I know this isn't good, but I wanted to post it anyway. The more help I can get with short stories, the more I think I can do. And the more I do, the more prepared I can be to actually finish a novel, I think. So reviews are welcome! Tear this apart!
His fingers twitch when he sleeps, and he lies all curled up in a ball like a tabby cat. Sleep is easier on him when I’m around, he says; and I almost find myself afraid to ask what he’s like when he sleeps alone. He’s already so vulnerable then. I don’t want to think about how much worse it could be.
He falls asleep before me, otherwise he won’t sleep at all. In his words, watching me sleep is something he won’t be able to miss if given the chance to see. There’s something about the peace of the subconscious that reminds him of home, I suppose, and we all deep down long for that security, those memories.
So I lie with him and stroke where his wings used to be, and sometimes I hum. It takes hours for him to calm enough, for him to stop thinking enough to let himself slip into slumber; and he only manages to catch four hours at most of sleep each night. In the mornings, he lies with me and lets me sleep in to make up for however much time I missed out on the night before. When I wake, he’s always holding me against his chest so my heart is pressed against his.
It bothers him that he can’t hear it beat from afar anymore, I think; or maybe it just depresses him. He used to be able to hear everything, see everything. He could see the individual cells making up a honeybee, the path it takes to each flower, the design laid out ages before true human existence.
And one night, he described my soul for me.
“It’s so damaged, Asa,” he had whispered. “But it glows all the same, vibrant colors without names. I know you’re broken, that you’ve been witness to so much horror, but it doesn’t show the same fragility your eyes do. It sings songs, wonderful songs—wonderfully sad songs—and I could listen to them for my eternity.”
He hummed one of those wonderfully sad songs, and that’s what I hum to him now. It makes him feel timeless again, makes him feel inhuman. As much as he feels now, those moments that sometimes turn into hours cancel out his pain.
I owe him that, I believe. It was always empathy that doomed him. Why can’t it be empathy that saves him?
He is warm to me, to others, but I see the growing frigidness within his chest. Maybe he encourages it, nurtures it; but I can’t stand the sight. So I distract him, and I make him feel warm again. Sometimes it only takes a touch, others just a word; but sometimes it takes my own pain.
But his love for the winter outweighs his love for the sun, and so he freezes again, his fall never-ending and incomplete.
I loved it!! It was so mysterious yet beautifully tragic.
I think that you need to have more confidence in yourself as a writer because if you don't, you're not going to enjoy it as much.
The story really intrigued me and I really wanted to read more. To understand it. You are a fantastic writer and honestly I think you have a real future in the business.
This is such a graceful, eloquent short story.
There aren't any errors that I can see and it's all written so well and so realistically. I love the dialogue.
I have a few complaints, but it doesn't really have to do with your writing. First, the title doesn't have much to do with the story. It could be something more interesting. The story itself could have been longer with more info, but I understand it was just a short story. It still conveyed a point without all the details, which is your purpose (to clearly convey your thought or main idea).
Next, as a writer, you need to recognize whether or not your writing is good or bad. To me, it's unbecoming when you said that it's not good in the beginning. It's great to be a perfectionist and channel that into making your work just right, but it's important to know when your work is at a point where it can't be humbled without it seeming as though you are seeking attention. I don't know how serious you are about writing, but if you were to send this into an editor or publisher, they wouldn't tolerate you demeaning your own piece of work.
This is brilliant, and you should already know that to some point.
Write more and let me know if you do. I love your writing! <3
Perfection.
So freaking well done. I loved it. It was so bittersweet.
My favorite part of the story is this: "It’s so damaged, Asa,” he had whispered. “But it glows all the same, vibrant colors without names. I know you’re broken, that you’ve been witness to so much horror, but it doesn’t show the same fragility your eyes do. It sings songs, wonderful songs—wonderfully sad songs—and I could listen to them for my eternity."
The emotion here was fabulous. I was enthralled.
Good job! And good luck with your writing!
Marvelous! This is the first piece I've read on YWS since I failed to come online for a few weeks. Your writing is so soothing.
Describing such once magnificent creature as a delicate, baby-like individual, in need of calm and sleep is done very well here. The emotions flow so vividly.
I fail to detect any significant error in this piece, so I'll just stick to the applaud.
Can I just say wow? How can you say your not good at short stories, this was absolutely amazing, like no joke it brought tears to my eyes for this poor fallen angel.
I did notice a few things that I would change or that I have questions about but its nothing major.
1. In the beginning when you said "and I almost find myself afraid to ask what he’s like when he sleeps alone. He’s already so vulnerable then. I don’t want to think about how much worse it could be." when you say he's already so vulnerable then did you mean when he's alone? This part is just a little confusing.
2. "It bothers him that he can’t hear it beat from afar anymore, I think; or maybe it just depresses him." I think it would sound better if you took the I think part and just left the rest.
3. "And one night, he described my soul for me." In my opinion just take out the for me part and it would sound better.
Ozer zan zat excellent job Kidnappa :3
I have to say, this is really good. I don't really understand why you say you're not good enough. I'm really bad with short stories, you're not. I love the way you describe the feelings of you and the angel. Express very good emotions. This story is really good, I would love to keep reading it if you continue it. Like @caeai says, I think you should explain a little more of how the met and why does he feels this way towards Asa.
It's still great, though.
Keep up the good work!
Hi there! Do I know you under another name? You never know with you crazy kids these days with all your name changes... anyway, Stella here to review!
Overall I actually... really liked this. You managed to tell a lot of story in a very short piece so nice job on that 
I really liked the way you did it! I would say though that what I'd like to see is just a smidgeon more detail on those things, like the "horrors" that Asa saw. I loved the description but I would have just liked just a hint- not anything explicit or obvious- of what happened to her. Similarly, I'd like a few more details on how they met/how things happened. While I really love how you've managed to capture the essence of an epic romance in such a short piece, I think it could benefit from just a little more explanation. Just a little. A few extra sentences won't injure the overall form of the piece but it will leave your readers feeling more fulfilled.
Other than that they're mainly nitpicks. I feel your first line could be two sentences instead of one. I also found the first few paragraphs pretty repetitive- they're nice to read but there's a sort of trundling "get to the point" feel about them that I'm sure you could figure out.
But overall I really don't have a lot of complaints about this one! Great job
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Goooooood evening,
Like GriffenClaw before me, I'm a tad confused as to the nature of this once-winged creature. I assume it's an angel who gave up his place in the heavens in order to be with the human he loved.
The nuances that you include bring the piece home. Your first sentence compares the [angel?] to a twitchy cat, demonstrating grace and elegance but also a smallness. The things like the past-tense description of what he USED to be able to see: the details of life, and the implied lack thereof now...that's sad and, in a way, sweet. Because he gave it up for her.
What's missing is Asa. Sure, she's present in the narration, but all I know is that she's witnessed "horrors". What horror? Scary clowns or the murder of her family? Specify. Flesh out your characters. Asa seems so flat here.
Ari [I'm assuming that Ari is the name of the once-angel] is a sad character, to be sure, but he's also pathetic. He's crushed into nothingness under all the pity you try to inspire. Truly tragic characters have a strength to them, but ultimately cannot overcome their opposition due to a basic flaw in their persona. I see none of that here.
Also, see how much assuming I did here? Way too much. Clarity is crucial to storytelling.
All said and done, I enjoyed this piece. I'm off to peruse the rest of your portfolio.
-Delaine
p.s.: Your use of language was delicious, by the by. I cannot let that go unlauded.
I have to admire you. I am not willing to even touch angels.
...
...
At least I think he was an angel.
And I'm going to be really disappointed if you don't continue this.
I'm not sure where you were going with some of this. I'm not sure that fallen angels(or partially fallen angels) can eat... or sleep...
And I don't understand this obsession that this angel has with this girl, Asa?
And you don't explain the frigidness in his chest.
I have questions!
You have answers.
...
...
You do have answers, right?
I will get down on my knees and beg!
...
...
Well...
...
...
Maybe not.
But, this intrigues me.
I know I didn't really help much, so:
HOPE I CONVINCED YOU TO WRITE A COMPANION!
~Turtle.
GriffinClaw here to review!
First off: Wow. I know you said that it was bad at the beginning, so I wasn't expecting much, but this is fantastic! The details and descriptions were amazing, I felt so present, so included in the character's minds! I especially love the beginning, when you described the unconscious mind. However, this sentence confused me.
"In his words, watching me sleep is something he won’t be able to miss if given the chance to see."
I was a little baffled by the wording, maybe switch it a bit to make it more understandable?
I was wondering the entire story, what is this creature? He had wings, he can see people's souls. An amazing creation, really, but what is he?
Speaking of which, I loved the description of what he used to be able to see.
"It bothers him that he can’t hear it beat from afar anymore, I think; or maybe it just depresses him. He used to be able to hear everything, see everything. He could see the individual cells making up a honeybee, the path it takes to each flower, the design laid out ages before true human existence.
And one night, he described my soul for me.
“It’s so damaged, Asa,” he had whispered. “But it glows all the same, vibrant colors without names. I know you’re broken, that you’ve been witness to so much horror, but it doesn’t show the same fragility your eyes do. It sings songs, wonderful songs—wonderfully sad songs—and I could listen to them for my eternity.”"
It is so well written and expressed...Amazing.
I really don't think I can correct much here, just to help boost your confidence in your writing skills more!
Continue writing and being amazing!
~GC
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