z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Dark *Revised*

by singingwriter1673


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Dirty. Violated. Used.

Those words described what I was feeling as I lay in my bed that Saturday night. I didn't occur to me that it wasn't my fault until now. As I let the tears fall, the only thing that was running through my head was:It's your fault.

He seemed nice at first. His blue eyes showed the promise of something more. His body language showed nothing but a slight interest in me. We had a nice conversation. We danced. We laughed. We flirted.

He asked to walk me home since it was late. I was sixteen. I didn't know that I should have been more careful than to walk home with a boy I had only just met. The slight unease in my stomach was on full blast as we walked out of the house together, the party still going on behind us.I ignored it.

He didn't speak. He didn't smile. The light in his eyes turned to something darker. I was afraid. I should have been from the moment I stepped foot outside with him.

My house was void of light as we walked towards it. No one was home as usual and this was the time that I actually needed someone to be there. I pulled out my keys, having decided that I wouldn't invite him in. I turned to him and smiled politely.

"Thank you for walking me home," I said softly, my voice shaking slightly. "Goodnight."

I felt his stare burning into my back as I turned the key in the door, but I didn’t notice him walk up behind me. When I pushed the door open, I was pushed inside along with it. The last thing I heard before things went wrong was the slam of the door.

It all happened very quickly. My clothes were off before I could process what was happening. He bruised me up when I tried to fight back. I was no match for him. He was a foot taller and pounds heavier. Once he had me pinned down, the pain came. I heard a bloodcurdling scream and didn't realize until moments later that it was me. He quieted me and concentrated on finishing.

Tears of anger and sorrow fell down my cheeks along with some of loss. He had taken my one virtue.

Once he was finished, he left. No words were exchanged. No sounds were made other than his zipper being pulled back up and the opening and closing of the door.

I lay there, wondering why I had let him do such a thing to me. From the beginning, i thought everything had been my fault. It was my fault that I didn’t recognize a rapist and that I flirted with him. It was my fault that I let a stranger walk me home. It was my fault that I didn’t pay attention to the unease in my stomach. It was my fault that no one was home. It was my fault that I was polite to him when I told him goodnight. It was my fault that he had raped me.

No one came home that night. I showered, my tears flowing with the water, and slowly crawled into bed before letting the sobs rip through my body. I didn't know when I had stopped crying, but I woke to the light of the sun the next morning.

How could there be such a pretty day after such a tragic thing?

How could the sun be out when I had just been broken?

How could there be light when I was in the dark?

For months, I didn’t tell anyone what had happened. I let the voices in my head tell me that I deserved it. That it was my fault. I let the voices pull me deeper and deeper into depression. Everything that I had ever been passionate about seemed so stupid. I didn’t want to leave my room. I deserved all of the pain and torture I had put myself through.

I didn’t know when it hit me. Maybe it was the text that my best friend sent me saying that she loved me. Maybe it was the uplifting song that drifted past the walls of my room from a car radio across the street. Maybe it was the realistic part of my mind finally pushing through all of the negative thoughts and reminding me that if I let myself fall deeper, I wouldn’t even get to experience the things that mattered in life. But I finally realized something.

It wasn’t my fault.

I had no power over that guy. I didn’t control his mind. I could have never guessed that he would have taken advantage of me. He could have chosen any girl. It could have been anyone. I had no power over that turn of events.

So why was I killing myself over it? Why was I letting it control my life? And most importantly:

Why wasn’t I fighting back?


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Mon Jul 01, 2013 11:51 am
Hannah says...



So! This is a comment on the material and not a review.

I had no power over that guy. I didn’t control his mind. I could have never guessed that he would have taken advantage of me. He could have chosen any girl. It could have been anyone. I had no power over that turn of events.


Usually, when I think of the "it's not your fault" train of thought, which doesn't come to everyone, I think of it more in a, "because it was HIS fault, he did the action and I didn't want it" kind of way, so it was interesting for me to see this character only take the blame off herself and not really BLAME her rapist. That's weird, and something that could be explored more, too!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:12 pm
HostofHorus wrote a review...



Hey there! You've already got some really good reviews to take a look at but I'll throw in a few quick thoughts of my own. The story was nice and the writing was good but all in all I felt it was a little bit bland... Like there was something missing. My second time through I think I discovered what was bugging me. It lacked description! You have a powerful scene and you do a good job of presenting it but it is time to create some more potent imagery! Throw in some similes, some metaphors. Compare your feelings to things you know, compare the light in his eyes to something, your house to something. It might be a cool idea to expand and create a symbol out of the keys. You had a line where you talked about your tears flowing with the water, EXPAND on that! Overall I think you have a terrific opportunity to go back through this and really amp up the description to bring the story to a new level. Unless you had a word limit for a contest or something, there really shouldn't be a need to stick to the telling part of the story. I want you to SHOW us. :)

Hope that helps a little. Let me know if I can be of any help.

H.o.H.






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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:59 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hey singingwriter! I'm coming across a lot of your works today :)

Anyways, what I liked about this was that it was really strong, and really had me on the edge of my seat. I think dealing with a situation like this can be really hard, so I commend you for writing about it. There are a few issues I have with this though.

The first half is quite boring. 'We did this' and 'we did that' just seems a bit dull. When reading the first bit, I wasn't really sure what to expect. I think you could have used some more interesting descriptions. Maybe talk about what he looked like, the surroundings a bit more; rather than the MC sort of just reciting what is going on.

He ripped my clothes off. He beat me down when I tried to fight back. I was no match for him. He was a foot taller and pounds heavier. Once he had me pinned down, the pain came.

Well that escalated quickly. I thought this paragraph was very strong and written well, however it sort of just went from a harmless date to WHOAH. I just think maybe you could slow it down just a tad, because my eyes like literally widened when I read that part, and it was actually quite confusing.

Lastly, I agree with Hannah. The questions at the end are really good, but I wanna see more emotion. How is she really feeling? Obviously, she's not feeling great, but i just wanna see the emotion conveyed a bit more. Maybe even through some dialogue or actions or something.

Overall, this was good! I liked the length of it, the pacing was good and needed improvement in different parts. I hope this review helped an keep up the good work! PM me if you ever need a review.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x






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Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:46 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Those questions are really powerful, and it's a lovely way to end this piece. I think this is a hard piece to tackle, whether or not this was a true experience in your life, and so I'm glad it was written.

I do, however, have some questions. The beginning of this piece seems to suggest two points in time: the writing time and the experience time. But there's no frame. You just leave the present behind and end in the past with those soul-wrenching questions. Did you do this on purpose? If so, why? Why did you mention the present if you were only diving into the past. It does serve to give a little hope while letting the end remain dark, which is cool. I'm just wondering why the topic of "fault" was breached at all if the questions in the end were not about fault.

I also wonder why we needed to watch the whole scene. Is there something significant in the specifics of the occurrence? If this is true to an experience, that's fine. Maybe the writing was cathartic, but in terms of a piece to be published, the plot is not unique enough to defend spending that amount of time and detail on it.

What I'm saying is that the interest is in these honest, hurtful questions at the end, and why waste time on anything else? I want to focus on that emotion: the getting up after falling down. That's interesting to me. There's lots of stories about falling, that say, "Sometime later, things were okay again." But I'd like to see the arms that shake as they push themselves to stand up again. I'd love to see the recovery given as much detail and consideration as the steps through the actually occurrence.

Hopefully this is helpful to you!
Lemme know if you have any questions or comments about my review by PM.
Good luck and keep writing~






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Sat Jun 29, 2013 6:35 am
Dutiful wrote a review...



Hi there!! Wow its been quite a loong time since I reviewed. Here it goes!:

First of all, I loved it! I really did. You have such an amazing way of portraying emotions, I can't do it at all! It was really good!

I like the theme of the story, it educates young girls like us on how to be careful and how easily they can get raped. Is there going to be a sequel for this? How she deals with the aftermath? I sure hope so.

Secondly, there isn't much for me to criticise about, other than a few typos here and there. You could have it checked.

Ugh, what a short review. I hate myself for this, but it was only what I could come up with. Sorry :D

Keep writing! Good job!






Thank you :) I wasn't really thinking about a sequel but that's a good idea :)




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