So this poem has a little bit of work that needs to happen for it to really shine. First off, I think putting me instead of what the wings are embroidered with is a cop out. I think you should pick something that will describe the speaker's personality and make that embroidered on these paper wings. Next, wings don't always mean feathers. For instance, bat wings and butterfly wings, dragon fly wings, etc, do not have feathers. They are also more delicate and look really pretty. I thought of these wings as butterfly wings instead of bird wings, so when you put the feathers at the bottom, it just confused me. Part of why I was thinking this is because you talk about them shredding and although birds do pluck their wings, they can't really shred feathers. They can look haggard, dirty, ripped, and that type of thing, but they cannot 'shred' them. So the feathers falling on your individual indicates that there are other wings? Why are we suddenly bringing in other people?
So aside form that, I would strongly suggest making the lines at the beginning of the poem more like the lines at the end. Someone once said that each line should have it's own meaning if you read it separate from the rest of the poem. This means lines like 'too late to', are really missing something. 'another one' really? So putting them together will create more meaning from the lines. Also, try to eliminate words you don't need, simplify the poem as much as you can so that you have to change words and use words that have more connotations with them.
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Points: 1883
Reviews: 806
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