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New Jersey Guy

by FransicoNicol


New Jersey Guy 

*This is my first ever poem by the way, so may be weak. Looking for advice*

Once a smile across the room
A stranger passing by
Once again, to many to soon
New Jersey Guy

Spinning around in circles 
Sturing as the days-a` passing by. O`a 
Single word would be a mirical.
Hello New Jersey Guy

Inivitng eyes from a distance 
You`ll be another stranger, passing by, 
Acknowlodging my existence, pair of us locking eyes
It`s at first sight, my new Jersey Guy

A taken chair next to me you sit, 
Following the world passing by 
Introduce yourself, do it
Smile back, New Jersey Guy

Half a smile wont give it away. 
No ones watching us, just passing by. 
How, who, what? you need to know the mystery!
Who am I? You`re my New Jersey Guy.

Look away, dont look back! 
Pretend im just a stranger passing by. 
Crack! 
A smile breaks the ice, New Jersey Guy.

As you talk away, i still await a turn. 
As i talk away, you still await your turn. 
Something about me, your thoughts passing by.
Something about me, New Jersey Guy

London? English? A beautiful Melody 
Listen to me all night you could, with the time just passing by
Half a smile widens- you would ;)
What are you waiting for, New Jersey Guy?

Playing a game of ping pong
Eyes back n` forth 
Playin a game of 'guess who', who will go first?
C`mon New Jersey Guy, dont let the time pass by

Twists and twirls i curl my hair
Amending your hair you stare 
Different world, different life, yet same desire
Hurry up New Jersey Guy, tensions getting higher!

Biting of the lip, swivil of the hip
All to much for New Jersey to resist 
Half a smile, A lost key worth while    (the key is reference to the eyes locking)
All to much for England to resist 

"Hel-", lets start, a conversation...
To late, times passing by
Time to go now
Goodbye New Jersey Guy

I walk away, you smile one last time
im now just a stranger sitting accross the room.
Annoymous we stand.
Im now just a stranger, passing by. 
An oppertunrity missed, my New Jersey Guy

Once again, to many to soon.


- Fransico Nicol 


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Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:38 am
ScandalousPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello! Scandalous Phoenix here to review for you!

Okay let's get cracking. All in all, this was a good poem. None of the sensory words repeated, which was good. Also, the fluency was good. I didn't feel any bumps until I hit here:

"Hurry up New Jersey Guy, tensions getting higher!"

This line broke the fluency for me. Maybe you wanted it like this, I don't know. It seemed a bit forced.

Another thing is grammar and punctuation. Gah, I sincerely dislike spelling errors D; There was quite a few errors in here so you might would like to reread it again and correct those. Small little nargles they are. Place a comma here and there, or maybe a period. Know which "to" to use. That kind of deal.

Good poem~ keep writing!

Peace!

Scandalous Phoenix




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Sat Apr 13, 2013 2:16 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Fransico and welcome to YWS! And congrats on posting your first poem.

Now, first thing I need to address: There are a lot of spelling/grammar errors, some of which could have been caught by spellcheck. I don't want to go through the whole piece, so I'll just pick on one stanza.

Spinning around in circles
Sturing as the days-a` passing by. O`a
Single word would be a mirical.
Hello New Jersey Guy


What did you mean by "sturing"? Staring? Stirring? Something else?
"mirical" should be "miracle".
It looks like you're hitting the key above the tab key, which isn't a normal apostrophe. You want to use the one between the "Enter" and the semi-colon keys.
I think a better way to reword the second line would be "Staring as the days pass by/A single word..."

Also, an error I saw a couple times, to vs. too. When you have an excess of something, you use "too" as in "too little too late". (I think that's the idiom you were alluding to in the beginning and end?)

Okay, now that's out of the way, the piece itself. It's about a somewhat overdone subject, but there's some interesting images and attempts at originality. I liked the eyes playing ping-pong. The whole thing makes me think of a Craigslist "missed connection" ad, which is interesting.

Now, one thing I think is not helping is the rhyming. It feels forced and seems to drag the piece into cliches, plus there's no real rhythm. I'd suggest writing in free verse to draw out stronger images.

I'd also suggest stronger images. How do you know this guy is from New Jersey? Where are they exactly? I'm guessing some sort of party, but what kind? You mention taking turns...are they playing poker? Dungeons and Dragons? Candy Land? Showing us the scene is more engaging to the reader and makes the story itself stand out.


Half a smile, A lost key worth while (the key is reference to the eyes locking)


I like the idea of playing with the "eyes locked" cliche, but you shouldn't have to explain yourself within a piece. I'd suggest making it stronger and perhaps weaving it into the whole piece. For example, maybe "your eyes unlock me/a half-smile turns the key/now open your mouth, New Jersey Guy."

Twists and twirls i curl my hair
Amending your hair you stare


I like the first line here, but the repeating of "hair" is a bit much. I'd steer clear of repeating the same word that close together. Repetition can be effective in poetry, but too much is boring. I'd use a synonym or rework the second line.

Overall, there's some good stuff here, and with some re-working it could be even better. Keep writing! :)




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Sat Apr 13, 2013 1:13 am
SoundsOfLife wrote a review...



I think this could be a good song. I'm trying to come up with a good beat to follow the words, I know it could be an awesome song!
This is something you don't read everyday, and there doesn't seam to be any grammar flaws that I can see. I like it a lot. Keep Up with the good writing, and I hope to read more of your work in the future.



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Wow, wasnt expecting a kind comment like that. Thank you very much :) Much appreciated :)




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