A Last Sight.

by StoneHeart

Published June 24, 2013

12+ Violence

“Evere's! To your positions!”

Kyus gritted his teeth at the announcer's voice and jerking a spear off of the rack on the wall, he took a deep breath and paced through the portal to the arena.

The massive, three level, three-quarter granite hippodrome opened out onto the Gnadenfeld, the endless desert that bordered Arsaterisk City. The instant he stepped into the arena, the four hundred thousand Arsateriski's seated above him leaped to their feet, screaming their blood-lust.

Slowly he raised his spear. No backing down now.

The screaming re-doubled.

From the opposite side of the arena appeared Kyus' opponent: Ervius, six foot seven, four hundred and sixty five pounds of solid, sword-wielding muscle, he had held the position of Champion of the Everemium for seven years.

“Upon the Governors mark, may the Everemi' begin!” the thick-chested announcer roared from where he stood on a thick stone pedestal in the middle of the arena.

Kyus sighed, and lowering his spear, fell into stance. He didn't belong in this arena. But the Everemi was where the criminals, the prisoners of war, and the traitors of Arsaterisk were sent to die, spectacularly, before very the people of the land they had spited.

A richly clad nobleman stood from his gilt throne in the middle of the arena, just behind the announcer. Governor Vyarak of Arsaterisk city. His glance flitted between the two warriors, leaving Kyus a particularly hateful glance, and then he raised his arms.

Go Kyus, Kyus hissed to himself, let these people never forget Kyvia!

His spear flashed in the light of the falling sun, shining brilliantly into the hippodrome form the east, and with a searing Sovirai war screech, he charged his opponent.

Ervius grinned sneeringly, and slowly drew his four foot long, fifty pound battle-sword. Raising the weapon over his head he charged, his massive feet pounding against the dusty ground, raising clouds of the stuff behind him.

Kyus poured every ounce of his strength into his body. He strained ever muscle in his body until he felt they would tear. He ran faster than he'd thought he ever could, sending the wind whistling through his long black hair.

For Kyvia, he whispered to himself.

CRASH! The spectators watched in breathless awe as the two men collided. A cloud of sparks flew, steel flickered, and dust rose.

Kyus felt no pain. He only had one objective: Take down the Arsaterisk. SMASH! His spear whacked the giant's legs right out from under him, causing him to grunt in surprise.

Without a pause, Ervius rolled to the side and leaped to his feet, his eyes glowing with pure hate,” you will die for that, Sovir!” he hissed, spitting the last word out with such vehemence it seemed to shatter.

“You're already dead!”

“You idiot,” the giant said, circling his opponent, sending his sword crashing in testily every now and then,” your people are dead! We were amazed when we found you and that one bi-”

Kyus screamed in rage and attacked. He was everywhere! He had no limits! He was Sovirai! Not even death could stop him from having his revenge!

But fast and powerful as he was, Ervius was able to match him, knocking his blows to the side, and keeping Kyus busy at the same time. He sneered,” die Sovir, you have no hope!”

Kyus flipped backwards, dodging the Arsateriski's sword once again,” I always have hope,” he whispered. Slowly he raised his right hand.

Without warning, Ervius crashed to the ground, pinned down by an invisible force. The crowds, again screaming, slowly went silent.

“Your damned mind-powers will not stop me,” hissed Ervius, struggling helplessly. Fear shone in his eyes.

Slowly Kyus stepped away from his downed opponent, and lowered his spear, waiting for him to stand. Ervius stared up at Kyus in amazement. Slowly he rolled over and stood, but uncertainty glinted in his features now.

Again Kyus attacked, with fury un-quenched, desperately trying to rid the world of the person who had ended his greatest hope. His greatest responsibility. His greatest love.

But slowly realization dawned on him. Ervius was too good. He hadn't been able to defeat him before, and nothing had changed. The two of them were as closely matched as two warriors could be, but in the end Erviuses endurance always won out.

His breathing became heavier, his heart pounded in his chest . . . his spear became heavy in his arms. Thwack, the next instant he found himself lying on his back, his spear gone from his grasp, looking up the shining blade of Ervius' sword, into the massive Everemi's thoughtful eyes.

He took a deep breath, tears stinging his eyes,” get it over with.”

The other man hesitated and then, to Kyus' surprise, he lowered his sword and reaching down, pulled him to his feet.” No.” He said firmly.

Kyus blinked in surprise, but Ervius looked away, turning to the panel of lords and officers watching the Everemium from above.

The Governor slowly rose.” Ervius!” he called down,” kill the prisoner! Why do you wait?”

Ervius shook his head,” I leave the task to another. I will not kill him.”

The Governor's eyes came together in a V under his long curly hair,” Ervius! You have almost completed your duties. Kill this last man and you will be a free man, a citizen of Arsaterisk. You will have fame! You will have rank! Kill him!”

Ervius glanced back at Kyus, his stony features softening,” my apologies sire!” he said,” but the fight has already been won. The Sovir has won. He could have killed me, but he did not!”

The Governor looked flustered,” he cheated. He used his powers!”

The Everemi shrugged,” I used vastly superior strength. He did not cheat, sire. I have lost.”

“Only one of you may leave this arena alive,” the Governor said ominously,” if you refuse to fight then both shall die! It is the law.”

Ervius smiled thinly at Kyus. Kyus shook his head,” don't do this!”

The other man turned to the panel once again,” so be it!” he nodded to Kyus,” I'd rather die with an honourable man than serve them. Sovir.” The word was filled with respect now.

Kyus was amazed. Above him the governor raised his hands and a dozen archers appeared, bows readied.” This was your choice, Ervius!” he said finally.

Kyus suddenly froze, and looked into Ervius' light blue eyes,” you're a Sphanx!”

Ervius slowly raised his sword over his head and nodded.

Kyus smiled. He picked up his sword and saluted back to the massive Sphanx. He was distantly aware of the governor nodding to the archers.

He had come so far! He had done so much! Kyvia had died because of him. He was the last of his people. . . . He looked up at Ervius. Why not die like this? As the last of his people, standing honourably beside a fellow warrior of code.

The bows twanged.

The world went black.

Arsatersk was levelled.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Twinkle4ever
Review
Twinkle4ever wrote a review Review · Jun 27, 2013

Hi, I just thought I'd read some short stories. I haven't read action in a while and this sort of made up for all the time I didn't read. It had so much going on, so many emotions all tangled at once. The desire to win, the confidence, I could feel all that by reading about Kyus. Your narration was pretty good. The only tiny problem that I had to face was how to pronounce the word Vyarak and Arsaterisk.

Overall, as a fan of action, I was overwhelmed with the ongoing scene. My heart was at my throat all the while I read the fight. You created that atmosphere of fear and mystery in a way that the mystery was what caused the fear. I really liked Kyus's dialogues as they revealed his emotions about his people, his loved one, his honour. And at first I thought this Ervius guy was some idiot with a lot of muscle but by the end of the story, I ended up respecting him.

The last three lines were the best. Short but affective. I loved it all. The new world that you've created here, it's made me wonder more about the past, what might have happened. It seems like a war. Keep up the good work! :)

Thanks :P

You'd say Vyarak 'Vie (as in, to 'vie' for power) - ah - rack.
And Arsaterisk: Are-sa-tear-isk ('isk' as in 'risk').

Thanks again!

User avatar
ArcticMonkey
Review
ArcticMonkey wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2013

Hiya Neth! Here for part 2 of your review requests.

Firstly, nitpicks in the spoiler:

Spoiler
Kyus gritted his teeth at the announcer's voice and jerking a spear off of the rack on the wall, he took a deep breath and paced through the portal to the arena.

This sentence is rather long and could do with another pause.

He was everywhere! He had no limits! He was Sovirai! Not even death could stop him from having his revenge!

Too! Many! Exclamation! Marks! Exclamation marks are best used as minimal as possible, so when they are used it's more effective.

One last thing is I found speech, it was often, for example like this:
Kyus suddenly froze, and looked into Ervius' light blue eyes,” you're a Sphanx!”

When it should be like this:
Kyus suddenly froze, and looked into Ervius' light blue eyes, "you're a Sphanx!"
So basically, the speech marks was in the wrong place, and that was often the case with your dialogue. This isn't a huge deal, but something that should be mentioned.


Now onto the review! Starting with character, I think you definitely need to add more depth to them. I think what you've got so far is good, but there really need to be more introductions. I found that there were way too many characters coming into the story without any proper introductions so it all got a bit messy. Another thing is that I think your characters need more descriptions, and it needs to be clearer who the MC actually is. This can be done by the way they speak, what they do, or simply describing them. I think that there was a lack of simple appearance descriptions too. Don't be fooled by the 'looks don't matter' saying- because in literature they do! :P

Your dialogue was pretty good and helped ease the story along. I think it was quite effective, the dialogue that you did use. However, I sometimes felt that it wasn't really needed and could be replaced by actions of characters. And as I mentioned with the characters, dialogue should be used to reveal more about the characters. And finally, remember that 'said' is a verb that is okay to use more often, and doesn't need an adverb followed by it too.

One thing I thought this story really lacked was not only descriptions of character, but descriptions of the setting. Judging from the genre, this all isn't taking place on a high street up the road and is more in a completely different world. Adding more descriptions will help the reader imagine things more, and just better understand the story. Not only descriptions, but interesting descriptions too, about where it is happening, maybe even what the weather's like. Something to think about...

Lastly, I think the main thing that needs improvement is the pacing. I found that the majority of your sentences were really long and included many pauses. This is okay for descriptions, but for action scenes they really need to be short and snappy. And based on the genre of this, there needs to be more short sentences when something big happens. Also, having the same length sentence each time makes it quite boring to read, despite what it going on.

I hope this helped! PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else reviewed.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

Lol, I'm still working on my dialogue marking problems. :) Your exclamation points point is completely right! I'll see into it! Same with the first suggestion. Thanks for those.

And I requested this review O.o lol.

First part of the main review: Got that. If you read through this piece and think about it a bit you'll see what I'm doing. It's not about a MC at all . . . it's about a point. This is just the equivalent of a quick action chapter in the middle of a novel, tossed out there randomly because I wanted to make a point. . . .

I understand what you mean in the second paragraph, but again it is negated - as stated above. Sorry :D I tend to have a lot of shallow dialogue . . . but that's my style I guess.

Okay, so again, with the third paragraph, if I were writing a real novel chapter, in a different world, where you'd never seen a thing that's there, then I'd give you more descriptions than you'd need. But that's not what I'm doing. The descriptions aren't important here, I just made the setting in another world for the sake of mystery and intrigue.

And yeah, the point of the piece, for me, was to practice my action. Thanks for the final suggestion!

~Black~

Lol, I'm still working on my dialogue marking problems. :) Your exclamation points point is completely right! I'll see into it! Same with the first suggestion. Thanks for those.

And I requested this review O.o lol.

First part of the main review: Got that. If you read through this piece and think about it a bit you'll see what I'm doing. It's not about a MC at all . . . it's about a point. This is just the equivalent of a quick action chapter in the middle of a novel, tossed out there randomly because I wanted to make a point. . . .

I understand what you mean in the second paragraph, but again it is negated - as stated above. Sorry :D I tend to have a lot of shallow dialogue . . . but that's my style I guess.

Okay, so again, with the third paragraph, if I were writing a real novel chapter, in a different world, where you'd never seen a thing that's there, then I'd give you more descriptions than you'd need. But that's not what I'm doing. The descriptions aren't important here, I just made the setting in another world for the sake of mystery and intrigue.

And yeah, the point of the piece, for me, was to practice my action. Thanks for the final suggestion!

~Black~

Lol, I'm still working on my dialogue marking problems. :) Your exclamation points point is completely right! I'll see into it! Same with the first suggestion. Thanks for those.

And I requested this review O.o lol.

First part of the main review: Got that. If you read through this piece and think about it a bit you'll see what I'm doing. It's not about a MC at all . . . it's about a point. This is just the equivalent of a quick action chapter in the middle of a novel, tossed out there randomly because I wanted to make a point. . . .

I understand what you mean in the second paragraph, but again it is negated - as stated above. Sorry :D I tend to have a lot of shallow dialogue . . . but that's my style I guess.

Okay, so again, with the third paragraph, if I were writing a real novel chapter, in a different world, where you'd never seen a thing that's there, then I'd give you more descriptions than you'd need. But that's not what I'm doing. The descriptions aren't important here, I just made the setting in another world for the sake of mystery and intrigue.

And yeah, the point of the piece, for me, was to practice my action. Thanks for the final suggestion!

~Black~

Lol, I'm still working on my dialogue marking problems. :) Your exclamation points point is completely right! I'll see into it! Same with the first suggestion. Thanks for those.

And I requested this review O.o lol.

First part of the main review: Got that. If you read through this piece and think about it a bit you'll see what I'm doing. It's not about a MC at all . . . it's about a point. This is just the equivalent of a quick action chapter in the middle of a novel, tossed out there randomly because I wanted to make a point. . . .

I understand what you mean in the second paragraph, but again it is negated - as stated above. Sorry :D I tend to have a lot of shallow dialogue . . . but that's my style I guess.

Okay, so again, with the third paragraph, if I were writing a real novel chapter, in a different world, where you'd never seen a thing that's there, then I'd give you more descriptions than you'd need. But that's not what I'm doing. The descriptions aren't important here, I just made the setting in another world for the sake of mystery and intrigue.

And yeah, the point of the piece, for me, was to practice my action. Thanks for the final suggestion!

~Black~

Lol, I'm still working on my dialogue marking problems. :) Your exclamation points point is completely right! I'll see into it! Same with the first suggestion. Thanks for those.

And I requested this review O.o lol.

First part of the main review: Got that. If you read through this piece and think about it a bit you'll see what I'm doing. It's not about a MC at all . . . it's about a point. This is just the equivalent of a quick action chapter in the middle of a novel, tossed out there randomly because I wanted to make a point. . . .

I understand what you mean in the second paragraph, but again it is negated - as stated above. Sorry :D I tend to have a lot of shallow dialogue . . . but that's my style I guess.

Okay, so again, with the third paragraph, if I were writing a real novel chapter, in a different world, where you'd never seen a thing that's there, then I'd give you more descriptions than you'd need. But that's not what I'm doing. The descriptions aren't important here, I just made the setting in another world for the sake of mystery and intrigue.

And yeah, the point of the piece, for me, was to practice my action. Thanks for the final suggestion!

~Black~

User avatar
LittleFox
Review
LittleFox wrote a review Review · Jun 24, 2013

This is really good!Quality writing, I love it! Sometimes it's hard for me to keep my attention of some writing, but this hooked me easily. Great description and word usage. Good characters and setting. I like how it starts right at the action. Has a very interesting plot. Wonderful ending I would love to read more of your work :)

There was only one mistake I noticed, may wanna switch 'the' and 'very' >"before very the people of the land they had spited."

Okay, thanks! :P

User avatar
rishabh
Review
rishabh wrote a review Review · Jun 24, 2013

it's nice work but very old school and immature. tell me one thing that this is 21st century and who read this kinda stories. change ur writing style li'l bit and write treandy stuff.

in this line " Ervius, six foot seven, four hundred ..............." 'foot' is wrongly placed over here. it should be in plural 'feet'. so the sentence should be reconstruct as "ervius,
six feet seven, four hundred........" .

please think on ur writing style. i am not saying u write bad. ur writing is okay.........but add more trendiness in ur language. frankly speakin ur story is not in demand in this century. this is out of century work.


overall, don't loose ur confidence and work hard on ur language.

sorry for my harsh review.

Lol, this isn't harsh in the least (ever gotten a review from LC?)

*shivers.

On your first objection (grammatical one) you are, sadly, incorrect. I'm not listing a row of facts about the character, I'm adding facts on, leading up to a climax :P It's correct. But don't mind.

And another thing, what's 'in demand' is very variable, I've read NY Best sellers that have a lot on common with this. So I would say that they are in demand. But that's besides the point, I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me. All I want from you is your opinion, and you gave me that. Thanks!

But be careful, don't make assumptions for humanity. You usually end up wrong.

:P

Thanks.



This looks like a really bad episode of Green Acres.
— David Letterman