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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Reitha: Host of the Flame-chapter 0

by illitar


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

A flame cannot stay still. It will flicker as it wishes, and burns what it wants. Beauty and brilliance, enticing and mesmerizing, destructive and relentless, the light pierces the eyes of those that witness its birth. A flame cannot be controlled, only guided or snuffed out.

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The sky was lit by the bright moon. The glow shined through the trees and lit the mountains on the horizon. Nights cool colors only made the orange lights in the mountain forest burn like a devils omen. Flames crept up the mountain were concentrated on a single town.

The mercenaries had their way with the people and the animals, slaughtering them in the night. Screams of the murdered echoed through the alleys. Houses and bodies were burned. Necks slit, bones broken, and blades were covered in shimmering blood. This was a massacre. The streets were red with blood and orange from the flames. The wretched men that laid waste to the town were in the same black cloaks with a red x on their hoods and masks to hide their expressions.

On the top of the hill, a two story house was burning like the rest. A child ran out of her room that was filled with smoke. Her white gown was too long for her to be running in. She tripped to the banisters and looked to see her two parents on the ground covered in blood. Their arms stretched for one another, but only inches from contact. There in the door way stood a dark shadow of a man. The girl screamed and ran to her parents. She got to the bottom of the stairs when the roof fell. The Beams had fallen all around her trapping her in, blocking her view of her parents and the shadow man’s gaze.

She coughed and chocked as the smoke filled her lungs. She tried to climb, but the burning wood singed her hands and feet. She fell to the ground and held her stinging hands. She choked and her eyes were burning from the heat and tears that fell and disappeared in the heat. Her eyes began to do dark. She fell to the floor.

Just then fire began to dance in front of her. With each flicker the flame turned into different creatures. Birds, dragons, most she had never seen before, but it finally stopped on the form of a lion. A dragon floated above. It watched from the circle it had tangled itself in. The lion walked up to her as she chocked. Flames formed and swiveled into a flaming man with no face or features then turned back to the lion. He sat in front of her and stared at her. His form fluctuated between the two. He put out his hand. Her tears overflowed she reached to the flame, but her hand fell through the man’s hand bounced onto the wooden floor. She was silent and motionless. The man turned into full lion, and then he erupted and lunged for the girl. Its fangs laid gashes into her cheeks. The body of flame swirled and sucked into the gashes.

The girl’s corpse pulsed as the flames energy flowed through her. She dug her nails into the wood in front of her. She looked up with a furious and untamed gaze. The flames around her burnt everything at ashes around her in seconds. She stood up and passed her parents husks without giving them a single glance. Their bodies turned to cinders and she walked past them. She crawled up the burning wood that hid the entrance of the house. When she reached the top she looked down to see the village was glowing bright orange in the darkness. She let out a monstrous yell as the back draft of the flames whipped up her hair.

The mercenaries heard the echoing yell and turned to see the child walking down the town street. Her Hair waving unnaturally and her body immersed in flames. The men yelled and fired arrows at her. The arrows stopped and turned to ash as they got close. Each person she passed lit on fire and quickly died as their flesh burnt from their bodies within seconds. The buildings flames crept around her creating a spiral of fire. Not even the villagers or the animals were spared. They would look to her for help and fear. She answered by turning them to ash with the killers. Each step she took burnt an imprint into the ground.

When she got to the end of town there was a horde of mercenaries waiting for her. Her gaze held front and her expression was still that of extreme hatred. As they charged she lashed back and let out a massive pulse of flame that circled her and vaporized every one of them around her. She stood in a creator that was empty that had eaten away at half the town. The ground had burnt away around her and was smoking from the onslaught.

The mercenary leader walked to face her. She looked to him about to kill him. He raised his hands in surrender and stopped walking. She appeared in front of him flames circled her feet. She let out another monstrous yell and flames erupted around her and moved over him like a wave. The flames circled the girl and the man. He was shivering in fear, but held his hands up.

“it’s-it’s alright, be calm, settle your fury and rest spirit. We will take good care of your vassal. Please be still.”

She stared at him with such empty eyes he didn’t even think that she could hear let alone understand him. “Very well human.” She spoke a voice that was not her own, not even remotely human. It was a combination of voices all ages and both male and female tones along with some animal growls. “Be sure to entertain me.” all of the flames in the area were sucked into the girl’s body. The fire from the town settled and wet out. Her hair floated back to normal position, resting on her back. Her body weaved, she fell to the ground and she was motionless once again.

The man stood above her as she lay sleeping. She inhaled deeply and the ash around her mouth bloomed away. The man smiled and said under his breath. “Blessed.”


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347 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 5:29 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello there :) Here to review and hopefully help! I am a supernatural/fantasy/science fiction junkie so I'm more than happy to read through your prologue.

I will write my review as I read so you can get my real reactions :)

I love this description of a flame. I'm writing a novel about a girl who has power over the elements so this really hit home with me. It can reflect onto a person too.

I'm already dragged into the action here. I like that you've hooked me in straight away and I want to know who these men in the hood are!

Chocked is spelled 'Choked'

Would a flame leave gashes in someone's cheeks? Why not deep, peeling burns?

Where you write the words, “She stood in a creator” - I think you mean crater?

I really like the line, “It was a combination of voices all ages and both male and female tones along with some animal growls.” This is interesting!!

Overall – I think it was a really good, action packed start and I cant wait to read more!

Good luck & feel free to take a look at any work of mine when/if you have the time.

THANKS!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 7:56 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya illitar! I'm Arc, here to review :)

I think the strong point of this was your descriptions. They were really quite beautiful sometimes, and I think your use of colour to explain things was especially good because I really don't see that enough nowadays! Although using many descriptions can have it's down sides which I will mention later, what you do have is great. It's great that you can write such wonderful descriptions like that, because that it a great skill for story-writing!

Now, my first issue with this is throughout the whole thing, it's the same sort of writing each bit. What I mean is, it's all explaining what's going on (albeit in a really nice way!), I think you need to add perhaps more dialogue? This is to make sure the reader doesn't get too bored, and makes it more exciting. I mean this is a prologue, you want to draw your reader in so that they want to read the rest of the novel. And for a prologue I think you need some quick fire action scenes to hook them in, then later in the novel you can take your time to explain/describe things more.

Another thing I didn't really get is firstly, there were a lot of things involving. I thought this was really interesting, however not really handled in the right way. I mean it just seemed like a casual sort of thing, 'oh look she's on fire'. I thought that these parts of the story needed to be more frantic and create more of an emergency in the scene. This sort of links to using too much description. Remember, use shorter sentences for action scenes and longer sentences for interior monologues! Right now, all I'm seeing is longer sentences, so try and watch out for that.

A few nitpicks:

Her tears overflowed as she reached to the flame, but her hand fell through the man’s hand bounced onto the wooden floor.


It’s-it’s alright, be calm, settle your fury and rest spirit. We will take good care of your vassal. Please be still.”


Overall, I did enjoy this. I think you've got some really interesting ideas and it's raised a lot of questions. However, I thought it lacked a vary in sentences and just a tad more dialogue would be lovely! I hope this helped, please PM me if you post up a next part.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:53 am
RacheDrache wrote a review...



Well, that was different! In the good way. I'm certainly not used to... whatever it was that just happened to the girl. Color me intrigued.

If I'm intrigued, then somewhere in here is the power to hook anyone. I think you could have readers hanging off the page with a little dedicated attention to your sentence structure and verbs.

You have a lot of sentences that begin the same way. Namely, with "the [noun] [verb] [something]." In other words, your typical simple sentence. Simple sentences are awesome, of course, but strings of them one after another--go through and look at how many sentences begin with 'the!'--tire the reader out and make the content seem redundant and less interesting.

You also use a lot of passive voice constructions. I'd recommend putting everything into active voice, so that the person doing the action is also the subject of the sentence. It increases the pace and also makes things more engaging for the readers.

In short, vary up your sentences! Variation is good. One of the best ways to get a feel for sentence length and types is to read them aloud. Sometimes, when you read aloud, you discover that the sentence that sounded so good on paper isn't actually all that good. Our ears are tricky.

Finally, I think you could do with shifting some of the description around. You do a lot of setting up at the beginning of the setting and such, but none of those details are really important--why not cut them and jump right into the action?

You could also expand on the parts where she's going through the town with the flames taking over her, etc. That's the part where the reader has his/her head tilted to one side like a curious puppy. Indulge the reader a little bit, lure that creativity so he or she has no choice but to turn the page!

I hope sime of this gives you an idea!

Racj





I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe