Young Writers Society

Hey, MindBlown! Haven't seen you around before, but I'm glad to be here reviewing your poem on review day.
So. Right from the start I wanted to see more imagery. The idea of a baby bird falling is kind of painful in theory, when you just talk about it in detached words like "fell from the top", but the reality of the situation holds SO much more emotion that I think you really need to tap to make your last line sparkle and play us out nicely. Show us the pink. The bulging black eyes with the ring of pasty white. Examine what you've found and bring it to us so we can examine it, too. The best thing about writing is to be able to see and live through someone else's life and voice.

I would also really get rid of the rhyme. It's restricting you to writing simple words and simple lines, when I think you can do this situation much more justice if you feel your way into a rhythm in a free verse poem. You can say whatever you want and not try to fit your message into specific words.

But don't think I hated everything. I really liked your last line. When we hear about a bird falling from a tree, it kind of sounds like death. We're worried they broke something, or how can they get back to their mom to get taken care of. But you end with

It's only just began.

Hi MindBlown!

This is super very adorable. I love that it's really just a motivational poem which is pleasant and not at all dark or unpleasant? That sounds odd, but writers can do anything with things fallen from nests. I want to ask why you've decided to capitalise the first letter of every line, it's not necessary to do so I was wondering if that was a personal decision or because of a Word program.

I think that you have good lines, with excellent rhythm, but the lines aren't connecting to one another very well at this point. they have the right lengths and the right sounds but are slightly jarring, particularly the movement between "Just want to stop." and "Chirping in the dry leaves" because I want them to flow along, without the full stop, so that it can be read with a sense of enjambment. That isn't what you're doing right now, but it's a suggestion for next time, double meanings can sometimes be the most interesting ones.

Again, this is very cute and I thank you for posting it. If you ever have any questions, queries or just want to chat, feel free to hit me up.

- Penguin.

Hello! Nice poem!

One thing I'd liked to mention is the rhyming-it seems slightly forced but that isn't a big problem.

The imagery is good; I can imagine an innocent baby bird trying to fly! Also, the innocence is kind of portrayed in the simplicity of your poem which makes it even more effective!

'Just flap your wings,
I know you can,
The wind beneath you sings,
It's only just began.' -I'm not too sure if this last line makes sense as I think you've just tried to make it rhyme. (began-I would say begun..but then you'd have to change the rhyming or get rid of it altogether)

Anyway, well done!

Thank you!

tiggpanda145

Great work! -Neon

Bonjour, Mindblown, June here,

I enjoyed this poem for the tiny ray of hope it lends to the baby bird at the end of the poem. It's very cute and uplifting, so two thumbs up for that.

I think that the rhyme scheme in this poem is good, but it held you back in your expression of your thoughts. For instance, in the closing stanza,

Just flap your wings,
I know you can,
The wind beneath you sings,
It's only just began.

Hey Mindblown!

This is a relatively simple poem - but I don't think that's a bad thing, I think to do a simple, clean poem well takes a great deal of skill. The fact that this is about a baby bird learning to fly, something so small and vulnerable, the simplicity really humbles the image I think, which is a nice touch.

One thing that I would suggest though is to try writing it without the rhymes. The rhymes seemed a bit forced to me. My rule of thumb is that if you're going to force a rhyme, might as well not try to rhyme. Rhymes should feel organic to the reader and we really shouldn't notice there was a rhyme in there unless we intentionally look for it. The ground/sound top/stop I felt was just too simple.

Also, check your third line in that first stanza: I'm not sure what hary is supposed to mean. I sort of read it as barely make a sound - but it seems an odd typo o.o I could just be missing something very obvious though.

All in all, a pretty great start! Some future suggestions for if you ever want to expand on this, or write another poem is to try to write some free verse without rhymes, and to use metaphors/figurative language to make the poem more compelling and engaging! Let me know if you ever want to chat/talk more about this poem/poetry in general. If you ever need help in metaphors/imagery, I'm your girl

I hope to read some more of your stuff.

~ as always, Audy

Nice job.