Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The town of Liberton Rock, America was one of the few places in the world that never had to adapt. While the rest of America was viciously embroiled in the violent tornado of terrorism, this particular settlement remained isolated from the madness that surrounded them. For the people of Liberton Rock, isolation meant peace. Peace meant freedom. Never did they have endure the same trials as the big-city bankers of New York, or the bloodthirsty politicians in Washington. They were contented with simple life, something that has become a rarity, in a society where connectivity and interaction means power. Those in Liberton Rock took what they needed from outside establishments, and quietly went on. Inter-settlement relations meant little to them, and they had every thing they needed. A stable economy, plenty of agriculture, and competent public services. However, while in Liberton Rock, it is unlikely you would require emergency services, for there is a surprising lack of any real emergency. The people here realise that because their town is cut off from the rest of the world, causing trouble causes chaos. And so, everyone expects, rather than requests, that each citizen of the small town to do their duty. To remain diligent, and uphold a responsible and productive life. A simple life.

However, Liberton Rock could always be seen as a poisoned chalice. Outside of Liberton, there were plenty who wanted to cause chaos. All of them each as desperate for recognition as the next. And this is where Liberton Rock becomes the largest target on the shooting range that is America. Chaos was not a word synonymous with Liberton, and by distancing themselves from the idea of mayhem, they in fact stepped very much close towards it. Because there was someone out there, shrouded in the fog of city skyscrapers and the herds of yellow taxis, who wanted to cause chaos. But who would acknowledge him in a city full of maniacs. Even the journalists, the politicians, everyone was insane somehow. You couldn't not be in a city such as this. The insatiable, insufferable noise, and the barbaric, yet beautiful skyline. The city was too small for him, because it was too big. This saboteur wanted his name to be etched in to people's memories till long after he was gone. But he had to begin his crusade in an area where madness was not something you witnessed daily.
The research began..

I think this has a lot of promise. I especially liked the line, "...and by distancing themselves from the idea if mayhem, they in fact stepped very much close towards it." However, how has Liberton been able to distance itself from the rest of America, what with war, political debates and other demanding problems? It seems slightly unrealistic. All in all, this was a pretty good piece.

Hello. Iggy here to review.

Like Stella said, the paragraphs are a major nitpick of mine. It's a lot of words for just one paragraph, so I suggest breaking it up. 5-6 sentences will make a decent paragraph, as we learned in elementary school, so find a good place to break those two up.

Another nitpick is the length. To me, this seems more like a prologue than it does a chapter. I recommend you change the title of this to "Chaos in Liberton - Prologue". Normally I would suggest adding on more to make this a decent chapter, but it doesn't have that chapter feel. It covers the basics of the history of Liberton, and we haven't even been introduced to the narrator, so I think this would do better as a prologue than a chapter.

This looks like it has promise, so feel free to shoot me a PM or post on my wall with a link to chapter one, whenever it's up. Cheers!

~ Iggy.

Hey there, Stella here!
So I review a lot of openings in my time in YWS, because for a lot of people that's the only bit of a novel that they actually put up. I always believe in the power of the first line, and the first few paragraphs.

Your first line here has promise, but somehow I'm not buying the rest of it. Firstly, those are two big paragraphs. I know that sounds silly, but you might want to try breaking them up. We're tempted to scan big paragraphs and if you put them at the very beginning of your novel people are going to think that your whole novel is going to be dense. So first tip: break these up.

Second tip: in your first few lines, you mention "the world" and then "America." It makes a global audience (like me) feel like you think America is the whole world. It isn't.

But overall, while these were nicely written, as a beginning it's not my favourite thing in the world. It's a bit of what we call an infodump. You have one paragraph describing your location and one describing your villain's motives - because, yes, that's what we need to know. But we don't need to know it right now. The best way to start a story, I always think, is to start the story. Where does the story really start? When someone in Liberton Rock notices something strange? When there's an explosion? When? I would always say to start there. I know it's tempting to do this kind of thing- heck, I do it myself, in my first drafts. But in subsequent rewrites I take this information and use in in bite-size amounts throughout the story. Your beginning gets so so so much stronger. And a good start is half the work!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x