Young Writers Society

Hey Raven,

So, first off I have to say that I like the content of this poem. You just let it down with the oddly placed punctuation and your rhyming seems forced.

Whenever I try to write rhyming poetry, I generally get comments saying the rhyming seems forced, and I can see what they mean, because the word choices to rhyme tend to ruin the rest of the poems flow. Which is what you have done right here.

Your content is awesome. I enjoyed reading it, but you need to completely scrap the rhyming scheme and adapt the poem to read without it.

Blood stained the streets ; work of the dead
taunting me to go back to bed

Hi Raven, I'm June,

The problem I'm having with this poem is that it feels like you are trying so hard to keep a rhyme scheme, that whatever you're trying to achieve with your poem here gets lost in the muddle. Rhyme scheme is great and all, but when it's forced, it seldom works, so my advice to you here would be to re-evaluate what you want to communicate to your audience and then see what fits into a rhyme scheme; whatever doesn't fit, scrap.

I say this because all it takes is one line to kill the momentum of your poem. You want to generate images, not force them, and here, it feels like you're trying too hard impress a horrific scene that your images are forced. There doesn't feel to be any motive behind the conflict in this poem, rather it is just gliding over my horror receptors, rather than making my hairs stand on end.

Furthermore, I'm not really sure how I feel about the switching of tenses and perception in this poem-- you begin narrating in an ambiguous person, and then you're in third person, and finally, in first-- it makes the poem feel disorganized. I don't see how any of these ideas connect, so it leaves me feeling unimpressed with the entire thing.

My two cents,
June

I love this! It has so much emotion and pain and power in between its line. I enjoy the usage of imagery and certain diction choices just add to the overall power of the piece. I would enjoy seeing this on Tumblr and getting a million notes. All in all, amazingly done!

Hi raven and welcome to YWS! Overall, I think this has some strong dark imagery and the rhyming is done fairly well.

First, a grammar point: I don't think thineself is a word. I Googled it and it says that thy/thyself would be the correct pronouns. I admit it's not my area of expertise, but I've seen thy more than thine (e.g. The Lord's Prayer).

awakening a scream generated from a beast

His still , cold , and metallic eyes leer at mine

for what seemed as if death had entered my lifetime

The Reaper whispered , " Go to thine room and lie there confused
...for..we wouldn't want.. your mind to be open to mental abuse,"

I scream a wicked scream in my dream awaiting it all to end
my legs give in to the grim leaving me on the realm to only begin

I walk away from the sun and come slowly undone
for I know the end has just begun