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16+ Violence Mature Content

The Eyes

by Valkyrie17


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

His eyes flicked over and locked onto mine. In that one simple movement my fate was sealed. The laughter that had been bubbling out of my mouth had come to a sudden halt. I quickly forgot what my friends were talking about, whatever it was that made me laugh, it no longer mattered.

All that mattered were those eyes.

Those deep black holes. It had no end and no beginning. All I knew in that moment was those eyes. As if I had not existed previously and promising me that I wasn't going to last much longer. The dank, dirty bar was still filled with mindless chatter and music to drown out any silence. Cries of joy and sadness were mixed in with this endless noise and yet I could hear none of it. It was as if someone had put on ear protectors on me to make sure none of the offending sounds could taint my precious ears. Still those eyes bored into mine. Something, somewhere is shouting. Shouting a word that was once as familiar to me as flying is to a bird. Yet that was an age ago. It no longer mattered.

All that mattered were those eyes.

Then, as quick as they had appeared, those eyes were gone. All too loud that horrible noise of reality came flooding back and I was forced back into the present. My friends were staring at me with looks of mock concern. Their faces searched mine endless, trying to demand an answer of where my mind had just been, and they of course found nothing. They continued their search out of morbid curiosity, as it was plain to anyone who bothered to look, that they were more 'worried' about my little episode than a friend should be. In fact you wouldn't even need to look too hard to see judgement in their common eyes. Why had their seemingly normal friend, who never did anything out of the ordinary, decided to stare at nothing in particular with such intensity and not respond to her name? It was all too clear to see that they did not see the eyes like I had. If they had they wouldn't be wasting their energy on such thoughts as they would know...

All that mattered were those eyes.

These worthless objects tore me away from those beautiful eyes. I looked back. My eyes darting back and forth desperately trying to find those peaceful eyes. Why couldn't I find them? I needed them. They made everything else drift anyway. I longed for that emptiness to return to me. Why did those useless 'friends' take them away from me? They were jealous. Yes, they were jealous. They hadn't seen the eyes. And they won't ever see them. Those eyes belong to me as much as they own my eyes. I shift my body towards the group of vermin around me and accuse them of what they did. I told them what vile creatures they are to have stolen those eyes from me and all they could do is stand their with blank looks. I want my eyes back! I scream this at them as I slam the object in my hand on the table in the middle of this group. Like the bugs they are they jump back in fright while worry and fear creep into their skin. One of them tries to reach out to me. Thinking he can calm me down with a few nice words in a soothing tone coupled with a soft grip on my arm. How dare he? How could he try and take my mind of off those eyes by slurring syllables at me, directing me to go home and to lay off the drink? He didn't understand that it doesn't matter. The alcohol, the words and our actions don't matter.

All that mattered were those eyes.

I shrugged off the offending flesh. I promptly told him what would happen to his little member that he so proud of if he tried coming near me again. Thankfully he slinked away with a nice shade of beetroot crawling up his neck and filling his cheeks. The others seem to finally realise that I am serious about finding my eyes. One of them suggested that they will help me find them again. Ha! The eyes are for me alone. They are not to be shared with a skanky little two legged being like her! I told her what I think of her 'fabulous' idea. She is not pleased, she told me. Thats fine. She was just in my way of finding the eyes. She floated away into the crowds as anger takes over. Now there were only three of my 'friends' remaining. They shuffled on their feet unsure of what to do or not do, not wanting to provoke me. Why couldn't they see that it didn't matter what they did?

All that mattered were those eyes.

As they continued their awkward stance, something switches inside me. I know these three remaining each had a part to play in taking me away from my eyes. I demanded to know how they each contributed. One had simply called out my name repeatedly. One had done the same but banged on the table as well to attract my attention. And the last one had decided to shake me to bring me out of my daze. These filthy bags of meat had dragged me away from my heavenly eyes and still stood there as if they had been in the right all along. No. They needed to be taught a lesson. Soon they would understand what really mattered. They would understand that what I had just experienced was unique in every way and they were the vicious criminals. And criminals needed to be punished else they never learned did they? I would make them understand.

All that mattered were those eyes.

Still holding onto that broken object I grip it slightly tighter. It sparkles, reflecting the only light in the suffocating room. I ran my thumb against one of the broken edges and a smirk filled my face. I concentrated on the only thing that matters. My eyes rested for a moment underneath my eyelids. I could feel my lungs empty and fill, calming my body. The arm that held my prized object lunged out to the side connecting with pulsing flesh just below one of my 'friends' chin. The sounds around me roar as they increase in volume yet I single out the most beautiful noises. The squirting of the liquid bursting from my 'friend' is almost enough to make me believe they have understood what mattered. The roar continued, alerting me to the fact that they had not yet been convinced. I yank my object back, and with the momentum, continued to swing it repeatedly into one of my other 'friends' once boring chest until it is made glorious. I retreated into my seat to look at my handy work and felt a swell of pride burn in my own chest. The screeching of a creature still not knowledgable took me out of my trance-like state. Oh yes, my last 'friend'. I climbed onto the table and slide over to her – the table being slippery with a delicious crimson liquid. A chuckle escapes me at the luck I have from her sitting in the middle of a circular booth as well as her unluckiness of her position. My legs slide either side of her as I made myself comfortable in her lap. Her noise wouldn't stop so I kindly removed the cause of problem and swiftly threw the odd piece of muscle over my shoulder. Her eyes tried to lock onto mine but I wouldn't have that! Only one set of eyes were allowed to do that. My special object came into play again as I make it slowly penetrate those boring, dull (and now) lifeless eyes. I'll give her credit. She did put up a good fight but she lacked clarity. She lacked the clarity that comes with knowing what mattered. Why couldn't they have understood?

All that mattered were those eyes.

I straightened up and stumbled out of the empty bar. There was a noise that approached on a repetitive loop. It never made it to me. I was off down the alley in search of those eyes. A turn here. A turn there. I could feel them calling to me the more I ran. Alley after alley I searched. And my hard work produced results. Finally, there they were. Just down this deserted alley, whose entrance was littered with discarded boxes. It reeked of neglect that spun a tale of how long it had been undisturbed. And there were my eyes. Right at the back where one passing the alley could never see unless they too ventured down it like I did. The crates at the entrance blocked the view of this precious sight from those who did not understand. With each step I got closer to my eyes. With each step my body trembled with anticipation. With each step my smile got wider. Once again I looked into his eyes. The pair of black holes told me what to do next. I couldn't contain my happiness at being given instructions from all that mattered. I brought my object, which I still clung to, to my mouth and helped my smile become wider. After my flesh could rip no more I listened to the eyes suggestion. I made a second smile for myself to declare my joy. Starting at one side, I had dug my object in my throat and continued to drag it across. My feeble body jolted with shock at my actions. After only a few small drags I had stopped making my smile. Unfortunately, my arm lacked the strength to finish the task. Shame began to wash over me. But it was fine, the eyes hushed to me soothingly, my actions tonight had been very impressive. He chided me for not remembering the most important thing. He told me he would let me see it as a reward as all light began to fade. His eyes flicked over and locked onto mine. Nothing else mattered as I felt the darkness swallow me.

All that mattered were those eyes.


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Fri Sep 20, 2013 9:45 pm
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ka67 wrote a review...



Hello!! Lemme start off by saying that I haven't been on in a while so if my review is a little unclear just reply so I can clear those things up! :)

Well,the story certainly is incredible. I love the chant 'All that mattered were those eyes.' It is so powerful, like a demonic call to something unknown. Of course, the story is so incredible! I love it, because even though it didn't send chills down my spine (Not easily scared anymore...oh poo :( XD) It did capture my full attention!! I love the way you describe things, in the vaguest(sp?) of detail.

I do not think there are any spelling errors. Then again, I don't very much pay attention to that as it is normally understandable what someone is trying to say when that happens ^-^. Of course, your vocab is impeccable, I enjoy the way you spin the gruesome details. Though maybe some more detail would entice the readers to gasp ;)

I love the way that one last 'friend' was injured. Her eyes were gouged out, correct?? An incredible way to express a psychotic anger, a cold and calculating agony. I loved it!!

There is not much to prod at in the story. Some things could be elaborated, looks maybe, because I'm still curious as to colors, to the pointless voices of her 'friends' and their eyes that dared tried to replace the true happiness of the others, of the ones that made her empty and so very delighted. All I say is a dash more detail, but it is most certainly NOT required :3

Keep writing!! :D




Valkyrie17 says...


Thank you so much for the lovely review! ^^ I wouldn't mind adding more detail :D I just feared it would go on too long if I did. :) I'm glad you enjoyed it although I'm sorry I didn't manage to send chills down your spine. :( Thanks again!



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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:33 pm
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LJM368 wrote a review...



Wow, that was really eerie. I liked the repeated statement 'All that mattered were those eyes.' It definitely emphasized that something in the MC snapped when she saw the eyes. Although, did the eyes actually exist, or was she just insane? What could make a normal person lose their mind like that, in only a few seconds?

I agree with wholesomereader that the eyes, if they did exist outside the MC's mind, belonged to a demon, which just adds to the creepiness of it.

I also particularly liked that the whole story the MC is narrating, but almost as if she is outside of her own body. The names of the friends are never mentioned, almost as if she can't remember, and she refers to the 'object' she is holding as if she doesn't know what it is. Or maybe she just doesn't care anymore, which seems just as likely.

Overall, one of the best horror stories I have read in ages. Excellent job!


~LJM368




Valkyrie17 says...


I know this is late but I have just realised I never replied! This review made me so happy and encouraged me to write more so thank you thank you thank you! :D Everything you mentioned is spot on what I was hoping to make you think as a reader so my job here as a writer is done. I must say I did a little happy dance after reading this review *blushes*. Thanks again!

By the way I am not going to tell you what you got right and/or what the truth is. Hehe ;)





I never thought of it that way... but I know what you got right. Hehe.



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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:15 am
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deleted17 wrote a review...



This is an impressive story and I liked the chill of the narrator as she hurt her friends without feeling anything but those eyes. I sort of liked the ending sentence, though it was a bit repetitive.

Now the ending: I liked the thought of this story's ending and I thought it was well crafted, though it was as if the 'Eyes' were a demon. I imagine that's what a demon would do.

Now her friends: I have to say that to have five friends is a lot. But they were caring and thoughtful, like any other friend should be. The guy that touched her seemed to her boyfriend, and the one that she hurt on purpose seemed like an old friend.

Now the way you put this: I think it could've been a little bit neater if you broke up the paragraphs into smaller pieces. I think you would've had the readers attention for a bit longer.

Summary: All in all a guilty pleasure to read and a great short. I had no problems with the story and didn't find any grammar mistakes. I do hope to see more. Tatty Bye now.

~Keep On Writing~ Team Dory!

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader.




Valkyrie17 says...


Although I am extremely late in saying this... Thank you for your review! Its great to see you coming to the conclusion that its a demon. Also I didn't think too much about the detail of who her friends were to her so its really interesting to read that you thought one of them was her boyfriend. A little tear of joy escaped me when I read this so thank you a whole bunch. :)





I don't just read, I interpret what the author is trying to say. It's a little easy once you do it a lot.



Valkyrie17 says...


Thanks for interpreting then! :D



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Fri Jul 26, 2013 1:36 pm
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Jrezek wrote a review...



The first paragraph definitely opened the story very well for what you were trying to portray! I definitely got chills as I was reading it. The part I loved the most is how the "eyes" we manipulating the thoughts of the narrator to think like him, as in

"These filthy bags of meat had dragged me away from my heavenly eyes and still stood there as if they had been in the right all along.

It's an awesome tale as much as it is creepy, which is kind of uncommon to find, unless I haven't been looking well. All in all, I enjoyed reading this very much and in my own opinion, I wouldn't change a thing.




Valkyrie17 says...


Thank you so much! I am so glad to hear that you have enjoyed it. Its great to know that someone else understood what was going on completely. I was worried that it would only make sense to me! I am also super happy that you got chills when reading this. :D Its awesome knowing something I wrote is able to do that!

Thanks again!



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Tue Jul 23, 2013 2:32 pm
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manisha says...



Hi Valkyrie!

Excellent horror! I had goosebumps when I came to the part where she starts stabbing her friends. That was so well written. It was vague, not to the point. Which is a good thing in this case as it leaves a lot to the readers imagination.

Those deep black holes. It had no end and no beginning. All I knew in that moment was those eyes

I get the feeling she was hypnotized. Am I right?

My friends were staring at me with looks of mock concern. Their faces searched mine endless, trying to demand an answer of where my mind had just been, and they, of course found nothing

endless has to be endlessly.
Also this part is hard to imagine. Why would the friends take such an intense interest as to where her mind had been lingering? Maybe they would question her and then drop it. I would suggest you tone down that a bit. But that is up to you.

These filthy bags of meat had dragged me away from my heavenly eyes and still stood there as if they had been in the right all along.

I do not think the MC is usually that rude to her friends. Maybe it was because of the eyes?

Still holding onto that broken object I grip it slightly tighter.

What exactly is she holding? A broken glass bottle? It is not mentioned here.

The arm that held my prized object lunged out to the side connecting with pulsing flesh just below one of my 'friends' chin. I yank my object back, and with the momentum, continued to swing it repeatedly into one of my other 'friends' once boring chest until it is made glorious.

It seems unlikely the others wouldn't have reacted immediately to what the MC did to one of her friends. Maybe you could show some struggle from the others? And the place is packed with people, they would have noticed something don't you think?

Her noise wouldn't stop so I kindly removed the cause of problem and swiftly threw the odd piece of muscle over my shoulder.

Creepy. It shows how completely she has lost her mind!

Love the ending!
Overall, it was a great story with great description!

-manisha




Valkyrie17 says...


Thank you! I am glad I gave someone goosebumps. :D Yes, she was hypnotised and she becomes rude to her friends because of the eyes. I see what you mean about her friends interest in her, thanks for the suggestion! Yeah I didn't want to specifically say that she was holding a glass to try and show how 'out of it' she is. She doesn't really know or care what she is holding just that it can be used to 'teach' her friends a lesson. Again, thanks for pointing that out! I'll try working in some description of what is happening around her as she starts hurting the others. Thank you, that is one of my favourite lines as well. xD

Thanks a bunch for leaving a review!



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Mon Jul 22, 2013 8:39 pm
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Sarrasponda says...



Hey there!

I think I'll leave this as a comment; this is really good! I love your emphasis on 'those eyes', which makes me wonder why your story is called ' the eyes' instead of 'those eyes'. :P

In all, fabulously awesome. So awesome I had to at least comment.

~ Sarra ~




Valkyrie17 says...


Thanks! I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it. :D Yeah that would have made a better tittle now that you mention it. It was late when I posted this and I'm not great a tittles so yea... I'll see if I can change it! :D

Thanks for letting me know what you thought of it!



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Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:02 pm
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ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Valkyrie, here to review your story!

Firstly, wow, you certainly know how to use good descriptions. I thought that was a particular strong point of this whole piece, I could really picture what was going on- and there was some really cool imagery used so well done! I also thought that the repetition of the eyes thing on every other paragraph was really effective and worked very well, so well done!

The fact that the majority of this piece is descriptions was a bit of an issue just because of the fact it wasn't always clear what was going on. Like I got that the MC sort of flipped out at her friends, but what exactly did she do? Were you making this unclear on purpose, because I didn't really get it. It more described her friends' reactions rather than what she actually did, and I want to know what she actually did.

They continued their search out of morbid curiosity, as it was plain to anyone who bothered to look, that they were more 'worried' about my little episode than a friend should be.

Firstly, the word 'morbid' doesn't really seem fitting here because it's not really anything to do with death. Again, what was the MC's little 'episode'? What did she actually do, if it was just that she zoned out for a few minutes and was staring at something intently for a bit that's not actually that weird and I don't see why her friends would make a big deal.

I shift my body towards the group of vermin around me and accuse them of what they did. I told them what vile creatures they are to have stolen those eyes from me and all they could do is stand their with blank looks.

Whoah, the words 'vermin' and 'vile' are really strong here, and this completely changed the MC in the sense that's she's not so nice and doesn't really care for her friends? At first I got the impression they're her friends and then I read this, was it the 'eyes' that completely changed her view?

I'm going to end with a few nitpicks:
All I knew in that moment was were those eyes.


Why had their seemingly normal friend, who never did anything out of the ordinary, decided to stare at nothing in particular with such intensity and not respond to her name?


She floated away into the crowds as anger takes over.

I think it should be: She floated away into the crowds as the anger took over

All in all, this was an outstanding piece in terms of description and imagery. But what you have to remember when you stuff like this, is sometimes the descriptions can overtake what is actually going on in the story and things can become a bit confusing, so next steps would be to clear things up a bit. I hope this helped! PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.

Keep writing!
-Arc x




Valkyrie17 says...


Thank you for the review! Your feedback is really helpful. I appreciate the little nitpicks, I know there will always be a few mistakes I'll miss. Thanks for the suggestions, I'll see what I can do. And yeah it was the eyes. :)

Thank you!




Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri