z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Freezing Diesel

by tacoguy1988


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Freezing Diesel

Chapter 1: Shop Talk

Daryl- “Don’t you love the smell of Diesel?”

John- “No, it smells like shit. They just put in really strong scents in it. That wood oak smell is all fake. Ugh, now they are coming out with new scents, like strawberries and apples.”

Daryl- “Wow thats amazing. The Global Fire Corp can come up with anything! Now exhaust of planes, cars, and trains will smell like anything we want. Hopefully it will taste like strawberries too!”

John- “Drinking Diesel would kill you idiot. And the diesel will still poison the air and warm up the planet even more. You can barely breath in this city anymore. It won’t matter if it smells like strawberries. Damn you are such a dumb fuck”.

Daryl- “I meant only taking a sip. Where is your sympathy? Why do you have to be so mean to me all the time?”

John- “Because you are my lame ass brother”

Daryl- “Hey look, Wreck is coming.”

Wreck- “Hey bitches, you done with my bike? You better be, or I’ll turn your butts into icicles. They don’t call me Freezing Wreck for nothing” he chuckled to his friends.

John- “Yea, we have it done.”

Wreck walked past John and Daryl. Wreck inspected the inspected the bike thoroughly. Wreck deeply hated and loved his bike. He knew it poisoned the earth, but the bike saved his life more than his prowess over ice.

Wreck- “Did you put in the Fire Starter Diesel?”

John- “You know the local security increased your bounty again.”

Wreck- “Nothing local can take me down. Thats for sure.”

John- “Its only a matter of time before you bring the ire of the Global Fire Corp. Practicing ice magic is illegal. They have say ice magic is for terrorists who want to destroy the Power Furnaces.”

Wreck- “Fuck them and their propaganda. Ice magic was the only thing holding back the glaciers from melting. How many people died from the ice caps melting? You grew up with the figures just like I did.”

John- “I am just telling you that you should stop before you're killed”

Wreck- “No, I am going to live under this crap! And I will die on my feet rather on my knees.”

Wreck mounted his bike and drove off to the desert valley. He drove a very obtuse path because he wanted to get into trouble that night. If he can clean some bandit vermin on the way home it would cheer him up a little. He knew no one would thank him because the newspapers would slander him. He knew the local security was corrupt and wouldn’t risk a fingernail to catching anyone actually dangerous. Irregardless, Wreck wanted it to happen and he got his wish.

Chapter 2: Ice

They made the first shot. Bullets zipped past Wreck. Wreck brought out his gun of choice, an automatic shotgun. He threw the canister of drinking water from his bike toward the men and used his shotgun on as the canister swung overhead. Wreck levitated the water over the men's’ faces. And with that he froze their faces off.

A blue radiant shimmer glissen over one of the bodies.

Wreck- “What the fuck? A regenerative shield? That fucking pussy. Real men don’t use energy shields.”

With the energy shield in place Wreck knew he could not freeze the water on him or use the water in his body even if he was close. Wreck knew the shield was tough by the fast oscillations the shield gave off. The pellets of his shotgun wouldn’t bring the shield down.

He knew he would have to use the only weapon he had besides ice and guns. His bike. Wreck tossed off his supplies off the bike and revved his bike and made a course at him. He jumped and threw his bike overhand at him. And the Fire Starter grade Diesel blew the bike into pieces against the energy shield.

Wreck rumbled uncontrollably towards the man. Wreck could now sense the water inside the man’s body. Wreck ignored the immense pain throughout his body and stood up. In a jagged stride he slowly made his way closer to the man. He could now freeze the blood in him. Every inch closer the man felt colder. Growing in this world, the man never knew what being cold was until now. His whole body began shivering. He looked at his hands as they froze over and shattered. His death was not as much painful as it was frightful.

Wreck examined the energy shield coil the man was wearing. The shield coil was bleeding edge stuff. No serial key, and no logo, and no paint job.This energy coil is straight from the workbench. This is not something dime a dozen bandits could come across and steal.

Wreck- “It looks like someone outside is taking an interest in me. And to send these clowns that would have little chance against me, that would mean they only just wanted me know about it”.

Wreck picked up the burnt energy shield coil off the dead man’s body because he knew his brother might be able to use it for scrap. And then took the supplies he tossed off the bike. Wreck would have to walk while extremely bruised from his fall the rest of the way, and with no water. It would be a long walk.

Chapter 3: Home

Wreck arrived at his home with his girl waiting for him.

Jessica- “Did you bring back the supplies?”

Wreck- “I have a whole month worth of food, and the parts for William, but I lost the water.”

Jessica- “Wreck, did you hear about the new scents that are putting in diesel? There are rumours that the new scents will be physically addictive and are going to be produced nearby. The public will never know or believe it because there are no public scientists willing to stand up against them. I wish there would be more men like you with backbones. I love you honey.”

Wreck- “I love you too honey”

Wreck kissed Jessica on the forehead and headed toward the lab. He looked at all the machines around him. He couldn’t help but pondered the dream again each time. An engine that rain on all the abundant salt water. One that produced no exhaust and would turn salt water into drinking water. All that with more mileage than diesel. Him and his brother could sell it under the name Global Chill industries. Wreck loved to pine on this thought. But Wreck knew there was no guarantees in his world. Even when talking big Wreck knew this. He knew that one lucky pot shot could kill him.

William- “I have something to show you.”

Wreck- “What is it?”

William- “I invented portable compressed water canister. It looks like a normal thermos but it will allow you to have more water on hand to use your power. The thermos can hold large number of gallons of water but if its damage it will all rush out. I call it Densa. It can also be used for the transportation of water more cheaply. It could really revolutionize the world. But as long as the Global Fire Corp exist it won’t happen. They have a near monopoly on everything. They will always make transportation expensive.”

Wreck- “My bike was destroyed.”

William- “That is ok, because, I HAVE DONE IT!”

Chapter 4:

William- “Here it is. An engine that can change the world. A engine that doesn’t run on diesel and won’t pollute the environment. It even works with the Densa. Densa can work with water and salt water. Currently only those two substances can work with Densa. I have also made sure this technology can never be used with Diesel. It will take several days to make a new bike to go with this engine. Since it doesn’t use Diesel you can’t blow it like your old ride. But you can finally carry enough water to do even more damage with with your abilities.”

Wreck- “This is incredible... Do you think the rumours about addictive Diesel is true?”

William- “Its true, they are making Diesel scents that are addictive. I have just finished my analyzes of the smokestacks at Diesel processing plant at Argonant. Its being produced there. They are going to turn Diesel into a drug. This could change everything. The entire world population enjoying poison destroying the planet and being addicted to it.”

Wreck- “This is end game. So this means you and me are going to war then?

William- “Yes. Every contact of resistance we found was killed before we got to meet them. I think it will be just us”.

Wreck- “Oh, the bandits that attacked me. One of them had this one them. You know what this means right?”

Instantly William knew.

William- “....If you could have only stayed below the radar longer... There is more bad news. The Silver Latrine was discovered by Global Fire Corp. It was the only large water source of water nearby that wasn't under their control. I already have a plan. They are going to take the water away by train. Me and you are going to take it the water cargo of the train and use it to destroy the chemical plant at Argonant.”

Wreck- “Sounds fun.”

William- “We only have a few days to prepare.”

Chapter 5: Getting Burned

[to be continued]


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93 Reviews


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Wed Jun 19, 2013 4:31 am
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



Hi! Here for a review!

So... I was a bit confused when I started reading this. I didn't understand who the characters were and what they were doing, why they were doing it, any of the setting, background, etc.
Also, I didn't understand what the plot line was exactly. Something to do with diesel, saving the earth? Without this background and characterization, its hard to figure this kind of thing out.
The sentences you used were choppy and need a bit of work, restructuring, flow, etc. There's a lot of stuff I could correct grammatically, but that would take me a while. If you really want me to try to go through and name some of the things I saw, I will, but it'll be a long list.
Overall, you could have an okay story here, but its not very interesting. You're going to need to work on flow and catching the readers attention if you want to make this something great, because honestly, I got bored and pretty much skimmed this.
Sorry this seems harsh, you've got ideas, but the writing man, the writing, it just need to be improved astronomically.
Let me know if I can do anything to help! Don't stop writing, but maybe explore new styles etc., do a little "research reading" and take notes on how those with published works structure things, and set up backgrounds etc.

~*Hope




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Wed Jun 05, 2013 7:37 am
DiskElemental wrote a review...



I'm going to say it now and get it out of the way, this piece needs a whole lot of work before it's worth continuing.

1. "Daryl- “Don’t you love the smell of Diesel?”

John- “No, it smells like shit."

This isn't how novels/short stories are written. You don't put the character's names before their dialogue. I have no idea why you chose to write the story this way, but it flat out doesn't work. Fix it.

2. Descriptions? Actions? Anything? This entire piece is just dialogue, you haven't set the scene, you haven't described the characters, you haven't made them do anything. The characters might as well be dots floating in an endless void. This is both poor story telling, and incredibly boring for the reader.

3. The dialogue is bad too. Everything these characters say feels stiff and wooden, there's no sense of energy or vitality to it. Loosen it up, cut down on words, cut down on periods. Real people don't say five words, then pause, then say five more words, they just keep talking.

3.5. While we're discussing dialogue, let's talk about profanity. I get the feeling that you're swearing for the sake of swearing, which is juvenile.




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19 Reviews


Points: 1182
Reviews: 19

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