Published May 20, 2013
The next morning, when I walked into the school, Nate came up and tackled me to the grass.“Nice hair,” I squeaked out. His hair was black with a pink and blue fringe.
“You did this to me, didn’t you?” Some people walked past and laughed at him and his hair. He shoved me harder.
“You’re gonna’ die!” He yelled.
“Are you threatening my boyfriend, Nate?” It was Riona.What! Her boyfriend! She tapped her foot impatiently,
“Well? I’ll tell Daddy if you don’t.” she said dragging him off me.
“You wouldn’t tell Dad on me. I’ve got too much over you!” Nate screamed. A cough came from behind Nate. It was his dad.
“What is all this about?” his voice boomed into Nate’s ear making him scream like a little girl.
“Nothing!” he turned around, “Just chilling with my sister and her new boyfriend.” He hissed through gritted teeth.
“Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it. You were cursing her name all last night and this morning, about what they did to your ridiculous hair.” He said grabbing Nate’s shoulder and dragging him off to the office.
“I don’t think he’ll be annoying you anymore.” Riona said hugging me around my neck.
“Thank you so much.” I said hugging her back. “Your brother still probably hates me.” I laughed.
“Well he is gonna have to get used to you coming around.” she said getting on her tippy toes. I bent down to meet her lips. “I love you, I have for a while.” she said smiling.
“And I love you too.” I said wrapping my arms around her.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello There......
Finally, the last chapter......(not to sound like I didn't enjoy reading.....because I did!) but I am not going to make this a review because Aley and Ionut got this one! Plus I have said everything I could in the other three chapters. Just be more descriptive and press that space bar more often!!
I feel like this is a little rushed, like a few months too soon. Also, I still don't know the basic things with this story. What does she look like? What does her dad look like? How tall are they? For some people this isn't important, but I like to be able to visualize characters and in this story I can't do that. You refer to them by name too much. I do appreciate that you have the dad coming in and stepping up to bat though, that is nice. I still don't think pranks are the best way to get back at someone for bullying you, but hey you do what you can. I think the best way that I know of, is that sickeningly sweet stuff. "It's okay! I get it! I crush on your sister too!" that type of thing. "Man that was a hard kick! You must really want to bang her!" For me that seems more appropriate for male bullying and it gives your kid some more brass. Also he wouldn't have to worry about the sister getting hurt by the brother if he made the brother want to stay away from her.
For me that is the biggest flaw in this so far, the kid loves her, but he doesn't defend her. He obviously has little to no trust in authority considering he doesn't go to the principle about the situation, so why would he expect her to be fine if he left her there alone with 'that beast' it doesn't make sense.
I think this is a nice ending although again it could be developed a bit more. Nate's reaction is predictable and that is good because it adds to the realism.
“Well? I’ll tell Daddy if you don’t.” I think you wanted to say "if you do." here because why would she want Nate to beat her boyfriend.
I also like the way you make fun of Nate, humiliating him after everything he did, by making him scream like a little girl when his father arrives. However that makes me wonder one thing. Do his parents know of his behavior and allow it or they don't know about it. In the third part their parents talked to Riona about her prank and so I presumed that they know how he behaves. Otherwise, what parents would allow their daughter to play such a prank on her brother without knowing the reason. However now his father behaves like he never knew anything. It's a bit confusing.
The end is sweet, everybody gets what they deserve, but maybe a bit rushed up.
You wrote a beautiful piece of work, even if very violent in some parts. The fact that at the end everybody gets what they deserve gives a hope to many kids that are bullied and maybe even courage.
Keep up the good work.