z

Young Writers Society



Unbearable...

by winterbites


I sit here waiting for the day you'll stop
But
I don't think I'll ever see that day
I don't think I’ll last to the hour

I can't see you
Bring yourself to this
I don't see you
Anymore

But
You, you still
Haunt my dreams
With your words
That cut deep 
As knives

Where to now
Show me 
What, what
You need from me
Just show me

I can’t bare it anymore
I scream
But you’re not there
To hear my silence

You’re not there 
To see my scars     
You’re not
Even with me
Anymore

I can’t bare it
Anymore.


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16 Reviews


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Wed Jun 12, 2013 8:17 am
Idrinkink says...



I think the concept and the idea behind the poem is great. It would be better with some rhymes but its still great. Hope you post better work soon enough.:3




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Wed Jun 12, 2013 2:51 am
Chinkstuhhh says...



I like the concept of the idea here, but I would recommend changing the structure of the poem and make it less "awkward" in a way. Other than that, beautiful poem!




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Wed Jun 12, 2013 2:04 am
LacyRayne wrote a review...



Hello Darling,
Let me start with my criticism, shall we?
I believe that the poem could have done without most of the 'buts'.
Also, I think you should of changed:

"But
You, you still
Haunt my dreams
With your words
That cut deep
As knives."

You could of taken out the 'but' and the second 'you' and also maybe should of said "that cut as deep as knives."

Overall, this is very well written the emotion in it is just so BAM in your face! I love it, you made it heart breaking and lovely at the same time, its beautiful and haunting!

I look forward to seeing more of your pieces!




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Mon May 20, 2013 9:23 pm
lovelysayshi wrote a review...



lalallallaa...oh hi! What a lovely poem I see here, maybe I should read it. I shall!

Fun reviews are always the best, am I right. Of course I am. Just kidding, anyway, lets get down to business my dearest friend.

Okay, in the first stanza I think you should have left "But" out, or used another sentence instead. It doesn't flow right, flow is what MAKES a poem. It's almost a song-like rhythm that people (or reviewers) look for in a poem, you know, the flow. :)

hmmm...the second stanza is interesting, it obviously has meaning it is just hard to understand what it is. Overall the second stanza just takes away from the start of your lovely poem, maybe you could re-word that one.

Nice use of a simile in the third stanza, it would have been even more lovely if you had used it like this "With your words that cut as deep as knives" it sounds more clean, sharp, whatever you would like to call it.

"Where to now
Show me
What, what
You need from me
Just show me"
LOVE THIS STANZA!!

Woah. Emotions everywhere! Great job on your poem.
Toodles. :)




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Mon May 20, 2013 6:23 pm
spinelli wrote a review...



Contradicting what Kaylyn says, no, you do not need any periods and commas. It might frustrate some readers because they think that sort of thing applies to poetry but the truth is it's poetry and you can do whatever the heck you want. Even with fiction. With writing in general. Do whatever the heck you want.

Anyway, I have to agree with the other reviews in general, though I find I should probably go more into specifics. Ultimately, I have no idea what you're trying to say, or why you're saying it. I get the drama, I get that there's some relational turmoil, "haunt my dreams," "you're not there," "see my scars," it's so very dramatic, but what does it all mean? WHY are you telling me this? So the narrator is bummed out, sure, but there's plenty of bummed out narrators, especially concerning some type of dependence on a mysterious, nameless other. I've seen variations of this poem many, many times.

What I mean to say is that if this emotion was so important to you that you took the time to write a poem about it, if it was so important for you to convey in words, then I suggest you take the time to come up with something so extraordinarily distinct that it becomes something new. Something original. I believe you can do it if you do too. If the purpose behind this poem holds enough significance in you, it has all the potential to become something profound.




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Mon May 20, 2013 6:14 pm
deleted12 says...



Hey great poem! :) To me, it seems like it would be a very good song.....then I figured,''Well, except for the some dramatic parts..'' But, there are dramatic parts in songs! Right?:)

I thought this was a simple, but nicely written..

hope to see more of your work! ;) -Neonmask




winterbites says...


It is kind of a song. c:



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Mon May 20, 2013 5:58 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Okie dokie. Just a few things:

Grammar/Punctuation:
Make sure to add periods and commas where they are needed. When you end a thought, end it with a period. You did well with capitalization, something that can be found lacking in some poems. Just make sure to watch it with your periods and commas.

Content:
Alright, honestly, it's cliche. I've heard these phrasings over and over. An example of this is:
"But
You, you still
Haunt my dreams
With your words
That cut deep
As knives"
Actually the entire stanza just needs to be scrapped. Find a new way to say it that hasn't been repeated over and over. You want to bring something new to the table with poems. It's a common mistake when you first begin poetry, and trust me, there will be a lot of mistakes to learn from. I think if you also used more imagery and would "show" the reader instead of just "telling" what is going on. Hope that wasn't too confusing.

Structure:
Your first stanza seems a bit out of place when compared to the rest of the poem. It really breaks up the flow, and since it is the first stanza, you really want to make sure it fits and kicks off to a good start. After all, first impressions are important.

I don't mean to be harsh. It was through critiques like these that I learned the most. They also evolved my poetry writing skills immensely. I see you on the poetry forum alot, so I know your read a bunch of the poetry. After reading the poems, read others critiques of those as well, and you'll learn alot that way too. Good luck, keep writing!
~Kay




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Mon May 20, 2013 4:17 pm
Aley wrote a review...



This sounds like a dramatic poem, but I kind of think that it is lacking the real push it needs to drag the reader into the pain it experiences. The use of You makes it sound like we're listening to some secret letter and helps put it in that direction of pain and suggested torment, but there is something missing from the way that you are phrasing things. For instance, the speaker says they can't bare it anymore, but there's nothing about the anger, frustration, depression welling up inside of them, there's nothing about their ability finally giving over to the scream, they just scream. There are other cases in this poem like that too, but I don't want to bore you with details. You'll just have to find them yourself. ^.-

Overall, I think you could improve this poem by writing it completely internally, just write about the feelings that the speaker is experiencing, talk about what is going on with them, what they're feeling, how they're feeling it, and use creative/poetic language to create images, or touch other senses with that imagery. This should draw more emotion out of your reader. Also, I would suggest writing in sentences. It will help show the reader where to stop to breathe instead of trying to rush through the inter reading on one breath.




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Mon May 20, 2013 12:13 pm
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SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote a review...



Hello. :) Is this poem also sort of a song? It reads like lyrics. It's quite powerful. :) I do however have a few comments about the last couple of stanzas.

"I can’t bare it anymore
I scream
But you’re not there
To hear my silence

[Ok, so this stanza seemed a little contradictory to me; and not in the way that seems plausible to have been on purpose. I can tell what you are trying to say, but I think you need to re-write this stanza. Like, if you are saying that you 'scream' but you are also saying that it's 'silence' I'm guessing its like you are saying this person doesn't notice that you aren't talking to them and the silence should speak for itself? That's what I took from it anyway. But I do think it is a little confusing, and could be revised.]

You’re not there
To see my scars
You’re not
Even with me
Anymore"

[I felt like this was an effective build up to the ending of the poem. It seems like the speaker of the poem is really haunted by the person that is being spoken of. Like when you said 'you're not there to see my scars' its like the narrator (I don't know if it is you personally or if you are writing in the point of view of a character) is saying that the person does not notice how wounded she is, like they should but they don't see it.]

Anyways, these were my main comments. If there is anything you would like me to read over then don't hesitate to PM me, I'm happy to help where I can. If you would like me to read over the grammar and punctuation then as I said above, PM me anytime. :)




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121 Reviews


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Mon May 20, 2013 12:13 pm



Hello. :) Is this poem also sort of a song? It reads like lyrics. It's quite powerful. :) I do however have a few comments about the last couple of stanzas.

"I can’t bare it anymore
I scream
But you’re not there
To hear my silence

[Ok, so this stanza seemed a little contradictory to me; and not in the way that seems plausible to have been on purpose. I can tell what you are trying to say, but I think you need to re-write this stanza. Like, if you are saying that you 'scream' but you are also saying that it's 'silence' I'm guessing its like you are saying this person doesn't notice that you aren't talking to them and the silence should speak for itself? That's what I took from it anyway. But I do think it is a little confusing, and could be revised.]

You’re not there
To see my scars
You’re not
Even with me
Anymore"

[I felt like this was an effective build up to the ending of the poem. It seems like the speaker of the poem is really haunted by the person that is being spoken of. Like when you said 'you're not there to see my scars' its like the narrator (I don't know if it is you personally or if you are writing in the point of view of a character) is saying that the person does not notice how wounded she is, like they should but they don't see it.]

Anyways, these were my main comments. If there is anything you would like me to read over then don't hesitate to PM me, I'm happy to help where I can. If you would like me to read over the grammar and punctuation then as I said above, PM me anytime. :)





I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief