Young Writers Society

Hey there, singingwriter, if I remember correctly I read the first part of this, didn't I? I found the first part pretty interesting so I'm really interested to see what happens next. You've already got some great critiques on this so I'm not sure how helpful I'm going to be, but I'll try my best. I won't bother with nit-picks this time because they're a bit time consuming and they're hardly a necessity because they're things you can spot yourself. As a result, I'm just going to get straight into my overall opinion and let you know what I liked about this part, and then try and conjure up some critiques to help you improve your piece.

Okay, so this seems to be progressing really interestingly. Not a great deal happens in this part, and it's not the longest part in the world compared to the first one, but I like that you are moving the story forward at a nice pace. Nothing seems to rushed, but it doesn't feel like you're going to slow or anything either. You have a good balance overall. As with the first part of this story, your grammar is also overall very good. There was definitely nothing that stood out to me as especially faulty, and so it was a really nice, smooth read. I'm also still interested by the concept of this, and thus far this does seem to me like an original and unique story idea. I'm definitely intrigued to find out what happens next.

I'm going to admit that I don't have an awful lot of critiques because either previous reviewers have covered everything I wanted to say, or the fact that this part is a short one without any major events because as a result, I don't have an awful lot to work with. One thing I do want to bring up though is that I'm not sure how I feel about the dialogue interaction you have in this chapter, and just the general character dynamics. In the first part and the beginning of this part, Marie comes across as though this guy scares her. It seems as though he's dangerous, and someone Marie would fear... yet when it comes to her actual behaviour around him, she seems somewhat confident and fearless. Take this example:

"You...um...you've been working out, huh?"

Not only does this just seem strange anyway because c'mon, who would say that to someone after ten years, especially someone Marie apparently fears so much. Plus it could be taken as a pretty suggestive gesture by Tynan, and that must surely be the last thing Marie wants, so you'd think she would be more careful with her words. As well as that issue though, it makes her seem pretty bold in a sense. I know you have her say it in a nervous way, but what it is she's actually saying is pretty odd. I mean, it's a compliment to him, and surely that is the last thing she wants to give him? I guess it's just something to think about.

The other thing that bothers me slightly about this is that while I do love a bit of mystery, and while I do like that you haven't given everything away, I can't help feeling that you may be acting a bit too mysterious with this all. I mean, I quite literally know nothing about Tynan. All I can guess is that he's some sort of ex boyfriend, but that isn't confirmed anywhere, so he could technically be anyone. Don't get me wrong, I want you to keep him as a mysterious character, but I also want to feel like I can at least grasp onto some information about him. Even if it would just be confirmation that he's an ex boyfriend of Marie's, and if he isn't, I'd just like to know what does connect him to her. It's just that as it stands with the amount of mystery surrounding him at the moment, it's almost hard to actually imagine him as, like, a person... He's just a being with no substance who seems pretty darn jerkish.

I think that's all I have to say to be honest. Anything else that I could mention has already been picked up on, and I want to avoid repeating what everyone else has said because that's just annoying for you! Negatives and critiques aside, I am definitely glad I found this, and while I can't help feeling that this would benefit from being longer, I do think it's as equally as interesting as the first part was. If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, just let me know and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. just drop me a private message, reply to this review e.t.c.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello singingwriter1673!

I am here to review Part 2! Well, to be frank, I liked Part 1 much better than Part 2. Maybe because Part 1 had more detail to it and it sounded much more creepier and left me with thoughts. I thought Part 2 would have more to it but I didn't expect it to be less shortened when it came to details. But nevertheless, you left me hooked. Again.

My body screamed to get close to him but my mind roared to get him out of my apartment.

Excellent! I loved this part. It totally speaks about the difference of the mind and body, just the exact thought of what a girl could feel towards a guy of her past.

"Well, I'm sorry that I'm a little shocked at your presence," I snapped, surprised that I could even speak with his presence controling my emotions.

In replacement to "that", shouldn't it be "but"? Just asking, I had my doubts.

That's all I found from this Part! I'm eagerly waiting for Part 3! And again, hats off to being a great writer! I am looking forward to your works!

Keep Writing! ~
ChocoCookie

Hiya singingwriter! I have returned for part 2

You've done it again! And by that I mean you've left it at a really good cliff-hanger which really makes me want to read more. I also quite like that the stories sort of changed into dark fiction, or at least that's where I see it headed at the moment. I know it seems I'm just repeating what I said last time, but it seems one of your strong points was your dialogue.

Okay, now you may have heard of something called showing, not telling. This is to show that something is like this, through dialogue, actions, or description, rather than just telling it straight. In your story:

I knew what he was capable of and I had no idea how much more cruel he had become through the years.

We don't know what he is capable of! Maybe instead of saying this, the MC could tell a back story of something horrible he did to show us what he's capable of. This would be really good because it would add more meat to your story, and I think that is needed right now.

Also, it is drawn to my attention that most of this is dialogue. I think you need to add in descriptions of different things. I'm not talking about how the characters say certain things, but more about what's going on around them. What actions do they do? Really try and picture it in your head, with detail and then get it down so that we as readers can picture it too!

"You...um...you've been working out, huh?" I choked out.

I thought that this was a bit odd. I mean, I totally get that she's shocked to see him, but would she really say that? Try and think of firstly what you would do in the situation, then perhaps people you know. Then this will help you to see how people react to situations better. Unless of course this is how she really is, then I'd like to see that better described in other parts of the story!

I hope this helped, please PM me with the next part.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

Maleficent here with a review!

I could risk him hurting me.

I could risk being hurt.

oposite

Opposite*

but what seemed sexy when James had done it only seemed creep when Tynan did it.

But what seemed appeciative and sexy when James looked at me was corrupted with uneasiness as Tynan now did the same.

The italics are just alternatives and what I would have written.
Another comment is just that you should try to include her name somewhere, I know it's probably in Part 1 but even so!

I really liked reading this, nothing majorly wrong just that one mistake really. You've done a good job and I'm kicking myself for not reading Part 1. I only realised that this was Part 2 when I looked to the right in hopes of reviewing some of your other stuff!

Hehe. I don't care though! I'm going to read Part 1 and I shall review that too.
Thanks for sharing!

Happy Review Day!