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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
I'm still trying to understand the deeper meaning of poetry. I have a friend who loves poetry but when she shows it to me I don't understand. Then she explains it to me and I see the deeper meaning and how beautiful it really is. Or sometimes how it shows deep personal encounters. Or you just express your feelings. Could you please leave a short description for me?
Hi there! First of all, welcome (back) to YWS!
I love your last two stanzas. The images are beautiful and I particularly appreciate the use of the word "plucked" in association with "heartstrings." I know you say "like leaves off trees," but it also puts me in mind of stringed instruments, like a harp or viola or something.
(You don't have to add that to the simile you've got; it's just a nice extra association some readers might pick up on.)
Now, this stanza I think could be a little more precise:
"I inhale, try to detect and relive them.
I exhale, frustrated at having failed."
I like someone's earlier suggestion of something along the lines of "I try to breathe them in/sighing as they blow away," although if you could work the exhalation (beyond just a sigh) into the second part, that would be awesome.
Same for the first stanza. Specifically, the second line, "Profound nostalgia burns in the bonfire," is kind of blah. I think it's the combination of an abstract adjective (profound) and an abstract noun (nostalgia). The reader can't see either of these, so the line as a whole is kind of boring, even though we have the image of a bonfire.
Overall, though, I think this is pretty good. You've got good imagery and a metaphor that runs throughout the whole thing. Let me know if you want another critique after revision!
~Blue
Thank you for you help! I'll definitely take it on board and, now that I think about it, you're right about the 'inhale, exhale' stanza.
Hi Kimberley and welcome to YWS! Overall, I think this is a good piece with some lovely imagery. Just some small comments on wording.
I think this would make more sense if the lines were flipped. Right now it's a bit confusing.
The first line is a bit clunky. I might make the breathing imagery more prominent, for example "I try to breathe them back in/sighing as they blow away."
Interesting comparison, but I would cut "permanent" to make it flow better.
No need for the comma, but otherwise, I love these lines.
Overall, beautiful poem, but there are some small things you could improve. Great job, welcome again, and keep writing!
Thanks so much, this is really helpful!
Well this is super good buddy.
Thank you!