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Smoke, Wind and Conifers

by KimberleyRG


Lying dormant with it's sleepy memories,
Profound nostalgia burns in the bonfire.

Memories rise and ride on autumn wind,
Their heavy, smokey smell is addictive.

I inhale, try to detect and relive them.
I exhale, frustrated at having failed.

The fog that has descended upon my mind
Is permanent, solid, like the shadow of a conifer.

Why are my heartstrings plucked
Like leaves off trees, when autumn creeps?

My own memories have fallen victim
To autumnal decay.


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16 Reviews


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Tue May 21, 2013 5:47 pm
saria wrote a review...



I'm still trying to understand the deeper meaning of poetry. I have a friend who loves poetry but when she shows it to me I don't understand. Then she explains it to me and I see the deeper meaning and how beautiful it really is. Or sometimes how it shows deep personal encounters. Or you just express your feelings. Could you please leave a short description for me?




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Tue May 21, 2013 3:24 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there! First of all, welcome (back) to YWS!

I love your last two stanzas. The images are beautiful and I particularly appreciate the use of the word "plucked" in association with "heartstrings." I know you say "like leaves off trees," but it also puts me in mind of stringed instruments, like a harp or viola or something.

(You don't have to add that to the simile you've got; it's just a nice extra association some readers might pick up on.)

Now, this stanza I think could be a little more precise:

"I inhale, try to detect and relive them.
I exhale, frustrated at having failed."

I like someone's earlier suggestion of something along the lines of "I try to breathe them in/sighing as they blow away," although if you could work the exhalation (beyond just a sigh) into the second part, that would be awesome.

Same for the first stanza. Specifically, the second line, "Profound nostalgia burns in the bonfire," is kind of blah. I think it's the combination of an abstract adjective (profound) and an abstract noun (nostalgia). The reader can't see either of these, so the line as a whole is kind of boring, even though we have the image of a bonfire.

Overall, though, I think this is pretty good. You've got good imagery and a metaphor that runs throughout the whole thing. Let me know if you want another critique after revision!

~Blue



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KimberleyRG says...


Thank you for you help! I'll definitely take it on board and, now that I think about it, you're right about the 'inhale, exhale' stanza.



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Tue May 21, 2013 1:33 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Kimberley and welcome to YWS! Overall, I think this is a good piece with some lovely imagery. Just some small comments on wording.

Lying dormant with it's sleepy memories,
Profound nostalgia burns in the bonfire.


I think this would make more sense if the lines were flipped. Right now it's a bit confusing.

I inhale, try to detect and relive them.
I exhale, frustrated at having failed.


The first line is a bit clunky. I might make the breathing imagery more prominent, for example "I try to breathe them back in/sighing as they blow away."

The fog that has descended upon my mind
Is permanent, solid, like the shadow of a conifer.


Interesting comparison, but I would cut "permanent" to make it flow better.

Why are my heartstrings plucked
Like leaves off trees, when autumn creeps?


No need for the comma, but otherwise, I love these lines.

Overall, beautiful poem, but there are some small things you could improve. Great job, welcome again, and keep writing! :)



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KimberleyRG says...


Thanks so much, this is really helpful!



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Mon May 20, 2013 8:32 pm
Jonathan says...



Well this is super good buddy.



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KimberleyRG says...


Thank you! :)




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