z

Young Writers Society



Wings of War Chapter 1

by cgirl1118


I stand at the edge of the cliff looking at the sky. "I'm ready" I think out loud. I jump and plummet down into the sea of rocks. Suddenly wings come out and I sore up into the sky. "Good job Cassandra!" says someone below. "Thank you General!" I say back. It's 2337, there has been war that's been going on for years. The Hybrids and the Robots. I am a hybrid of a bird and a human. My mom named me after the princess whose truths are thought to be lies. I never knew why my mom named me that, I couldn't ask. A robot took my mom and made my father watch them tear her apart. She was the General's wife and the General is my father. I only call him father when I'm not doing training and when it's rest time. My father used to tell me how beautiful my mother was, a hybrid of a bird and human like me. He said I took after her looks and personality. I sometimes wish I can meet her.

I meet my father inside The Zeppellin. Our biggest ship and our most useful. "You did good in your training today Cassie" my father says using my nickname Cassie. "Thank you father" I feel proud, I want to be as good as a fighter as my mom. The other soldiers greet me and go back to whatever they're doing. They do it because they don't want my father to be mad at them. Sometimes the soldiers say that it's not fair because I'm the general's daughter and of course I get complimented. However some of the soldiers are nice to me knowing about what happened to my mom.
My best friend Sarah, the only other girl soldier, is one of the nice ones. I find her among the men soldiers and say hi to her. "Cassie! How did the training go?" Sarah's a bit older than me so she had more training. "It was great! I felt so free when I flew" "Cool, when I used my Hybrid's power I was able to run super fast" Sarah is half human and half jaguar. She's the fastest soldier on the team. Suddenly there's a bang. "The Robots! They're launching an attack." I grab Sarah's hand and we try to get to the Safe Zone. I can't find my father, I'm scared.

"Cassie!" I hear someone call my name. "Cassie!" There it is again, it's Sarah. "Cassie please listen! We have to go! You'll have to fly and follow me" She yells. "Wait what about my dad?!" I yell to her above all the noise. She shakes her head like she doesn't know. Another attack from the Robots is launched and we hear a boom. We should stay and fight but we don't, we run away like cowards. Sarah starts running toward somewhere, I fly following her from above. At least we have each other, I think to myself. I start flying higher and see a figure shouting orders. It's my father! I sigh in relief. I try to make him notice me but he's too busy. Suddenly I can't find Sarah anymore. I'm lost and can't go back, it's too far.

"Sarah! Father!" I try to call for someone, anyone. I've never lived outside of The Zeppillin for too long, how will I survive? I descend to rest my wings. Maybe I can find a village somewhere. There are those who chose not to be in The War and live away from others. At morning I will set out and travel. My hand goes toward my necklace my mom gave me. Attached to it is a rare stone called Dragonia. It's my good luck charm. I hear a rustle in the trees of the forest. I look up to see only a bird. I sigh in relief. Since I'm half bird I can talk to them. "Are there any robots?" I try asking in chirps and whistles. The bird cocks its head. "Robots? What are robots?" I remember that birds have their own words for things. "Were there any bad people here?" "No, not that I know of." There shouldn't be any, anyway because the Robots don't like nature, they only like mechanical things and technology. Us Hybrids are usually half animal so we love animals and nature.
I walk until I find a nice place to make a hammock for rest. I find a big enough leaf for me to rest on and tie it to two trees. I get on the hammock and slowly fall asleep.

I'm in the forest. Mother and Father is here. Mother is here?!? I run to her and hug her. Slowly she dissapears as well as my father into tiny bits of dust. A huge robot is in font of me. I try to fly away, I'm scared. The robot squashes me and I'm suddenly somewhere else. Sarah, father, mother everyone I love are dying right in front of me

I wake up sweating. "It's just a dream" I try to tell myself.

I'm so hungry, it's been a day without food. I start walking around the forest looking for fruits that I can eat. I find a weird looking fruit, it was start shaped and looked good. I was so hungry I didn't even think that it could be poisonous. I popped it into my mouth and I immediately felt a calm feeling. The fruit made me want to lie down and just go to sleep....
My vision is blurry, I can't see anything except a figure hovering over me. I try to get up but I'm paralyzed. Someone is picking me up and taking me somewhere. I can't move, talk, or do anything. We're in a cabin, I can see more clearly now. An elderly woman is here and she's making something. "Here drink this it will help you" I drink it and I instantly can move again. I flex my fingers and get up. Is this woman someone who didn't want to be in the war? Or is she a human spy for the Robots?
"Who are you?" I say groggily. "Shh you should rest. I'm the Healer of this village. You ate a star fruit, it's poisonous." "Oh. Are you a Hybrid?" I ask her. "Yes, I'm a half bird and half human" Like me, I think. The Healer gives me some more to drink. I take it eagerly because I'm thirsty. Suddenly I start to feel sleepy again. Has she drugged me? I try to say something but I just fall asleep.

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Sun May 26, 2013 6:27 am
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there!
barefootrunner here to review!

I think Searria got most of the grammar nitpicks, so I'll focus more on storyline, characters and plot.

Plot:
Woah, there! You certainly waisted no time at all getting stuck in here! One of the main ways to develop your characters is to give us a day in their shoes first. You could say, Make chapter one a 'day in the life' except that there are some strange rumblings from the ship which sound ominous, or perhaps scouts come back with robot sightings at the end of the day. We first want to build up a rapport with the character and get more info on who she is and what is going on around her, so we know more about the space around her. I'll get to these later in more detail. So the main point is, wait before you start getting people beaten up. Then, as the plot is going at the moment, it looks after itself. Your character is lost, drugged and in the hands of some stranger who claims to be a healer. What more could you want?

Characters:
You have built up a nice framework of relationships, but not much in the line of personalities. You need to make it real by giving everyone some quirks, or at least showing us their faces. Does the General's eyes soften every time he sees his daughter? Are the soldiers clean-shaven or rough and tough jerks? Does the female soldier hate being called a girl soldier and have a tendency to use wrestling locks on the guys? What colour is our main character's wings? You really need to give everyone a personality. Without it, they are no more than skeletons.

Space:
I have utterly no idea what sort of world this is. If you have robots, would you still have village healers? Is it still green in places, is there a sea? What sort of ship is the Zeppelin? A hot air ship or something more sophisticated? How large is the army? When your main character is flying over the land, that would be a good time to describe some scenery. Green and living? Or blackened by the foul robots? Desert? Rocks? What is this place and what sort of magic can we find here?

So that would be my critique! Well written! I enjoyed reading this.




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Sat May 25, 2013 10:55 pm
Searria H. wrote a review...



Hi there, Cgirl!

I like what you've done with this piece since the last time I saw it. :) You've expanded it, and added a little more detail. :D I'm going to take the time to give you a few technical critiques, and then I'll finish up with some overall thoughts. I won't point out every error, because I want to give you a rule and let you apply it to your piece. I think you might learn more that way. :D Woot!

Nitpicks

"I'm ready" I think out loud.

If you put thoughts in quotations, you need to punctuate just like dialogue. There should be a comma after "ready" and inside the quotation marks. I usually prefer putting thoughts in italics, but you can do it either way.

Suddenly wings come out and I sore up into the sky. "Good job Cassandra!" says someone below. "Thank you General!" I say back.

You need to separate your dialogue from the narrative paragraphs unless the narration describes the dialogue. The format would look more like this:
....Suddenly wings come out,[b/] and I [b]soar up into the sky.
"Good job Cassandra!" says someone below.
"Thank you, General!" I say back.

Also, try to change up your dialogue tags. Not everything has to be "said." Try to use some more vivid words. Here's a pretty good list.

She was the General's wife and the General is my father.

Here's a great example of unnecessary repetition. If I were you, I'd use an appositive phrase:
"A robot took my mom and made my father, the General, watch them tear her apart." Then you don't even need the next sentence because the reader already knows the relationships between the characters.

I meet my father inside The Zeppellin. Our biggest ship and our most useful.

Again, I would use an appositive to help the flow. Just change the period to a comma and make "our" lower case.

You did good in your training today Cassie" my father says using my nickname Cassie.

First, you need a comma inside the closing quotation marks. The same is true for every dialogue unless the it should end in a question mark or exclamation point.
Second, the tag is completely unnecessary. "...using my nickname, Cassie." Well...yeah. The reader can see that. ;)

There it is again, it's Sarah.

This is a comma splice. There are complete sentences on either side of the comma, so change it to a period. :) There are some more hiding in there somewhere.

I find a big enough leaf for me to rest on and tie it to two trees.

That must be one ginormous leaf!

Mother and Father is are here.

This is a compound subject, so the verb must be plural.

I find a weird looking fruit, it was start shaped and looked good. I was so hungry I didn't even think that it could be poisonous. I popped it into my mouth and I immediately felt a calm feeling. The fruit made me want to lie down and just go to sleep....

Hello, random past tense. :) I think this was the only passage that wasn't in present tense.

General Comments
I know I sound like a broken record, but I could still use a little more "showing" and not "telling." Take this passage for example:
The other soldiers greet me and go back to whatever they're doing. They do it because they don't want my father to be mad at them. Sometimes the soldiers say that it's not fair because I'm the general's daughter and of course I get complimented.

Okay. You told us how the other soldiers act. Why not show us instead?
"The other soldiers greet me in passage, wary of the General's critical glare. They know better than to make him angry. I hear some of them muttering under their breath.
'Bet he wouldn't praise her so much if she was born to a different father.' The others snicker and walk away."
Now, it's not my work, so I don't know how the soldiers treat Cassie. But do you see what I mean? You have a fantastic skeleton right now of all the relationships, but I think you could fill it in some more. It'll be fun! :elephant:

Also, you dump all of the background information on us at once. Try to incorporate tidbits of information about the robots and such in the rest of the piece. Keep us guessing a little. :D

The only other critique I have is the slightly choppy style. You have mostly simple sentences and a few compound, which makes the piece as a whole seem sort of repetitive. It's almost like being on a boat and going over short waves. Try using some more complex sentences to add some flow. Just be careful that you don't accidentally put some run-ons or comma splices in there just to make a "long" sentence.


I can't wait to see where you're going with this piece. Let me know if you have any more you want me to review! I hope I've been helpful. If you have any questions or comments on this review, you know where to find me. :D Good luck, and happy writing!
-Sea-





To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
— Tony Dorsett