Published June 18, 2013
Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,743 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hey there, January blues! I'm June,
I think you have a good idea here, and I like the way your poem started off-- hopeful and full of purpose. Looking at the first stanza,
In my mind, I think this would do better reversed, beginning with "JUST AS GUTTERS ARE", because it starts with a low point and sort of raises the reader with the mention of stars.
From this point on, I'm not terribly sure what the purpose of the poem is, because it tends to wander through ideas, rather than really explore them. The whole thing just comes off as weak, rather than impressionable.
Two cents,
June
Hey Other Blues. Welcome to the traps.
Ok, I dig the idea here, but man, it needs some editing. First, the epigraph. I am a fan of epigraphs when they're done right. An epigraph should be powerful, and serve to link the work to a wider literary canon. The epigraph at the beginning of T.S. Eliot's The love song of J. Alfred Prufrock, for example, is a quote from Dante's Inferno. Reading Prufrock in the light of the epigraph gives it a whole new dimension than if it were read without. Your epigraph here, however, doesn't really add anything to the poem. It's cute, sure, but it's not really necessary. And a good rule of thumb is if it's not actively making the poem better, lose it. So lose the epigraph.
Second, let's talk about content. There's a lot of dead space here, a lot of wasted words. Poetry ≠ prose + line breaks. You must use language efficiently. If a word or line is not absolutely crucial, cut it. This poem could probably be half or even 1/3 as long as it currently is and still say just as much. I'll leave it to you to figure out which bits (although here's a hint: rhetorical questions kill poems).
Third, imagery. A big part of modern poetry is imagery and evocative language. You have to show us something. Compare things to other things. All of us see stars and gutters every day. They're not exciting. As the poet, it's your job to make them exciting. Make us think about them in ways we normally wouldn't. You do that with strong imagery, simile, and metaphor.
So yeah, it's an alright start. The fastest way to improve is to read a lot of good poetry so you develop an idea of what good poetry is supposed to be like.
K.
To begin, I just want to say I really enjoyed this. I mean honestly how can you not like a piece that ends in "a giraffe on a dining table?". I wouldn't be afraid mixing this type of language in throughout the piece. This is awesome, keep writing.
<3bb24
This is really great! You always need something to hold on to. I think this poem could inspire lots of people.
"That’s what stars are for—
Looking up at
Just as gutters are
For down-and-outs
To lie down in—
Or sit up:
In which case
Looking up at stars
Would give them a crick
In the neck
Would stars be what they are
Without gutters?
Would gutters be gutters
Without stars?"
I loved the way you started the poem! Of course along with Oscar Wilde's quote! I would love to keep reading from you!
Keep up the good work!