Young Writers Society

Absolutely relevant. We all have the moments where we don't really want to move on, where we're happy where we're are and afraid any forward movement will ruin and erase what we have. It's extremely selfish and yet universal. I think you covered a lot of the potential material and did it with relatively solid rhyme, as well, so nice job.

But something was missing for me. I really missed specifics and imagery. Specific images help to build a reality, and in order to care about the emotions of the speaker in this poem, I wanna know a little about their life. I don't need extensive backstory or inner dialogue, but just some glimpses of the world around them that also help to prop up the tone -- for example, a brook near their home where they walked across stones and stood in the center. That depicts the movement of time and the hope of pausing, but knowing she can't stand on a rock in the middle of a brook forever. It brings a specific image, and helps us have an anchor to hold on to while we wander in and out of YOUR thoughts and OUR thoughts about time and pausing it.

Can you do that all in rhyme? I will bow to you if you can, haha.
I hope this review will be helpful to you. I'd like to see future versions of the poem if you want to message me when they're up. Other than that, PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review. Good luck, and always keep writing!

Hi Unicorn!

I love poems about time, there's something about them which always appeals to me, maybe it's because I love to procrastinate? I think that when I look at this, I feel for the narrator, I have an excellent sense of how it connects to me and how I would feel at each point. That's not always an easy thing to do, so congratulations on making it work!

What I am going to say next might be hard, but it's an honest opinion. I think you need to lose the rhyme. Lots of people love rhyme and I am not one of them, I actually mostly dislike rhyme, but I can handle it in poetry when it works. Right now, your poetry rhyming is not working at all, the attempts are really obvious and are damaging the rhythm of your lines. The problem with it being really obvious is that the best rhyme is basically unnoticeable. You spend all of your time looking at the rhythm and the wonderful word usage that you don't notice that it all works because of the clever rhyming. Right now that isn't happening with your poetry, but I think it's definitely something to keep exploring. In this poem I think that if you stop trying to force your rhyme, you'll see an improvement in hat you're writing, and the meaning of your poem. Rhythm is super important to poetry readers, we thrive on the sense of oral and written song techniques. If you're going to rhyme you need to ensure that your rhythm stays in tact at all times.

I look forward to seeing more poetry from you, this one suggests that you have skill in the area! If you have any questions, queries or just want to chat, feel free to hit me up.

- Penguin.

Hi there! Great poem-the rhyming worked really well and didn't seem forced which is hard to execute and the idea was great too. The reader can relate to your poem as you've described time really well. Your poem flows well too in my opinion whereas many rhyming poems often don't flow and see forced so well done!

One suggestion I'm going to make is that maybe you could put in some more punctuation but otherwise a job well done!

Thank you!

tiggpanda145

Hey Unicornsmilz!

Interesting poem about time, I can definitely relate to the speaker here, if only time can stop and we can actually enjoy the moment, heh xD I immediately felt drawn into it with the again/snowmen rhyme, very nice.

There are some rhythm issues throughout this piece though, mostly it's the use of a preposition or two -- I call them clutter-words, that are really unneeded and can be taken out of the piece and have the poem read smoother. They're like little wrinkles you have to iron out, basically. Usually, they're quick and easy fixes. For example:

In your first stanza the last line you can completely omit "at" and just leave it as: approaches dawn.

The line in the second stanza: "But it hurries so it won't be late" sounds really forced in there with the rhyme. Maybe: "But it hurries as it cannot be late" might smooth it out a bit more, though to be honest with you, it's the kind of thing that you can omit the line completely, and you won't lose anything in the poem by doing it.

Also, you'll want to check your commas and punctuation throughout. I'm okay if you're not going to add end punctuation, but your commas are severely lacking, and you don't need a comma in the "Time continues on and on" line.

I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

Wow, I love your rhymes! The words flow like the roughest water. You know, I see no flaws here. I love it even more now! Thanks for writing such a beautiful poem! I urge you to keep up the good work! Again, thank you for writing such a wonderful poem!

~Saphire, filling in for Dark.