Young Writers Society

I love the message this poem sends and I totally agree with it. However, I did find two tiny little problems that you could fix to make the poem much better.

#1 If you take out the "too" in "there shall be darkness too." I think it would flow better when it is read. So it would be like this: "For long as there be light, there shall be darkness."

#2 Try changing the format of the poem from one long, big stanza to some smaller, shorter stanzas.

That's all that I noticed when I read it over. Also I really liked your poem. I hope to see more of your poems in the future

Its good .
The rhyming is good !
The message you are trying to convey is fantastic !
Keep on the good work .

Can u please comment on my work as well:

work.php?id=101303

Hello;

I just wanted to say welcome to YWS and complement you on your first poem! It's absolute gorgeous and I'm glad to see such skill. Other than that, I hope you have a wonderful time her and keep up this brilliant work!

This is beautiful. Your writing has a wonderful fluidity to it, something I think is vital for poetry. The lines flow together wonderfully, and the message is extremely meaningful. I can feel the passion you put into this piece. I agree with Aley about how the poem could be improved by adding more substance. These few lines convey that you feel deeply about the subject, so I think you could greatly improve this piece by adding more of your ideas and feelings. Wonderful job, though... you have a talent as a poet and writer. Hope I helped!
~Snow

This is a very pretty poem. It has a good flow and a nice way to use language that is familiar, but at the same time, poetic in it's middle English form. You have to be careful using middle English though, because it is not our vernacular, so sometimes we just think we know what a word means. I'm not sure if you meant often when you put oft in the sentence, but you have strange uses of words through the poem, such as "there be light" instead of there is light. I know you're doing this for poetic purposes, so I'm not too bothered by it, but "were often for me" sounds a bit off. For something to be often, I almost feel like it has to not be there at some point. Sure, we can observe the stars often, but that's because we're not always observing them. The placement of the adverb, often, is a bit confusing. Adverbs can go anywhere, but you're attaching that often to 'were for' instead of 'behold' which I think what makes me feel awkward about "were often for" because it is not a part of my vernacular.

That being said, lets get into the nitty gritty. >3

So this poem is almost like a request for permission to do something so universal that the timid nature of the poem is almost amusing. Your speaker is saying, basically, that they are afraid to upset the stars by looking at them. There are some inconsistencies with reality that your poem takes up, but it is perspective reality. First off, stars never sleep. They're always burning in the sky. If we're talking metaphorical stars, or stars that perform on TV, sure, they can sleep, but the actual, realistic, stars, are only hidden from us via the light. They are there during the day too. Next, I really love your line about light and darkness. In a way, it is true consistently. When there is light for us, there is still darkness, but there doesn't have to be light when there is darkness, so it doesn't work backwards. If all the stars burned out, there could be eternal darkness. Now, we would be dead if that happened, but it's something to think about.

Overall, I feel like the poem could use more substance. You repeat your idea a bit, and really focus on rhyming which is hidden well. I don't think you need to focus on it any longer. There are some odd rhymes, like rue, and too, and the extension of the rhyme to fall is a little too repetitive, but overall, the poem doesn't have naked rhymes that seem to just be put in there for the sake of rhyming, aside from rue.

Hello DevanshilKhetarpal. Nice to see you have written something very interesting. The poem was very interesting, it made me imagine and wonder what was happening. I would like to see more from you. Best of luck in your writing.