular carry a very great impact for me. You did a fantastic job, and I hope you continue to write great poems!

And you are fantastic at flattery!!! ;) Thank you so much for you feedback, it's very appreciated :)

User avatar
OMGhamsterdweeb
Comment

Wow, this is amazing! This is, quite literally, the best poem I have ever read. Honestly, I am not kidding! Keep at it, because great things will happen if you believe in yourself

Well that's, quite literally, the best compliment I've ever received on my writing!! I've already said it too many times today, but THANK YOU!!

Random avatar
EmoChikXoX
Review

Hello, I'm EmoChikXoX. And I'm going to review your poem today! :D

Wow. This is an amazing poem, and the rhyming is really good too! I love what you have based the poem on, I think it is a pretty good subject to write a poem on. It captivates me, it draws me in from the first line and makes me want to read it all. I also like the imagination you have used in order to write this.. it a way it brings me back to my younger childhood, with what I believe are fairytale 'quotes'.. i.e. "Happily ever after". I honestly think that this is one of the best poems I have read on this site.

You have to keep writing, this is amazing. I cant wait to read more! Although living up to this poem will be tough! :)

Well done! :)

~EmoChikXoX

Wow. Thank you, I'm really glad you liked it :)

User avatar
Blackwood
Review

Great poem. Great rhyming too!

Only one line made me feel a bit uncomfortable and that was the very last line.

now I see the foolishness in making a limit of the sky.


I feel like you put too many words shoved into the final line. The final line should have a poetic impact and a poetic conclusion but here I can easily see what you are trying to say but the amount of syllables you put it seems like a mouthful. It has too many syllables and I feel like the way you said it was slightly off.

Also when you say amidst do you mean midst?

when you're living in a world entirely your own.

Also this line like the last I felt was a bit too much thrown in. It could be simplified by simply taking out the word 'entirely'.

Leave me be with my imagination,

I feel this line could be rearranged. Perhaps "leave me to my own imagination' or take out the word 'be'.

I really liked so many of your lines so I will not quote them all.
Happy writing.

Thankyou so much for your feedback, and I agree with what you said about the lines being too wordy...I'll definitely take your advice and edit it again.

User avatar
BookWorm97
Review

First of all welcome to YWS and.....Wow!! Just WOW!! Somebody pinch me! That was incredible!! Absolutely sensational!! (And this is coming from someone who has no idea what-so-ever about poetry)

I love the whole topic and feeling surrounding this piece. The way sometimes you just loose your self in some imaginary world....beautiful.
There nothing here really for me to edit (from a writers point of view, not a poet)
Hang on.... In the last line" in making a limit of the sky" this sounds a bit off to me. Perhaps you should use another word for limit or think of another sentence(?) with sky in.....

Thank you so much!!! I've been trying to fix the last line since another reviewer commented on it too, so I'll try your advice.



That's how we should measure our lives. Not in distance traveled, or time passed, or worlds conquered, but in moments... and the rush of joy—of grace—that exists within them.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)