z

Young Writers Society



The Pencil Tray

by guineapiggirl


There are twelve compartments in the pencil tray, one for each different colour. Despite this, the pencils are all mixed up together, the result of years of students hurrying to put their pencils back, pack their bags and get out of the classroom after a lesson. A red sits in the compartment for dark greens. A dark green sits in the compartment for greys.
John's hand twitches to remove it but he resists. It's only pencils, he tells himself. There's no reason why they should be sorted by colour. It's fine how it is, just fine.
But as the lesson goes on, the tray of pencils plagues on John's mind. He can't concentrate on what Miss Havisham is saying, something about x and y and population. His eyes keep flicking to that misplaced dark green.
After ten minutes, he snaps. He reaches his hand out to the tray, placed on Miss Havisham's desk just in front of his own, picks up the pencil and moves it back to the dark greens. And, with his hand so near, surely it wouldn't hurt to move the red back to its correct place?
His finger knocks another red out of place and underneath there is a yellow. His ears aren't hearing Miss Havisham's words any more as he rummages deeper. Beneath the surface, there are even more pencils in the wrong place than on top. This is no longer a case of just moving two pencils; the whole box is riddled right through with misplacement. He has only scratched the surface of a much larger problem.
It turns out that the red compartment was originally a yellow. Where then do the reds go? In the compartment for pinks, and they in the one for blacks. He is beginning to suspect that he will never be done but, now that he's started, he can't stop.
"John!" the sharp cry distracts John's attention from deciding which compartment to put a lone turquoise in. Miss Havisham's hands are on her hips. Her lips are pursed and one eyebrow is raised, "If the government brought in a tax on children, what effect would this be likely to have on our population?"
John stares at her blankly for several seconds. His classmates stop chewing and playing on their phones for a moment to look at him. Then, "Blue." he murmurs. There are a few faint chuckles. John, already returned to his colours, the pesky turquoise dealt with, doesn't notice.
Miss Havisham, however, is not amused, "We'll talk about this after the lesson."
John, squinting to tell whether a pencil is black or dark brown, doesn't notice. He seems to Miss Havisham like one possessed.
The bell rings for the end of the lesson. John stands up, smiling like one who has just completed a marathon. Every pencil is in its correct compartment.
There is a sudden surge of movement from his classmates. They rush towards the box like a swarm of locusts. One nearly knocks John over. Barely noticing how the dark blues lie all together beside the light blues, they throw their handfuls of pencils on top. A yellow lands in amongst the purples. A white lands in the oranges, a black in the light greens. John reaches out to fix them but the throng is too strong. He is propelled towards the door. A tear pricks at his eye.
Next lesson- when is it? Just two days' time!- he will sort them out again.


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Mon May 27, 2013 2:58 pm
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KatieHope wrote a review...



This was so intense, and it was about pencils! I'm waiting for the dark movie trailer, where it's all threatening until you just see the word "Pencils" flash across the screen. I really enjoyed this though, finding a lot of symbolism where perhaps there wasn't supposed to be any? I could never tell if I was reading too much into the story. Is this compulsiveness supposed to define John's character, or is this just a little quirk of a person with whom we're not supposed to be very familiar? Anyway, this was well-written. I'd certainly encourage you to keep writing but also to keep in mind your audience's previous knowledge when writing mysteries.






I was kind of going for the symbolism thing, yeah! Well, a movie of it would be very cool... It might be very short though. Or, the compulsive pencil tidying could get out of control and it could end up completely ruining his life...
OH MY GOODNESS! I MUST WRITE THE SCREENPLAY
N
O
W
!



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Mon May 27, 2013 3:22 am
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Frayer wrote a review...



Hi, I'm new here and I liked your story so I decided to try my best to review it.

I really liked how the story was about something different and by different I mean "pencils". It's not every day that you read a story about pencils haha.

However, like others I thought the story would have been from an object's point of view, not a person. Doing so actually made the story fall into place there's just one thing I don't understand:
I don't know if it's because you are from a different country than me, but some of the grammar was off. I didn't really see any of the other reviews talk about it so maybe it's just me? And maybe I'm wrong but that seemed to be the only thing that was bothering me.

Overall, I REALLY liked this story. Please keep on writing I want to see some more of your work in the future!
-Frayer






Thank you! I'm from Britain. Where are you from? What grammar things did you spot that were weird?
Thank you again!



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Sun May 26, 2013 4:20 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi guineapiggirl! Overall, this is a very well thought out piece. When I read the description, it seemed like it would be from an object's POV.

I think my main critique would be the pencils themselves. At first, I thought they were regular pencils with different colored barrels, but that would be strange because obviously the students have their own pencils. If they're colored pencils, it seems strange that they would be used regularly in a non-arts class. Students also tend to have their own colored pencils where I went to school, although there were probably extras in the classroom.

His classmates stop chewing and playing on their phones for a moment to look at him.


Erm...you meant chewing gum, right? I assume no one's chewing on their phone.

Also, Miss Haversham never talked to him after class. It seems strange that she'd let him leave after a performance like that. She might think he's on drugs or something (although I don't really know how old he is or how common this behavior is).

Overall, I love how you used the pencils to develop the character, but there were a couple confusing things. Good job and keep writing! :)






Thank you! They're in Geography (it's based on a personal experience of mine in Geography :D ) and I know there's a box of colours in my Geography classroom, but yeah.
I think I kind of forgot to have him talk to Miss H. My bath was running and I wanted to finish the story off!
Thank you again :D



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Sun May 26, 2013 3:38 am
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StoneHeart wrote a review...



Guinea! Haven't seen you 'round in a while! Great to see you've gotten back! I just noticed your name in the green room and thought I owed you another review. For the sake of it.

So! Here goes! First off: Interesting piece. It isn't quite nonsense (;)), but it has a hint of madness/ out-of-the ordinary in it. I like John, he's a good character, quickly and expertly introduced. Good work with him. Your grammar is generally quite exquisite, as is your spelling. I want to say that this story has some kind of theme (A short story theme), but I'm a sucker and themes and will avoid venturing to guess exactly what it is.

Your weakness here really is in your grammar. The least important part of your writing. Everything else is quite well done. So it appears this will end up, like many of mine tonight, another nit-picking, boring little review. But I'm going to do it anyway!

Grammar: Most of your mistakes here are real simple things, based along the lines of incorrect general grammar use and smaller simple things.

It's only pencils, he tells himself. There's no reason why they should be sorted by colour. It's fine how it is, just fine.

For some reason the grammar checker I'm running this through keeps telling me that 'colour' and 'grey' are misspelled, but I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not they are. For this sentence I think you should use a semi-colon or a colon instead of a comma after the comma in the second part (After the 'is'), but that my just be me.

But as the lesson goes on, the tray of pencils plagues on John's mind.

Generally speaking, you can have something plague something else, but it's rare that a plague will 'plague on' something. Think about it. I advise you to get rid of that 'on' before 'John's'.

He can't concentrate on what Miss Havisham is saying, something about x and y and population.

Okay, so whenever you use an abbrev like 'Miss' or 'Mrs' you always follow it with a period. Thus 'Miss Havisham' would be 'Miss. Havisham'.

His ears aren't hearing Miss Havisham's words any more as he rummages deeper. Beneath the surface, there are even more pencils in the wrong place than on top.

Okay, so the 's on the end of words usually signifies :'word' is: I don't think that's how you meant to use it here however. 'Any more' should be one word: 'Anymore'. There should be no comma in the second sentence. :)

Miss Havisham's hands are on her hips.

Stressing that 's on the end of Havisham (And the lack of a period after 'Miss'). You wouldn't say 'Mr Turner's cow trampled a field of oats', you'd say 'Mr. Turners cow trampled a field of oats'. Simple problem – easy not to notice.

Miss Havisham, however, is not amused, "We'll talk about this after the lesson."

Ah, okay. There is a COMMA before the 'We'll', not a period. The 'w' should be a small one I do believe, or the comma should be a period. First option I think though.

Next lesson- when is it? Just two days' time!- he will sort them out again.

Okay, 'days'' is an inapplicable use of grammar. You can't use it ANYWHERE, not on 'days'. You should use just plain 'days'. Also, in the middle of a non-dialogue sentence such as this, an exclamation point acts as a period. You need to capitalize that 'h' on 'he'. Also I think you should add a 'then' on the end of this sentence.

And that, I do believe, should cover pretty much all of your easily found grammar mistakes! I'm sorry if my reviews aren't of previous quality, your writing is what's improved (My reviews have as well though ;P).

Before moving out I'd like to specifically stress two things: What a great, driven, focused, and interesting character John is: And what a great control over the present tense you have. I'm especially impressed with the second. Nice work.

Anyway, I hope this helped!

Keep writing – Remember - A writer improves through practice, practice, practice and more practice.


~Black~






Very long review! Danka scherny schern! The colour and grey things are British English spellings rather than American English spellings. I always wonder whether to change it seeing as this is a mainly American site, but... :D
I'm glad you liked John and thanks very much for a lovely review :D



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Sun May 26, 2013 2:12 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review.

This story made me laugh. It made me laugh because I could totally see myself doing exactly what John did. I'm so OCD about stuff like that. You did a great job getting into his mind and really showing us how he feels about this pencil box; like his life can't go on until it's organized by color.

There's no real description in this, but I feel like that's okay. The focus of this story is on John and this pencil box. It doesn't matter how many chalkboards are in the room, who he's sitting next to, what color the desk is. All that matters is organizing the pencils. I would like to have seen some description of John and Miss Havisham. It doesn't need to be much, maybe just their eye or hair color. Just give the reader something to connect each of the characters with so they can create a clean picture in their mind.

A few critiques:

There are twelve compartments in the pencil tray, one for each different colour. Despite this, the pencils are all mixed up together, the result of years of students hurrying to put their pencils back, pack their bags and get out of the classroom after a lesson.

*this sounds better written like this. The less words used, the better. You don't need the 'different' in here because by saying 'each', you're implying that there is more than one color.

He seems to Miss Havisham like one possessed.

*you should definitely stick with John's POV here. You switch to the teacher's for one sentence, but the damage is done. The story is told in third person so you should be Abe to jump from one person's mind to another, but this is the first time you mention Miss Havisham's opinion so I suggest leaving it out.

*there are a few grammar errors that I won't point out right now because I know you can find them if you read this over again.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this story. I felt like I could really relate to John. Kudos to you for creating such a good character. I give this 4.2/5 drops of hot sauce (horray for review day team spirit! ^-^).

Keep writing!
**Noelle**






Thank you for the really helpful comments! I particularly love your suggestions for the opening paragraph :D
I'm glad you could relate to John! He's based on me, as is the obsession with pencils. I made it another person to make it less... painful to write about :D



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Sun May 26, 2013 12:17 am
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Aley wrote a review...



That is a beautiful open for an OCD character.

X and Y have very little to do with economics. She should be talking about supply and demand if she wants economics, or the GDP.

Miss Havisham, however, is not amused, "We'll talk about this after the lesson."
...
...He seems to Miss Havisham like one possessed.

Why, I ask you, why, would we suddenly have HER point of view thrown into this beautiful commentary completed and executed from the mind of an OCD character? Separate your thoughts just like he separates his pencils.

Overall, I really like this. There's not much wrong with it. Watch some of your comma/period speech work, but that's debated constantly. I'd suggest keep with what you feel comfortable.

You do have some issues about the actual content though. For instance, what about his own pencils? Why would they be using colored pencils? Are they in economics or Mathematics? If they're in mathematics, then why is there an economics question? Was it a correlation question? If it is a correlation question, then please, for the love of mathematics, include that the Ys and the Xs are moving up and down at the very least, because population, y, and x, could be anything and it's annoying me not to know.

Congrats, you've successfully touched my OCD (jk). XD






Ha ha, thanks :D I think a couple of people have brought up about switching to her POV so I'll cut that.
They're in Geography and it's a graph to do with the factors affecting population. I guess I was vague because I wanted to keep the focus on the pencils and show that John's not really following it either, but I can see how this would annoy me too in a story! :D Thank you!



emmylou1995 says...


I don't have time to review your piece, but I really really liked it! I struggle with the same kind of compulsion, especially when playing cards, I have to have my piles straight. Honestly, you captured the feel very well, so much that it made me feel close to John.




Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
— Captain Jack Sparrow